Dr. House: See that, they all assume I’m a patient because of the cane.
Dr. Wilson: Then why don’t you put on a white coat like the rest of us?
Dr. House: I don’t want them to think I’m a doctor.
Dr. House: Your wife is having an affair.
Orange-Colored Patient: What??
Dr. House: You’re ORANGE, you moron! It’s one thing for you not to notice, but if your wife hasn’t picked up on the fact that her husband has changed colors, she’s just not paying attention. Oh, by the way, do you consume just ridiculous amounts of carrots and mega-dose vitamins? The carrots turn you yellow, the niacin turns you red. Get a set of fingerpaints and do the math… and get a good lawyer.
Dr. Cuddy: You don’t prescribe medicine based on guesses. At least we don’t since Tuskeegee and Mengele.
Dr. House: You’re comparing me to a Nazi? [admiringly] Nice …
Dr. Foreman: Oh, Cameron, I need you for a couple of hours.
Dr. Cameron: What’s up?
Dr. Foreman: When you break into someone’s house, it’s always better to have a white chick with you.
Dr. House: Everybody lies.
Dr. Cameron: Dr. House doesn’t like dealing with patients.
Dr. Foreman: Isn’t treating patients why we became doctors?
Dr. House: No, treating illnesses is why we became doctors. Treating patients is what makes most doctors miserable.
Rebecca Adler: I just want to die with a little dignity.
Dr. House: There’s no such thing! Our bodies break down, sometimes when we’re 90, sometimes before we’re even born, but it always happens and there’s never any dignity in it. I don’t care if you can walk, see, wipe your own ass. It’s always ugly - always! We can live with dignity - we can’t die with it.
Dr. House: Patients always want proof. We’re not making cars here, we don’t give guarantees.
Dr. Cameron: Why did you hire me?
Dr. House: Does it matter?
Dr. Cameron: Kind of hard to work for a guy who doesn’t respect you.
Dr. House: Why?
Dr. Cameron: Is that rhetorical?
Dr. House: No, it just seems that way because you can’t think of an answer. Does it make a difference what I think? I’m a jerk. The only thing that matters is what you think. Can you do the job?
Dr. Cameron: You hired a black guy because he had a juvenile record.
Dr. House: No, it wasn’t a racial thing, I didn’t see a black guy. I just saw a doctor… with a juvenile record. I hired Chase ’cause his dad made a phone call. I hired you because you are extremely pretty.
Dr. Cameron: You hired me to get into my pants?!
Dr. House: I can’t believe that that would shock you. It’s also not what I said. No, I hired you because you look good; it’s like having a nice piece of art in the lobby.
Dr. Cameron: I was in the top of my class.
Dr. House: But not THE top.
Dr. Cameron: I did an internship at the Mayo Clinic.
Dr. House: Yes, you were a very good applicant.
Dr. Cameron: But not the best?
Dr. House: Would that upset you, really? To think that you were hired because of some genetic gift of beauty, not some genetic gift of intelligence?
Dr. Cameron: I worked very hard to get where I am.
Dr. House: But you didn’t have to. People choose the paths that grant them the greatest rewards for the least amount of effort. That’s the law of nature, and you defied it. That’s why I hired you. You could have married rich, could have been a model, you could have just shown up and people would have given you stuff. Lots of stuff, but you didn’t, you worked your stunning little ass off.
Dr. House: It’s five-o’clock. I’m going home.
Dr. Cuddy: To what?
Dr. House: [sarcastically] Nice.
Dr. Cuddy: Your reputation won’t last if you don’t do your job; the clinic is part of your job. I want you to do your job.
Dr. House: Ah, yes, but as the philosopher Jagger once said, ‘You can’t always get what you want.’
Dr Cuddy: Oh, and I looked up that philosopher, and it turns out that if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need.
Dr. House: When did my signature get so girly?
Dr. Cameron: I can explain.
Dr. House: See that “G,” see how it makes a big loop on top? It doesn’t even look like my handwriting. Think I have something? What’s the differential diagnosis for writing “G’s” like a junior high school girl?
Dr. House: [to Cameron] Perseverance does not equal worthiness. Next time you want to get my attention, wear something fun. Low-riding jeans are hot.
Dr. Chase: It doesn’t necessarily have to be that bad. If we exclude the night terrors it could be something systemic: his liver, kidneys, something outside the brain.
Dr. House: Yes, feel free to exclude any symptom if it makes your job easier.
Dr. Cameron: What about sex?
Dr. House: Well, it might get complicated. We work together. I am older, certainly, but maybe you like that.
Dr. Cameron: I meant maybe he has neurosyphilis.
Dr. House: Heh, nice cover. [winks]
Dr. House: Thirty percent of all dads out there don’t realize they’re raising someone else’s kid.
Dr. Foreman: From what I’ve read false paternity is more like ten percent.
Dr. House: That’s what our moms would like us to believe.
Dr. Cameron: Who cares? If he got it from his parents they’d both be dead by now, can we get on with the differential diagnosis?
Dr. House: Fifty bucks says I’m right.
Dr. Foreman: I’ll take your money.
Dr. House: Hit a nerve? Don’t worry Foreman, I’m sure the guy who tucked you in at night was your daddy.
Dr. Foreman: Make that a hundred dollars.
Dr. Cuddy(leaving the hospital wearing a tennis outfit with a very short skirt): What are you doing back here? A patient?
Dr. House: No, a hooker. Came to my office instead of my home.
Dr. House: [talking to Wilson about a patient and quickly changing the subject as he sees Dr. Cuddy coming] —the cutest little tennis outfit! My God, I thought I was going to have a heart attack! Oh my! I didn’t see you there - That is so embarrassing…
Dr. Cuddy: How’s your hooker doing?
Dr. House: Oh, sweet of you to ask, funny story, she was going to be a hospital administrator, but hated having to screw people like that.
Patient’s Mother: How can you just sit there?
Dr. House: If I eat standing up, I spill.
Dr. Foreman: No neurologist in his right mind would recommend that.
Dr. House: Show of hands: who thinks I’m not in my right mind? (nobody moves) And who thinks I forget this very basic neurological fact? (nobody moves again) Who thinks there’s a third option?
[Dr. Chase raises his hand]
Dr. House: Very good. What’s the third choice?
Dr. Chase: No idea. You just asked if I thought there was one.
Dr. House [approaching Drs. Cameron and Foreman, who are monitoring the patient’s brain]: General Hospital is on channel 6.
Dr. Foreman: Dan’s brain is not showing channel 6 right now, only mush.
Occam’s Razor [1.3]
Dr. House: [to the crowd in the walk-in clinic’s waiting area] Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chitchat later, I’m Doctor Gregory House; you can call me “Greg.” I’m one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning.
Dr. Cuddy: Short, sweet, grab a file.
Dr. House: This ray of sunshine is Doctor Lisa Cuddy. Doctor Cuddy runs this whole hospital, so unfortunately she’s much too busy to deal with you. I am a bored…certified diagnostician with a double specialty in infectious disease and nephrology. I am also the only doctor currently employed at this clinic who is forced to be here against his will.
[House turns to face Dr. Cuddy.]
Dr. House: That is true, isn’t it?
[He turns back to the crowd.]
Dr. House: But not to worry, because for most of you, this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you’re particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this: this is Vicodin. It’s mine. You can’t have any. And no, I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem. But who knows? Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m too stoned to tell. So, who wants me? [nobody moves] And who would rather wait for one of the other two guys?
[Everybody raises their hands.]
Dr. House: Okay. Well, I’ll be in Exam Room One if you change your mind.
Dr. Cameron: Men should grow up.
Dr. House: Yeah, and dogs should stop licking their workplace-acceptable euphemism for testicles. It’s not going to happen.
Dr. House:: What would you prefer - a doctor who holds your hand while you die or one who ignores you while you get better? I suppose it would particularly suck to have a doctor who ignores you while you die.
Dr. Cameron: I’m uncomfortable about sex.
