Dr. Cuddy: Two surgeries for multiple fractures and burns-
Dr. House: I was thinking the broken bones are a response to the building falling on her head.
Dr. House: Can't take the case. I don't have a team.
Dr. Cuddy: [holds up resumes] So hire a team.
Dr. House: What for? I don't have a case.
[Cuddy pulls the guitar cord out of the amp]
Dr. Cuddy: You've spent the last two weeks doing absolutely nothing. Concert's over.
Dr. House: In what twisted universe does mastering Eddie Van Halen's two-handed arpeggio technique count as absolutely nothing?
Dr. House: Imagine that the roof of the storage closet collapses on your favorite floor buffer, which then starts overheating.
Janitor: Why would I have a favorite floor buffer? [House looks at him] Okay... maybe the electrical works got banged up in there from stuff falling on it.
Dr. House: Hmm, interesting. Brain damage leading to hypothalamic disregulation. Nah, if you're brought in covered with rubble it's all about the MRI's, we would've seen that. C'mon! Gotta earn that fiver.
Janitor: Or stuff [points to his bottle of cleaning fluid] leaked in the holes, messin' it up.
Dr. House: Lacerations lead to multiple portals for infection. Bacterial would've responded to the antibiotics, [indicates "fever" written on the white board] it's too high for viral. Parasites or fungus is possible.
Janitor: Or maybe lupus. [House stops writing and stares at the guy] My grandma has lupus.
Dr. House: Okay, autoimmune. I'll run a lupus panel. Infection fits best. A complete history would be helpful, which leads to the worst part of the job: dealing with the floor buffer's family.
[House found the patient's hidden diary while searching their house]
Dr. Wilson: What does the diary say?
Dr. House: It's basically a list of her sexual encounters. Boys, girls, vibrating appliances.
Dr. Wilson: If it was you'd be quoting. That's summarizing.
Dr. House: It's a parade of sad banalities: can hardly get out of bed, feeling blue. Then, three months ago it turns into a parade of happy banalities: starting to turn the corner, job's looking up.
Dr. Wilson: We can stop swabbing, her clichés are getting healthier.
[After House has sent the janitor to get the family to sign a consent form]
Ben Prosner (patient's boyfriend): He's a janitor?!
Dr. House: More significantly, a blabbermouth.
Dr. Cuddy: House, shut up!
Dr. House: Don't you have a patient?
Female ER doctor: She shot herself in the leg while high on meth. Would it hurt her to be in pain for a little while?
Dr. House: Are you a fan of symmetry?
Female ER doctor: Sure.
Dr. House: Weird. 'Cause your eyes are lopsided. And by "eyes" I mean breasts.
Dr. House: ARDS and crush syndrome, both reactions to severe trauma. Why can't she have both?
Female ER doctor: Because... because then there's nothing we could do.
Dr. House: Boy, you remind me of someone.
Dr. Cuddy: Where did you come from?
Dr. House: Apes, if you believe the Democrats.
Dr. House: You test drive a car before you buy it; you have sex before marriage. I can't hire a team based on a ten minute interview. What if I don't like having sex with them?
Dr. House: Sometimes, I am wrong. I have a gift for observation, for reading people and situations, but sometimes, I am wrong. This will be the longest job interview of your life. I will test you in ways you will often consider unfair, demeaning and illegal, and you'll often be right. Look to your left, and now look to your right. By the end of six weeks, one of you will be gone, as well as twenty-eight more of you. Wear a cup.
The Right Stuff (4.02)
Dr. House: Who is this man? Come on, take a shot! I'm not gonna fire you every time you give a wrong answer.
Applicant #23: Neville Chamberlain?
Dr. House: You're fired.
Dr. House: As far as you're concerned, the patient is Osama bin Laden, and everyone not in this room is Delta Force. Any questions?
Applicant #11: We're protecting Osama bin Laden?
Dr. House: It's a metaphor. Get used to it.
Dr. House: Got a problem with the naked female form?
Applicant #32: Not at all.
Applicant #13: Maybe she's just not used to seeing it spooning with the naked dolphin form.
Dr. House: [after seeing Dr. Chase walk past] Did you just see a blond guy with a pretentious accent?
Applicant #24: Can't see an accent.