Dr. Chase: Well, we don’t have to talk about this…
Dr. Cameron: Sex could kill you. Do you know what the human body goes through when you have sex? Pupils dilate, arteries constrict, core temperature rises, heart races, blood pressure skyrockets, respiration becomes rapid and shallow, the brain fires bursts of electrical impulses from nowhere to nowhere, and secretions spit out of every gland, and the muscles tense and spasm like you’re lifting three times your body weight. It’s violent, it’s ugly and it’s messy, and if God hadn’t made it unbelievably fun, the human race would have died out eons ago. [pause to breathe deep and stare at each other] Men are lucky they can only have one orgasm. Do you know that women can have an hour long orgasm?
Dr. Foreman: Occam’s razor. The simplest explanation is always the best.
Dr. House: And you think one is simpler than two?
Dr. Cameron: I’m pretty sure it is, yeah.
Dr. House: Baby shows up. Chase tells you that two people exchange fluids to create this being. I tell you that one stork dropped the little tyke off in a diaper. Are you going to go with the two or the one?
Dr. Foreman: I think your argument is specious.
Dr. House: I think your tie is ugly.
Dr. House: No, there is not a thin line between love and hate. There is, in fact, a Great Wall of China with armed sentries posted every twenty feet between love and hate.
Dr. Wilson: Beauty often seduces us on the road to truth.
Dr. House: And triteness kicks us in the nads.
Dr. Wilson: So true…
Tattooed Walk-in Patient: [turning to leave] I should go.
Dr. House: You think it’s going to come out on its own? [the patient stops] Are we talking bigger than a bread basket? Because, actually, it will come out on its own, which for small stuff is no problem - it’s wrapped up in a nice soft package and plop. Big stuff - you’re going to rip something, which, speaking medically, is when the fun stops.
Tattooed Walk-in Patient: How did you–
Dr. House: You’ve been here half an hour and you haven’t sat down, that tells me its location. You haven’t told me what it is, that tells me it’s humiliating. You have a little birdy carved under your arm, and that tells me you have a high tolerance for humiliation, so I’m figuring it’s not hemorrhoids. [pause for awkward silence] I’ve been a doctor twenty years. You’re not going to surprise me.
Tattooed Walk-in Patient: It’s an MP3 player.
Dr. House: [trying to keep himself from laughing] Hmm. Is it… is it because of the size, or the shape… or is it the pounding bass line?
Tattooed Walk-in Patient: What are we going to do?
Dr. House: I’m going to wait.
Tattooed Walk-in Patient: For what?!
[Scene change: House leaving the walk-in clinic]
Dr. House: [to the reception nurses] Okay. It’s 3 o’clock, I’m off. Could you tell Dr. Cuddy there’s a patient in exam room 2 that needs her attention? And the RIAA wants her to check for illegal downloads.
Dr. Cameron: Brandon’s not ready for surgery.
Dr. House: OK, let’s leave it a couple of weeks. He should be feeling better by then. Oh wait, which way does time go?
Dr. House: This is our fault. Doctors over-prescribing antibiotics. Got a cold? Take some penicillin. Sniffles? No problem. Have some azithromycin. Is that not working anymore? Oh, got your Levaquin. Antibacterial soaps in every bathroom. We’ll be adding vancomycin to the water supply soon. We bred these superbugs. They’re our babies. And they’re all grown up and they’ve got body piercings and a lot of anger.
Jill: My joints have been feeling all loose, and lately I’ve been feeling sick a lot. Maybe I’m over training; I’m doin’ the marathon, like, ten miles a day, [House looks tired] but I can’t seem to lose any weight.
Dr. House: Lift up your arms.
[she does so]
Dr. House: You have a parasite.
Jill: Like a tapeworm or something?
Dr. House: Lie back and lift up your sweater.
[she lies back, and still has her hands up]
Dr. House: You can put your arms down.
Jill: Can you do anything about it?
Dr. House: Only for about a month or so. After that it becomes illegal to remove, except in a couple of states.
[he starts to ultrasound her abdomen]
Dr. House: Don’t worry. Many women learn to embrace this parasite. They name it, dress it up in tiny clothes, arrange playdates with other parasites…
Dr. House: [shows her the ultrasound] It has your eyes.
Dr. House: Get up. We’re going hunting.
Dr. Foreman: For what?
Dr. House: Wabbits.
Dr. Cameron: A needle in the haystack.
Dr. House: It’s worse than that. We don’t even know what’s the needle we’re looking for.
Dr. House: See, this is why I don’t waste money on shrinks, cause you give me all these really great insights for free.
Dr. Cuddy: [smiling] Shrink. If you would consider going to a shrink, I would pay for it myself. The hospital would hold a bake sale, for God’s sake.
Dr. House: Your husband is definitely the source of your ‘mono’.
Jill: Oh, wow. Oh, thank God. Wow, I’m going to be a mom. Whoa, heh heh. Thank you so much; I gotta get you a gift or something.
Dr. House: Sometimes the best gift is the gift of never seeing you again.
Jill: Okay, all right! But, Dr. House, you’ve been so awesome. I mean, I really, totally trust you. Do you think you —
Dr. House: No.
Jill: — could you do the prenatal?
Dr. House: No.
Jill: Or deliver the baby?
Dr. House: That would be no.
Damned If You Do [1.5]
Dr. House: I’ve been a doctor for years. Why do I have to keep assuring people I know what I’m doing?
Dr. House: In ten seconds, I’m going to announce that I gave her [the patient] the wrong dosage.
Dr. Cuddy: [Taken aback] You’re going to admit negligence?
House: Unless you leave the room, you’ll have to testify as a witness. [Cuddy crosses her arms] Five, four, three, two… So there I was in the clinic, drunk, I opened the drawer, closed my eyes, grabbed the first syringe I could find and…. [Cuddy leaves quickly]
Dr. House: You know how it is with nuns: you take out their IUDs and they bounce right back.
Dr. House: When she went into cardiac arrest in the clinic, I had to open her blouse to do CPR, and I learned two things. Nuns can have nice breasts, and she has a tattoo on her shoulder. Of a skunk. Now maybe it’s the sacred skunk of St. Joseph, but as far as I know, Catholic foster houses and monestaries do not keep tattoo parlours in their refactories.
Dr. House: What I have difficulty with is the whole concept of belief. Faith isn’t based on logic and experience.
Dr. House: You can have all the faith you want in spirits, and the afterlife, and heaven and hell, but when it comes to this world, don’t be an idiot. Cause you can tell me you put your faith in God to get you through the day, but when it comes time to cross the street, I know you look both ways.
The Socratic Method [1.6]
Lucas Palmero: This is a good hospital?
Dr. House: Depends what you mean by ‘good’. [looks around] I like these chairs.
Dr. Foreman: [Referring to Dr. House] He’s really talking to a patient.
Dr. Chase: I don’t know who I am any more.
Dr. Chase: [Referring to Dr. House] He likes crazy people. He likes the way they think.
Dr. Foreman: They think…badly. That’s the definition of…crazy.
Dr. Chase: They’re not boring. He likes that.
Dr. House: [In exam room with mother and daughter] This is why you’re here?
Mother: Sugar is the leading cause of obesity in America.
Dr. House: You want a doctor to scare her about the dangers of sugar.
Mother: She needs to get her weight under control.
Dr. House: Well, you know, I feel sorry for those other kids, Wendy, who don’t have a mom like yours- a mom who knows that sugar causes heart disease, appendicitis, and athlete’s foot.
Mother: That’s not fair!
Dr. House: Oh, yes it is! No, I get it. You want her to slim down so she can wear pretty clothes like yours. Love the bracelets! Hey, what about matching outfits? You could be twins! [Gasps] She can’t be your daughter! It’s impossible, you look way too young! [To daughter] Happy Birthday. [To mother] Get the kid a damned ice cream cake.
Dr. House: So, when I said “no psych meds”, I’m just curious, which word didn’t you understand?
Dr. Foreman: The Haldol had nothing to do with the bleed. You know that. I used it purely as a chemical restraint.
Dr. House: Oh, great, well, that’s good to hear. So she won’t experience any of those pesky little side effects you get when your motives aren’t pure.
[a patient needs a liver transplant]
Dr. Foreman: Mickey Mantle had a whole bar named after him - he got a transplant.
Dr. House: Yeah. Well, Lucy can’t switch hit.
Dr. Cuddy: Good morning, Dr. House.
Dr. House: Good morning, Dr. Cuddy! Love that outfit. Says, I’m professional, but I’m still a woman. Actually, it sorta yells the second part.
Dr. Cuddy: Yeah, and your big cane is real subtle too.
Dr. House: Ah, my birthday. Normally I’d put on a festive hat and celebrate the fact that the Earth has circled the Sun one more time; I really didn’t think it was going to make it this year, but darn it if it wasn’t the little planet that could all over again.
Dr. House: I don’t ask why patients lie. I just assume they all do.
Dr. House: Ah! The husband described her as being unusually irritating recently.
Dr. Cameron: And?
Dr. House: I didn’t know it was possible for a woman to be unusually irritable.
Dr. Cameron: Nice try, but you’re a misanthrope, not a misogynist.
Dr. House: Fever. Clinical depression does not cause fever.
Dr. Foreman: She could be sick and depressed?
Dr. House: She’s sick! Dammit, why didn’t I think of that?
Dr. Cuddy: [about House and Wilson examining a busty patient] It takes two department heads to treat shortness of breath? What, do the complications increase exponentially with cup size?
Dr. Foreman: Why are you riding me?
Dr. House: It’s what I do…has it gotten worse lately?
Dr. Foreman: Yeah. Seems to me.
Dr. House: Really. Well, that rules out the race thing. ‘Cause you were just as black last week.
Dr. Foreman: Sleeping sickness from sex?
Dr. House: It’s not without precedent.
Dr. Foreman: I’m pretty sure it is, unless you’re talking about going to Africa and having sex with the tsetse fly.
Dr. House: A Portuguese man was diagnosed three years ago with CNS-affected sleeping sickness. His only connection with Africa was through a girlfriend who’d served under the military in Angola.
Dr. Chase: Oi, where’d you find that?
Dr. House: The journal of the Instituto de Higiene e Medicina Tropical. You don’t read Portuguese?
Dr. Cameron: You do?
Dr. House: I’m pretty sure that’s what it said. Either that or it was an ad for sunglasses.
Dr. Foreman: Are you saying there is a brain tumor that three ER doctors, two neurologists and a radiologist missed?
Dr House: Partridge in a pear tree missed it as well.
Dr. House: As long as you’re trying to be good, you can do whatever you want.
Dr. Wilson: And as long as you’re not trying, you can say whatever you want.
Dr. House: So between us, we can do anything. We can rule the world!
[Cameron is in the lab working on some equipment]
Dr. House: Mixing up some margaritas? Mine’s a double, Senorita. That’s Portuguese you know.
Dr. Cameron: [too quietly] Spanish.
Dr. House: Uh-oh. What’s going on?
Dr. Cameron: I’m re-calibrating the centrifuge.
Dr. House: Turn around.
[She does, and she’s obviously been crying.]
Dr. House: It’s a very sad thing, an un-calibrated centrifuge. It makes me cry too.
Dr. Cameron: I’m not crying.
Dr. House: Ok.
Dr. Cameron: When I was in college, I… I fell in love, and I got married. And…
Dr. House: At that age the chances of a marriage lasting…
Dr. Cameron: It lasted six months. Thyroid cancer metastasized to his brain. There was nothing they could do. I was 21, and I watched my husband die.
Dr. House: I’m sorry. But that’s not the whole story. It’s a symptom, not your illness. Thyroid cancer would have been diagnosed at least a year before his death, you knew he was dying when you married him. Must have been when you first met him. And you married him anyway. You can’t be that good a person and well adjusted.
Dr. Cameron: Why?
Dr. House: Because you wind up crying over centrifuges.
Dr. Cameron: Or hating people?
Dr. Foreman: The kid was just taking his AP calculus exam when all of a sudden he got nauseous and disoriented.
Dr. House: That’s the way calculus presents.
Georgia: I notice colors more. And music. I- I’m really hearing music. I’m eighty-two, and I’m supposed to be playing canasta with the other old ladies, but… now when I see a guy with a cute butt…I just can’t stop looking at him. [looks at House] Or a sexy beard.
Dr. House: And you figure that enjoying cute butts is a sign of disease?
Georgia: So I watched it. And it had this actor in it. This kid called Ashton Kutcher. Now, I think about Ashton all the time. All the time.
Dr. House: Aha.
Georgia: You remind me of him. Same bedroom eyes.
Dr. House: People are always mixing us up.
Dr. House: I assume ‘minimal at best’ is your stiff upper lip British way of saying “no chance in hell.”
Dr. Chase: I’m Australian.
Dr. House: You put the Queen on your money; you’re British.
Dr. House: I, Margo Davis, have been informed of the risks which may arise from my refusal of advised medical care. I hereby release—
Margo: Who are you?
Dr. House: I work for the hospital. —the Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital, its employees agents, and otherwise from any adverse medical conditions resulting from my refusal. It is not the hospital’s fault if my son kicks off.
Margo: Kicks off?
Dr. House: I punched up the language, mostly for clarification. I understand my doctors consider my decision to be completely idiotic—
Margo: Why are you doing this?
Dr. House: —but I am convinced that I know more than they do, I took a biology course in high school. I assume that’s… yeah. Besides, I enjoy controlling every single aspect of my son’s life, even if it means his death. Sign here, please. I brought a pen.
Margo: Who are you?
Dr. House: I’m the doctor who’s trying to save your son. You’re the mom who’s letting him die. Clarification: it’s a beautiful thing.
Dr. Wilson: [Reading a poem Georgia left for Dr. House] “The healer with his magic powers/I could rub his gentle brow for hours/His manly chest, his stubbled jaw/Everything about him leaves me raw—”
Dr. House: Psych ward’s upstairs.
Dr. Wilson: “—with joy. Oh, House your very name / Will never leave this girl the same.” It’s not bad for an 82-year-old. She asked me to give that to her true love.
Dr. House: What can I say? Chicks with no teeth turn me on.
Dr. Wilson: That’s fairly disgusting.
Dr. House: That’s ageism.
Dr. Wilson: You better watch yourself around this babe.
Dr. House: [to Georgia] I’m sorry, but the fact that the sexual pleasure center of your cerebral cortex has been over-stimulated by spirochetes is a poor basis for a relationship. Learned that one the hard way.
Mark: But Mom; you said Dad was your first love.
Georgia: He was. We’re talking about sex.
Dr. Wilson: Hey, I’m a man. I don’t have time for laundry. I’m saving lives here.
Dr. House: DNR means Do Not Resuscitate. It does not mean Do Not Treat!
Dr. House: Like I always say, there’s no “I” in “team.” There is a “me,” though, if you jumble it up.
Dr. Foreman: You assaulted that man.
Dr. House: Fine. I’ll never do it again.
Dr. Foreman: Yes, you will.
Dr. House: All the more reason this debate is pointless.
Dr. Wilson: You know how some doctors have the Messiah complex - they need to save the world? You’ve got the “Rubik’s” complex; you need to solve the puzzle.
Dr. Foreman: He doesn’t want you treating him!
Dr. House: They dropped the court order.
Dr. Wilson: Yeah, and that girl dropped the charges against Kobe. Doesn’t mean that he should call her and see if she’s free to get a sundae.
Willie: My nature isn’t what it used to be. The little man has lost some bounce in his step. He needs to crank it up, have himself some fun this weekend. He wants the blue pills.
Dr. House: You’re talking about your penis in the third person.
Willie: Me and him, two people.
Dr. House: Separate vacations? That’d be a drag for one of you. I don’t think you need the pills. I think you have a conflict of medications. You need to up your insulin to “chocolate chip ice cream” levels.
Dr. House: Yeah, you remember. That’s the stuff you take for the diabetes that you forgot to tell the nurse about. Your hands. No hair, which means nerve damage. And your shoes look about two sizes too small, which means you’ve lost sensation in your feet. And then there’s your pants.
Willie: My pants tell you I have diabetes?
Dr. House: No, they tell me you’re an idiot. Powdered sugar on the right pant leg. Based on the two napkins in your right pocket, I’m willing to bet it’s not your first donut of the day.
[House’s beeper beeps, then he gives him a prescription]
Willie: You’re giving me the pills?
Dr. House: Sure, why not? If you’ve got heart disease from ignoring the diabetes, they’ll kill you. Otherwise, you two have a fun weekend.
John: You don’t risk jail and your career just to save somebody who doesn’t want to be saved unless you got something, anything, one thing. The reason normal people got wives and kids and hobbies, whatever, that’s because they don’t got that one thing that hits them that hard and that true. I got music; you got this. The thing you think about all the time, the thing that keeps you south of normal. Yeah, makes us great, makes us the best. All we miss out on is everything else. No woman waiting at home after work with the drink and the kiss. That ain’t gonna happen for us.
Dr. House: That’s why God made microwaves.
John: Yeah. But when it’s over… It’s over.
Dr. Wilson: So your philosophy is, ‘If they don’t want treatment, they get it shoved down their throat, but if it might cure their paralysis, whoa, better slow down.’
Dr. House: Yeah. My old philosophy used to be ‘Live and let live,’ but I’m taking this needlepoint class and they gave us these really big pillows.
[House is walking out of the hospital after curing John Henry, he pops a pair of Vicodin as he walks up behind him]
John: Dr. House.
Dr. House: You’re being released?
John: I have a limo waiting outside.
Dr. House: I bet I can beat you to the car.
Dr. House: You seem much more easily amused when you can walk.
John: What a surprise. [pause] I want you to have this. [hands him his trumpet]
Dr. House: Wow….
John: You can sell it if you’d like, probably fetch a good price on eBay. Just promise me you won’t play.
Dr. House: Thank you.
John: [pointing at House’s Vicodin bottle] So how many of those pills are you taking?
Dr. House: I’m in pain.
John: [chuckles] Yeah… aren’t we all?
[they walk towards the door]
John: So where do you get these things? Do they have cane stores?
Dr. House: Don’t worry, you’ll be walking before you need another one.
Dr. House: [breaking up an argument between Dr. Wilson and Dr. Foreman] Okay, you two! Grab some scalpels and settle this like doctors.
Student: You’re reading a comic book.
Dr. House: And you’re calling attention to your bosom by wearing a low-cut top.
[the student covers her chest with her clipboard]
Dr. House: Oh, I’m sorry, I thought we were having a state-the-obvious contest. I’m competitive by nature.
Dr. Wilson: You really don’t need to know everything about everybody.
Dr. House: I don’t need to watch The O.C., but it makes me happy.
[House is snooping through Wilson’s file to try finding out why Wilson is insisting on a homeless woman being treated]
Dr. Wilson: You know, in some cultures, it’s considered almost rude for one friend to spy on another. Of course, in Swedish, the word “friend” can also be translated as “limping twerp.”
[House’s pager starts beeping]
Dr. Wilson: Did your pager really just go off, or are you ditching the conversation?
Dr. House: Why can’t both be true?
Dr. Chase: You’re joking.
Dr. House: Well, hard not to - nothing funnier than cancer.
Dr. House: Hey! He knows more homeless people than any of us! [to Foreman] Go check out the hood, dawg.
[House is looking at a comic drawn by a patient, using clues to figure out her identity]
Dr. House: Philadelphia. Look at that skyline. It’s very evocative. The Chrysler Building.
Dr. Foreman: That’s a cloud.
Dr. Cameron: And the Chrysler Building’s in New York.
Dr. House: Eh, I’m getting Philly. And that cactus, well, that’s a smashed car? Car accident!
Dr. Cameron: A cactus in Philly?
Dr. House: Water? [to Wilson] Well, water’s October, right?
Dr. Wilson: Obviously.
Dr. House: The page number’s 22, so that’s October 2nd, 2002. Ergo, the patient was in a car accident two years ago last October.
Dr. Wilson: My goodness! Was she okay?
Dr. House: Broke her arm, I think. And they fixed it, with this.
[holds up surgical pin from the patient’s arm]
Dr. House: Surgical pin. Better than a wallet. Serial number, in case you recall, are tied to a patient’s name.
Dr. House: Tell me what happened.
Police Officer: Read the report! I found her laying on the grass.
Dr. House: No, tell me what really happened.
Police Officer: Well since it’s you- I found her laying on the grass.
Dr. House: Thats a cool gun you’ve got.
Police Officer: It’s not a gun, it’s a taser.
Dr. House: Ooh, it’s so cool. What does it do? Fire 60000 volts.. mm, thats what it would take to jack someone’s heart up to 150.
Police Officer: Okay.. okay, lets just say I tell you what happened, but let’s make this between you and me, right?
Dr. House: Mmm.
Police Officer: I found her laying. On. The. Grass.
Dr. House: Okay, fine, you don’t tell me. How about you tell my friend Ben Franklin. [waves $100 bill]
[The officer stares at him]
Dr. House: I watch a lot of cop shows.
Dr. Cuddy: You know, there are other ways to manage pain.
Dr. House: Like what, laughter? Meditation? Got a guy who can fix my third chakra?
[House barges into the operating theater without scrubbing down.]
Dr. House: Stop the gasses.
Dr. Hourani: What the hell are you doing, House?!
Dr. House: Saving a sixteen year old kid from a lifetime of immunosuppressant drugs and a very nasty scar. This kid does not have lupoid hepatitis. He has acute naphthalene toxicity.
Dr. Hourani: Naphthalene? You’re talking about mothballs?
Dr. House: Nope. Termites, which produce naphthalene to protect their nest, which I’m assuming is fairly large and in all four walls of his bedroom at home.
Dr. Hourani: And your assumption is based on…what?
Dr. House: The autopsy I just conducted on his pet cat.
Dr. Hourani: Call Cuddy. And security.
Dr. House: You’re not removing that kid’s liver.
Dr. Hourani: Now!
[House retches and spits on Hourani.]
Dr. Hourani: GAH! Have you COMPLETELY lost your mind?!
Dr. House: No, but I’ve been feeling sick lately.
[House sneezes onto some tissue and drops it next to the surgery tools, then leaves without waiting for a response.]
Anesthesiologist: There’s no way we can do this surgery now.
Dr. Hourani: You think?!
[House has just admitted he is addicted to Vicodin.]
Dr. House: I said I was an addict, I didn’t say I had a problem. I pay my bills, I make my meals. I function.
Dr. Wilson: That all you want? You have no relationships.
Dr. House: I don’t want any relationships.
Dr. Wilson: You alienate people.
Dr. House: I’ve been alienating people since I was three.
Dr. Wilson: Oh, come on! Drop it! You don’t think you’ve changed over the last few years?
Dr. House: Well, of course I have. I’ve gotten older. Sometimes I’m bored. Sometimes I’m lonely. Sometimes I wonder what it all means.
Dr. Wilson: No. I was there. You are not just some regular guy who’s getting older. You’ve changed! You’re miserable! And you’re scared to face yourself-
Dr. House: [slams his cane on the shelf] OF COURSE I’VE CHANGED!
Dr. Wilson: [pause] And everything’s the leg? Nothing’s the pills?
Dr. House: They let me do my job. And they take away my pain.
Dr. House: His liver is shutting down.
Father: What? What does that mean?
Dr. House: Means he’s all better, he can go home.
Dr. House: What do you think it means? He can’t live without a liver, he’s dying.
Father: What is your problem?
Dr. House: Bum leg, what’s yours?
Pharmacist: Okay, pharmaceuticals were delivered this morning, but shipping accidentally sent the box with Vicodin to research.
Dr. House: Hmmm. That’s a tough one. If only we had some way to communicate with another part of the building.
[He picks up the phone.]
Dr. Cuddy: You’re addicted.
Dr. House: If the pills ran my life, I’d agree with you, but it’s my leg busy calendaring what I can’t do.
Dr. Wilson: She’s hot, so she’s a hooker? What kind of pathetic logic is that?
Dr. House: The envious, jealous, I-never-got-any-in-high-school kind of logic, hello!
Dr. House: I take risks; sometimes patients die. But not taking risks causes more patients to die, so I guess my biggest problem is I’ve been cursed with the ability to do the math.
Sports Medicine [1.12]
Dr. House: Now why would a guy in his twenties have a poor kidney?
Dr. Cameron: Cancer. It first attacks the bones, and then the kidneys.
Dr. House: Come on, people!
[Pulls out Hank’s baseball card]
Dr. House: He was 17 and 7! His ERA was 2.10!
Dr. Cameron: You want it to be his kidneys, because if it’s his kidneys, then maybe we can treat it, maybe we can fix it. And if it’s cancer, then he’ll never pitch again. If this were a regular guy who came in and broke his arm lifting a box, you would’ve packed him up and sent him home!
Dr. House: My God, you’re right, I lost my head. All life is equally sacred. And I promise you, the next knitting injury that comes in here, we’re on it like stink on cheese.
Patient #3: I can’t get my contact lenses out-
Dr. House: Out of what? They’re not in your eyes.
Patient #3: But they’re red.
Dr. House: That’s because you’re trying to remove your corneas.[moves to next patient] What’s wrong with you?
Patient #4: Uh, lately, my wife has noticed that…
Dr. House: Yeah, yeah. Symptoms, [gestures at Cuddy] we’re working on a personal best here.
Patient #4: Numbness in my feet and hands, constipation…
Dr. House: And?
Dr. Cuddy: Maybe he doesn’t feel comfortable talking about his private matters…
Dr. House: Well, neither would I, if I was having trouble controlling my pee pee!
Dr. House: You’re a dentist. Nitrous oxide poisoning, which means you’re either dipping into your own supply, or you’ve got a bad valve in the office. Laughing gas rehab’s probably more expensive than the plumber. Meanwhile, get yourself some B12.
[moves to college student]
Dr. House: Who’s left?
College Student: I can’t see. [House and Cuddy look appalled] Nah, I’m just screwing with you. [House looks at Cuddy, who smiles] It’s a hangover, my English Lit professor told me he’d fail me next time if I didn’t show up with a doctor’s note.
Dr. House: Well, make friends with the dentist. He can give you a note, and maybe a little nitrous to take the edge off.
[he looks at the clock and walks out]
Hank: I am clean, man, no steroids, no nothing.
Dr. House: Your lips say no, your prunes say yes.
Lola: You got a big “Keep Out” sign stapled on your forehead.
Dr. House: That explains it, I told them to put it on my door.
Lola: Even if real human contact is something you don’t have or even want or need, you should at least be able to see it in other people.
Dr. House: Yeah. Right. True love. That’s just how we match organs these days. There’s a couple in France, high school sweethearts - they’re trading brains.
Dr. House: What, you’re saying I’ve only got one friend?
Dr. Wilson: Uh, and who…?
Dr. House: Kevin, in Bookkeeping.
Dr. Wilson: Okay, well first of all, his name’s Carl.
Dr. House: I call him Kevin. It’s his secret “friendship club” name.
Dr. Cameron: Would you give up a baby for someone you love?
Dr. House: Please tell me I don’t have to decide. Depends, how long would they live?
Dr. Cameron: Is this a pragmatic question for you?
Dr. House: Fifty years, no problem. Six months, I say let ‘em die. Well, I’ve actually given this a lot of thought, and my personal tipping point is seven years, eight months, and 14 days.
Dr. House: You see, kidneys don’t wear watches. Sure, gallbladders do, but it doesn’t matter, ’cause kidneys can’t tell time.
Dr. House: Less money is made by biochemists working on a cure for cancer than by their colleagues struggling valiantly to find ways to hide steroid use.
Lola: He drops clean urine, denies using steroids, and you’re giving him a drug for what, steroid abuse?
Dr. House: No, no, it’s not. No, it’s got calcium in it. It’s very good for the bones. Basically, at a molecular level, it’s just milk.
Dr. House: [to Wilson] How long do you figure before I get a call from Cuddy?
Dr. Cuddy: You put him on Lupron.
Dr. House: Uh-huh.
Dr. Cuddy: And, you told them it was like milk.
Dr. House: Yes.
Dr. Cuddy: Is there any way in which that is not a lie?
Dr. House: It’s creamy. But, I had three reasons.
Dr. Cuddy: Good ones?
Dr. House: Well, we’ll see in a minute; I’m just making them up now.
Dr. House: We have managed to find the ONLY Sportsman in the galaxy who is NOT on steroids!
Dr. Cuddy: Twelve year old male, spiking fever, congested chest, coughing up green sputum, shortness of breath, pain in breathing…
Dr. House: Baffling, though I vaguely recall a disease called moonomia…noo-mania…?
Dr. Cuddy: But his test showed an atypical pattern for pneumonia.
Dr. House: Pneumonia! That’s the one!
Dr. Chase: How would you feel if I interfered in your personal life?
Dr. House: I’d hate it. That’s why I cleverly have no personal life.
Dr. Chase: [about his father] I don’t hate him. I loved him until I figured out it hurts a lot less to just not care. You don’t expect him to turn up to your football match? No disappointments. You don’t expect a call on your birthday, don’t expect to see him for months? No disappointments. You want us to go make up? Sink a few beers together, nice family hug? I’ve given him enough hugs. He’s given me enough disappointments.
Jeffrey Reilich: You’re treating him for both diseases?
Dr. Foreman: Covering all the bases.
Jeffrey Reilich: What, throw everything against the wall and see what sticks?
Dr. Chase: Works for spaghetti.
[Everyone stares at him]
Dr. Cuddy: Just enlarged hilar lymph nodes.
Dr. House: Tiny unicorns goring his bronchial tubes would be cooler.
Dr. House: Take another history. Even if we don’t figure out what’s causing this, we definitely need to know if twelve-year-olds are getting any action.
Dr. Wilson: You want to get to the bottom of this, you’re doing it exactly right: don’t talk to the people involved. Drag your buddy away from work for some pointless speculation.
Dr. House: You want to know how two chemicals interact. Do you ask them? No, they’re going to lie through their lying little chemical teeth. Throw them in a beaker and apply heat.
Dr. Wilson: God! Even I don’t like you.
Dr. House: You know, words can hurt.
Dr. House: But the patient’s getting better.
Dr. Chase: In spite of the Cytoxin.
Dr. House: On the other hand… getting better.
Dr. Chase: Cytoxin makes him more susceptible to infection. The anthrax could relapse and be more resistant.
Dr. House: Better!
Dr. Chase: You want a negative test on every autoimmune disease known to man? Fine!
Dr. House: Be home by midnight or you can’t have the car this weekend.
Dr. Cameron: Parents are never as bad as kids think they are.
[The hospital’s just been bought by billionaire drug mogul Edward Vogler]
Dr. House: No, I have seen every scary movie ever made. Six-year old twins in front of an elevator with blood. Boys’ choirs. Those are bad omens. This is much more mundane. A billionaire wants to get laid.
Dr. Wilson: Billionaires buy movie studios to get laid. They buy hospitals to get respect.
Dr. House: And the reason you want respect…?
Dr. Wilson: To… get laid.
Dr. Cuddy: I need you to wear your lab coat.
Dr. House: I need two days of outrageous sex with someone obscenely younger than you. Like half your age.
Dr. House: She’s the CEO of Sonyo Cosmetics. Three assistants and fifteen VPs checked out who should be treating her. Who da man? I da man. I always suspected.
Dr. House: Haven’t done the MUGA.
Dr. Wilson: Then how do you know she needs a heart transplant?
Dr. House: I got my aura read today. It said someone close to me had a broken heart.
[about Vogler being appointed board chairman of the hospital]
Dr. Cameron: That’s not necessarily bad news.
Dr. Foreman: Do you ever watch “Gilligan’s Island” reruns and really, really think they’re going to get off the island this time?
Dr. Wilson: She was uncomfortable doing any more tests! I had to convince her to do that one!
Dr. House: Do you get that often? Women would rather die than get naked with you?
Dr. House: You value our friendship more than your ethical responsibilities.
Dr. Wilson: Our friendship is an ethical responsibility.
Dr. House: Why are you doing this?
Dr. Cameron: I’m not doing anything.
Dr. House: You’re manipulating everyone.
Dr. Cameron: People… dismiss me. Because I’m a woman, because I’m pretty, because I’m not agressive. My opinions shouldn’t be rejected just because people don’t like me.
Dr. House: They like you. Everyone likes you.
[he starts to walk away]
Dr. Cameron: Do you? I have to know.
Dr. House: No.
Dr. Cameron: [smiles quietly] Okay.
[Vogler has reason to believe House lied during the transplant committee meeting]
Vogler: This is not a game, Dr. House.
Dr. House: No, this is more like we’re dancing right now.
Mob Rules [1.15]
Bill: His name’s Joey, he’s my only brother.
Dr. House: He’s important to you. Got it. No placebos for him, we’ll use the real medicine.
Dr. Chase: You can trust me.
Dr. House: Problem is, if I can’t trust you, I can’t trust your statement that I can trust you. But thanks anyway, you’ve been a big help.
Dr. House: Need the lawyer.
Vogler: Who’d you kill?
Dr. House: Nobody, but it’s not even lunch.
Dr. House: We’re a bit of a specialized hospital. We generally only deal with patients when they’re actually sick.
Dr. Foreman: You thought he was being poisoned by hemlock? Dr. Euripides tell you to check for that?
Dr. Cameron: I don’t have the right to show interest in someone?
Dr. Foreman: You absolutely do, and I absolutely have the right to humiliate you for it.
Bill: You wanna get hit, too?
Dr. House: That would be quite a trick. “He slapped me so hard his brother turned straight.”
Bill: Joey is not gay.
Dr. House: Maybe not gay. But certainly delightful. And hitting a doctor. Even if it was only Chase… and then asking another to keep his chart fresh and homo free.
Dr. House: That’s what I love about you mob guys: so tolerant of others, so accepting. Only way he was coming out was way, way out. Lose the tattoos, change his name, move to another town; how’s a guy like him going to do that? Witness protection. It’s not just for witnesses any more.
Dr. House: He’s a thirty year old mobster. He doesn’t have an occupation that results in accidental exposure to toxins.
He has a job that results in intentional exposure to toxins. Someone’s poisoned him.
Dr. Wilson: The ultrasound and biopsy confirmed our worry. The tumor is extremely large, at least thirty pounds.
Lucille: Oh, God.
Dr. House: It’s actually a personal record for this clinic.
Dr. House: You ever see an infected pierced scrotum?
Dr. Cuddy: Um, no, but I know a few people on whom I’d like to see it happen.
Dr. Foreman: Ten year olds do not have heart attacks. It’s gotta be a mistake.
Dr. House: Right. The simplest explanation is she’s a forty-year-old lying about her age. Maybe an actress trying to hang on.
Lucille: It’s really bad, especially at night. It’s like my heart is on fire, like it’s, uh, oh, I don’t know, like it’s…
Dr. House: Burning?
Dr. House: Hmm, sounds almost like heartburn.
Lucille: So, can you give me something?
Dr. House: Like a thesaurus?
Lucille: I’m not pregnant.
Dr. House: Sorry, you don’t get to make that call unless you have a stethoscope. Union rules.
Lucille: This, is what a woman is supposed to look like. We’re not just skin and bones - we have flesh. We have curves.
Dr. House: You have little people inside you.
[Dr. House has been told to fire one of his doctors]
Dr. House: I’m thinking I can convince Vogler it would be more cost-efficient to let me keep all of them.
Dr. Wilson: Yeah, you should be able to pull that off. Most billionaires aren’t very good with numbers.
Dr. House: It will be more cost-efficient once I’ve grabbed Cameron’s ass, called Foreman a spade, and Chase, well, I can grab his ass, too.
Dr. Wilson: You are uniquely talented in many areas, but office politics is not one of them.
Dr. House: Figures you’d try and come up with a solution where no one gets hurt. The problem is, the world doesn’t work that way just ’cause you want it to.
Dr. Cameron: Figures you’d stall and refuse to deal with the issue. Problem is, the world doesn’t go away just because you want it to.
Dr. House: Physician-patient confidentiality protects me from annoying conversations.
Role Model [1.17]
Dr. House: He didn’t have any reason to lie.
Dr. Wilson: Everybody lies…except politicians? House, I believe you’re a romantic. You didn’t just believe him - you believed in him. You want to come over tonight and watch old movies and cry?
Dr. Wilson: Dr. Cameron’s getting to you. Well, I guess you can’t be around that much niceness and not get any on you.
Dr. House: Is that why you haven’t put the moves on her?
Dr. Wilson: What makes you think I haven’t put the moves on her?
[House stops and stares]
Dr. Wilson: Oh. [whispers] Oh boy! You’re in trouble.
[laughs and exits]
Dr. Cameron: Do you know why people believe in God?
Dr. House: I thought you didn’t believe in God.
Dr. Cameron: I don’t.
Dr. House: Well then, you’d better be making a very good point.
Dr. Cameron: Do you think they pray to Him and praise Him because they want Him to know how great He is? God already knows that.
Dr. House: Are you … comparing me to God? I mean, that’s great, but just so you know, I’ve never made a tree.
Dr. Cameron: I thank you because it means something to me. To be grateful for what I receive.
Dr. House: You are the most naive atheist I’ve ever met…. People pray so that God won’t crush them like bugs. I’m not gonna crush you.
Dr. Cuddy: In the Senator’s condition, a spleen biopsy could easily cause sepsis and kill him!
Dr. House: Why do you do this to me? Now if I kill him, I can’t tell the judge I had no idea of the risks involved.
Dr. Cameron: [giving differential diagnosis] Idiopathic T-cell deficiency?
Dr. House: Idiopathic, from the Latin meaning we’re idiots ’cause we can’t figure out what’s causing it. Give him a whole body scan.
Dr. Cameron: You hate whole body scans.
Dr. House: ‘Cause they’re useless. Could probably scan every one of us and find five different doodads that look like cancer. But, when you’re 4th-down, 100 to go, in the snow, you don’t call a running play up the middle. Unless you’re the Jets.
Dr. Cameron: I hate sports metaphors.
Dr. Cuddy: You’re not doing a brain biopsy on a spot on an MRI.
Dr. House: Where’d you get that?
Dr. Cuddy: Not on a United States Senator.
Dr. House: Oh, just so I’m clear: if he was a janitor, that would be okay. Do you have a list?
Dr. House: [to black Senator] You’re not going to become President either way. They don’t call it the White House because of the paint job.
Dr. House: Someday there will be a gay president. Someday there will be a black president. There might even be a gay black president. But one combination I do not see happening is gay, black and dead.
Dr. House: [Regarding the speech promoting a new product Vogler is forcing him to give] I am selling my soul.
Dr. Wilson: Just a little piece. And you are getting something in return.
Dr. House: I said I was selling it. I didn’t say I was giving it away. That would be immoral and stupid.
Dr. House: [at press convention] Ed Vogler is a brilliant businessman, a brilliant judge of people, and a man who has never lost a fight. You know how I know that the new ACE inhibitor is good? Because the old one was good. The new one is really the same, it’s just more expensive. A lot more expensive. See, that’s another example of Ed’s brilliance. Whenever one of his drugs is about to lose its patent he has his boys and girls alter it just a tiny bit and patent it all over again. Making not just a pointless new pill, but millions and millions of dollars. Which is good for everybody, right? Except for the patients. Psht. Who cares? They’re just so damn sick. God obviously never liked them anyway. [Chase chugs his champagne.]
Babies & Bathwater [1.18]
Dr. House: Hey! You’re killing her!
Vogler: Really? See, I thought you were the one trying to ram her into a drug trial-
Dr. House: She knows the risks! She was fully informed!
Vogler: Well the guy running the study sure wasn’t.
Dr. House: Not his life, not his call!
Vogler: His study, his call!
Dr. House: Right, so she kicks off, his numbers look bad!
Vogler: The numbers look bad, the study looks bad.
Dr. House: Which would cost you money.
Vogler: Yeah, and keep a life-saving protocol off the market.
Dr. House: One person, one blip in the data!
Vogler: You ever heard of the FDA? They eat blips for breakfast! One person should never endanger thousands!
Dr. House: Well thank God you were here to save all those lives!
Dr. House: Did you make a pass at Cuddy? I told you: she only has thighs for me.
Dr. House: She has gone from the 25th weight percentile to the 3rd in one month. Now I’m not a baby expert, but I’m pretty sure they’re not supposed to shrink.
Rachel Kaplan: Well there’s this diet we put her on when she stopped breast feeding…
Andrew Kaplan: But it’s healthy, um, raw food. We’re vegans. Almond milk, tofu, uh, vegetables…
Dr. House: Raw food… If only her ancestors had mastered the secret of fire. Babies need fat, proteins, calories. Less important: sprouts and hemp. Starving babies is bad and illegal in many cultures. I’m having her admitted.
Dr. House: Don’t worry, it’s a vegan I.V.
[House is dreaming that Vogler has cancer]
Vogler: So, there is some hope.
Dr. House: Always. But just in case, I special-ordered a jumbo-sized coffin.
Vogler: Hey …
Dr. House: Don’t thank me. It’s just who I am.
Dr. House: Sorry, up late. Internet porn.
Dr. Chase: How come you’re not in your office?
Dr. House: Because there is a computer in my office. If I log on, romance will ensue. My wrist might fall off.
Dr. House: I really should have kept Cameron. She knew where to find the sugar.
Dr. Chase: It’s what I said. Pre-eclampsia. A little stress from the MRA and she pops right into labor.
Dr. House: A-ha! [holds up a packet of sugar]
Dr. Wilson: I have no kids, my marriage sucks… I only got two things that work for me: this job and this stupid screwed up friendship, and neither mattered enough for you to give one lousy speech.
Dr. House: They matter… If I could do it all again—
Dr. Wilson: —you’d do the exact same thing.
Dr. House: I saw the light on.
Dr. Cameron: It’s daytime.
Dr. House: Yeah. It’s a figure of speech. Always so literal.
Dr. Cameron: Got a new cane.
Dr. House: Yeah. Guy in the store said it was slimming. Vertical stripe…
Dr. Cameron: Why are you here?
Dr. House: Vogler is dead.
Dr. Cameron: What? What happened?
Dr. House: Again with the literal translation. Vogler the idea. Mr. Destructo. Mr. Money Bags, “Bow down before me”; he’s gone from the hospital, so things can go back to the way they were.
Dr. Cameron: The way they were was kinda weird.
Dr. House: Ehh…weird works for me.
Dr. Cameron: What are you saying? Literally?
Dr. House: I want you to come back.
Dr. Cameron: Why?
[House’s beeper goes off, Cameron crosses her arms]
Dr. House: Please unclench. You’re not on the clock, and when you do that, I clench, and then it’s the whole thing…
Dr. Cameron: Could you look at your pager?
Dr. House: It’s no big deal, some sort of epidemic. Not my area.
Dr. Cameron: You should go, it’s important.
Dr. House: What I’m doing now is important.
Dr. Cameron: Why do you want me back?
Dr. House: Because you’re a good doctor.
Dr. Cameron: That’s it?
Dr. House: That’s not enough?
Dr. Cameron: Not for me. Go deal with your plague.
[she shuts the door in his face]
[House walks into hospital and sees room full of possible epidemic patients and turns around towards exit]
Dr. Cuddy: Dr. House! We need you here.
Dr. House: Sorry, lotta sick people. I might catch something.
Dr. Roger Spain: Wow, I thought you’d be the last person to have a problem with nonconformity.
Dr. House: Nonconformity; right… I can’t remember the last time saw a twenty something kid with a tattoo of an Asian letter on his wrist. You are one wicked free thinker! You want to be a rebel; stop being cool. Wear a pocket protector like he does, and get a hair cut. Like the Asian kids that don’t leave the library for a twenty hours stretch. They’re the ones that don’t care what you think.
Dr. House: Sayonara
[Dr. Spain exits office]
Dr. Wilson: So, should I go through all the resumes looking for Asian names?
Dr. House: Actually, the Asian kids are probably just responding to parental pressure, but my point is still valid.
Dr. House: You Jewish?
Dr. Petra Gilmar: [Keeping her cool] Yes.
Dr. House: Is it true what they say about Jewish foreplay?
Dr. Wilson: [Desperate to change the subject] Uh, uh—
Dr. Petra Gilmar: Two hours of begging?
Dr. House: I heard four.
Dr. Petra Gilmar: Well, actually I’m only half Jewish.
Dr. House: Did you see her shoes?
Dr. Wilson: Her shoes? What, did your horoscope in Vogue tell you to avoid women wearing green shoes?
Dr. House: The eyes can mislead, a smile can lie, but the shoes always tell the truth.
Dr. Wilson: They were Prada, which means she has good taste.
Dr. House: They were not Prada. You wouldn’t know Prada if one stepped on your scrotum.
Dr. Wilson: Okay, well… they were nice, pointy.
Dr. House: Right rudder. Bank, bank, bank!
Dr. Cuddy: Good coffee? The rest of this hospital is busting its tail and you’re—
[House’s eyes get really wide, and he covers them with his folder]
Dr. Cuddy: What are you doing?
Dr. House: Trying to think of anything except the produce department at Whole Foods.
Dr. Cuddy: I am working, it got hot, stop acting like a 13-year-old!
Dr. House: Sorry, you just don’t usually see breasts like that on Deans of Medicine.
[Wilson tries to look anywhere except at Cuddy’s chest]
Dr. Cuddy: Oh, women can’t be heads of hospitals? Or just ugly ones?
Dr. House: No, they can be babes. You just don’t usually see their funbags.
Dr. Wilson: You had the perfect person, and you blew it.
Dr. House: You saw the shoes!
Dr. Wilson: I’m not talking about her.
Dr. House: You’re talking about Cameron.
Dr. Wilson: I’m talking about every woman you’ve ever given a damn about.
Dr. House: Cameron is so not perfect.
Dr. Wilson: Nobody’s perfect.
Dr. House: Mother Theresa?
Dr. Wilson: Dead.
Dr. House: Angelina Jolie?
Dr. Wilson: No medical degree.
Dr. House: Oh, so now who’s being picky?
Mary: You’re going to tell my parents?
Dr. House: Someone should. Rock paper scissors?
Mary: They don’t need to know. I’ll be all right.
Dr. House: Of course you will. If you’re old enough to bleed out of your vagina, obviously you’re old enough to handle a simple thing like an abortion without Mommy and Daddy’s help.
Dr. Wilson: You’re not going to be happy with anyone.
Dr. House: So what, your advice is… hire someone I’m not happy with and be happy?
Dr. Wilson: No, my advice is much more subtle. Stop being an ass.
Love Hurts [1.20]
Dr. Wilson: [about Cameron] So she’s really coming back?
Patient: Who’s coming back?
Dr. House: You don’t know her.
Dr. Wilson: You give her a raise? Increase her benefits?
Dr. House: Don’t have TiVo on this thing, can’t rewind. Shut up.
Patient: You lower her hours?
Dr. House: You don’t even know her!
Dr. Wilson: Who is this guy?
Dr. House: He’s a patient.
Patient: He’s examining me.
Dr. House: He’s got to go back to work as soon as I’m done with the examination. Guess I do too.
Dr. Wilson: It’s got to be something. I mean, she didn’t come back because she likes you.
[House gets a strange look on his face]
Dr. Wilson: Wait a minute! She did come back because she likes you!
Patient: Heh heh! You dog! You slept with her!
Dr. House: Keep talking. I’ll finish your exam with a prostate check.
Dr. House: I’ve agreed to take her on one date.
Dr. Wilson: What?!
Patient: So you into this girl?
Dr. Wilson: Yes.
Dr. House: No! She’s not giving me any choice.
Patient: Wait… she’s making you do her?
Dr. House: Date her.
Dr. Wilson: Young ingénue doctor falling in love with gruff, older mentor; her sweet, gentle nature bring him to a closer, fuller understanding of his wounded heart.
Patient: [puts his arm around House’s shoulders] Do her, or you’re gay.
Dr. House: For God’s sake.
[grabs TV and as he’s walking out the door]
Dr. Wilson & Patient: [singing] —sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G
Dr. House: Grow up. And learn to harmonize.
Dr. Cameron: [Referring to Dr. House] He agreed to go on a date with me.
Dr. Foreman: A date? Date, dinner and a movie, naked and sweaty date?
Dr. Cameron: He only committed to the first two.
Dr. Chase: House isn’t gonna hand you anything…You want him, you gotta take him - Jump him.
Ramona: My OB-GYN died recently. Nice man. Warm hands.
Dr. House: Not anymore.
Dr. House: Wow. Well, you’ve certainly given me a lot to think about. If only I was as open as you.
Dr. Cuddy: Well…
Dr. House: Actually, it was your blouse I was talking about.
Dr. Foreman: Hey, I’ve been on the scene more than you recently.
Dr. House: Way ahead of you. I’ve got a case of malt liquor stashed in the trunk, Mr. Marvin Gaye on the CD. We are gonna get all the way down.
Dr. House: The Love Doctor has made an art of breaking up with women. ‘Cause you’re convinced that the loss of you would be too devastating for any woman to handle.
Dr. Foreman: Yeah, I’m the one with the serious ego problem here.
Dr. Wilson: [House is attempting to put on a tie before his date with Cameron] The wide side’s too short. You’re gonna look like Lou Costello.
Dr. House: This is a mistake. I don’t know how to have casual conversation. You think you’re talking about one thing, and either you are and it’s incredibly boring, or you’re not because it’s subtext and you need a decoder ring.
Dr. Wilson: Open doors for her, help her with her chair…
Dr. House: I have been on a date.
Dr. Wilson: Uh, not since disco died. Comment on her shoes, her earrings, and then move on to D.H.A.: her Dreams, Hopes, and Aspirations. Trust me — panty-peeler. Oh, and if you need condoms, I’ve got some.
Dr. House: [sarcastically] Did your wife give them to you?
Dr. Wilson: Drug rep. They got antibiotics built in, somehow.
Dr. House: I should cancel. I’ve got a patient in surgery tomorrow.
[House moves to the kitchen]
Dr. Wilson: And if you were a surgeon, that would actually matter.
Dr. Cameron: I have one evening with you, one chance. And I don’t want to waste it talking about what movies you like or what wines you hate. I want to know how you feel—about me.
Dr. House: You live under the delusion that you can fix everything that isn’t perfect. That’s why you married a man who was dying of cancer. You don’t love, you need. And now that your husband is dead, you’re looking for your new charity case. That’s why you’re going out with me. I’m twice your age, I’m not great-looking, I’m not charming; I’m not even nice. What I am is what you need. I’m damaged.
Three Stories [1.21]
Medical student #1: We’re supposed to know how fast snakes make their venom?
Dr. House: Nope. Unless you’ve got a patient bit by one. Then it might be helpful.
Dr. House: Would you operate on your mother?
Medical student #2: Of course not. I’d be too nervous, couldn’t be objective.
Dr. House: Then why are you so anxious to treat everyone like they were family?
Dr. House: I’m sure this goes against everything you’ve been taught, but right and wrong do exist. Just because you don’t know what the right answer is, maybe there’s even no way you could know what the right answer is, doesn’t make your answer right or even okay. It’s much simpler than that. It’s just plain wrong.
[House is confronted by the Third Patient outside First Patient’s room]
Third Patient: It hurts again.
[Cut back to the classroom]
Medical student #2: He came back again?
Dr. House: [while popping a Vicodin] On average, drug addicts are stupid.
Medical student #3: Wait, wait, wait… The guy’s dying and all he cares about is his dog?
Dr. House: Any of you guys go the dog route in your improv sessions? It’s a basic truth of the human condition that everybody lies. The only variable is about what. The weird thing about telling someone they’re dying is it tends to focus their priorities. You find out what matters to them. What they’re willing to die for. What they’re willing to lie for.
Dr. House: I choose to believe that the white light people sometimes see visions, this patient saw. They’re all just chemical reactions that take place when the brain shuts down.
Dr. Foreman: You choose to believe that?
Dr. House: There’s no conclusive science. My choice has no practical relevance to my life, I choose the outcome I find more comforting.
Dr. Cameron: You find it more comforting to believe that this is it?
Dr. House: I find it more comforting to believe that this isn’t simply a test.
Carmen Electra: Can I put my pants back on?
Dr. House: I rather you didn’t.
Dr. House: It is in the nature of medicine that you are gonna screw up. You are gonna kill someone. If you can’t handle that reality, pick another profession. Or finish medical school and teach.
Dr. Cuddy: Dr. Reilly is throwing up. He obviously can’t lecture.
Dr. House: You witness the spew? Or you just have his word for it? I think I’m coming down with a little bit of the clap. May have to go home for a few days.
Dr. House: I like my leg. I’ve had it for as long as I can remember.
The Honeymoon [1.22]
Dr. Cameron: [Coffee mug in hand, standing next to the whiteboard with one arm draped over it] Foreman! Are you going to contribute, or are you too tired from stealing cars? [Foreman and Chase stare at her] I’m being House. It’s funny.
Dr. Foreman: [Deadpan] I know. You made milk come out of my nose.
Dr. Cameron: Previous tests revealed nothing that would cause abdominal pain or the mood swings.
Dr. House: Then we’re done! What do you think, ball game? Zoo? I don’t care, I just want to hang with you guys.
Dr. House: Do the things, the, you know, blah blah blah blah blah, all that stuff the other docs did. If that’s negative, ultrasound his belly. If that’s negative, CT his abdomen and pelvis, with and without contrast. Did I miss anything?
Dr. Chase: Kitchen sink?
Dr. House: Well, we could certainly give that a… oh, you minx.
Dr. House: Yeah, sorry, that was me. I had to dope him up to get him in here. Guy doesn’t think he’s sick.
Dr. Cameron: Who does?
Dr. House: His wife.
Dr. Cameron: The woman you used to live with.
Dr. House: That’s her Indian name. On her driver’s license it’s Stacy. I assume you have a point.
Dr. Cameron: You believe her over the patient himself. That’s why we’re taking this case.
Dr. House: The truth, I hear voices. All the time. Telling me to do stuff, it’s crazy, huh?
Dr. Cameron: What happened to “everybody lies”?
Dr. House: I was lying.
Stacy: [near tears] Please, if you’re right this may be his only shot.
Dr. House: So what’s your plan? You take the big, dark one, I’ve got the little girl, and the Aussie will run like a scared wombat if things turn rough.
Dr. Cuddy: [Catching up with House in the main lobby] I want to run something by you.
Dr. House: [loudly] I will not have sex with you! Not again! Miserable, that first time. All that desperate, administrative need.
Dr. Cameron: Any family history?
Stacy: Of? Whacked-outness? His sister voted for Nader, twice. That’s about it.
Dr. House: [on the phone, to Foreman] Dr. Mandingo, you’re needed at the plantation house.
Dr. House: Here’s to women. Can’t live with them, can’t kill them and tell the neighbors they’re stripping in Atlantic City.
Mark: Damn straight. [they chug their beers, trying to finish first]
Dr. House: I’m definitely taller.
Mark: I have more hair.