Dr. House: Good point.
Dr. Cuddy: From now on, everything you do gets charted. With pen. On Paper. In a binder that says "Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital" on the cover.
Dr. House: Moooomm!
Dr. Cuddy: If you want to run something through the labs, I get a copy. If you do scans, I get a copy. If you think about doing scans, I get a copy.
Dr. House: You know my current thoughts, right? I don't have to put those on paper.
Dr. House: Number 10, you're fired.
Applicant #10: She told you?
Dr. House: Well, it had to be someone who went to her home. Number 26 is half-asleep, missed his afternoon nap - obviously he doesn't feel guilt. Number 2 is here on a visa, she can't jeopardize...
Applicant #10: You can't know...
Dr. House: And... that chick [Applicant #24] has been pointing at you since I walked in.
Dr. House: I fired you!
Applicant #6: [wearing his number upside down] No, you didn't.
Applicant #24: He fired you. You're number 6.
Applicant #6: No, I'm not. I'm number 9.
Dr. House: I approve of your shamelessness. You're still fired.
Dr. House: Vitamin D is metabolized by both the liver and kidneys, it wouldn't tells us which one screwed up
Applicant #6: We could get her wasted. Give her shots of tequila measure how long it takes her to pass out. If it's too fast it means her liver's not processing alcohol, means it's shot.
Dr. House: I like you number 9.
Dr. House: So tell me about the magic underwear.
Applicant #18: Is that why you're here?
Dr. House: I'm the big drinker, doing my part for science. The interesting question is why your religious beliefs are suddenly less important than her dreams.
Applicant #18: You're reversing your argument?
Dr. House: I know what I believe, I'm just not quite sure what you believe.
Applicant #18: Well LDS doesn't try to dictate every detail of our lives. When a situation isn't clear, we're encouraged to make our own decisions.
Dr. House: But you're judgement was to say no. You used my judgement.
Applicant #18: You made a good argument.
Dr. House: Rational arguments don't usually work on religious people. Otherwise there wouldn't be religious people.
Applicant #18: You're an atheist.
Dr. House: Only on Christmas and Easter, the rest of the time it doesn't really matter.
Applicant #18: Wheres the fun in that? A finite un-mysterious universe?
Dr. House: It's not about fun, it's about the truth.
Applicant #18: She was having trouble breathing, refused oxygen and intubation.
Dr. House: So you put her on a treadmill...?
Applicant #13: Records will show that we gave her oxygen as part of a routine cardio stress-test. She gets to breathe, you boss gets her paperwork.
Dr. House: Whose idea was that?
Applicant #13: It's a joint decision
Dr. House: It never is.
Applicant #18: The problem is not the surgery, it's the scars. And we have a plastic surgeon here who can hide them.
Applicant #39: Not that well. NASA's gonna check every cranny.
Applicant #"9": I say we just put ether in her oxygen and do what we have to do.
Applicant #2: She'll sue.
Applicant #24: For what? Making it harder for her to lie to the government?
Applicant #39: We don't have to hide them. We give her elective cosmetic surgery. The incisions will give us access to her lungs and she's got an innocent explanation for the scars.
Applicant #2: You mean like liposuction?
Applicant #39: No, those incisions are too far from the lungs. We don't subtract, we add. Turn her B's into C's
Dr. House: It's a myth that fake hooters blow up at high altitude. She'll be fine. Just think of it as one giant rack for mankind
Dr. Cuddy: You bumped a splinectomy for a boobjob?
Dr. House: Would you condemn this woman to a life where people look at her face when they talk to her?
Dr. House: [After meeting Cameron in the ER] The blonde hair makes you look like a hooker. I like it.
Dr. House: [introducing the patient to the team] Heeeeeeeeeere's Osama!
97 Seconds (4.03)
Dr. Volakis: He said he'd be here by three, he's obviously not coming. [removes her runners bib and starts to leave] I'm going home.
Dr. Jeffrey Cole: Nobody follow her. She "pied pipered" nine people right out of a job last week.
Dr. House: If you're gonna try to take yourself out, why use electricity? You could eat a bullet, or jump off a building...
Dr. Wilson: I love the team thing, by the way.
Dr. House: ...or bury yourself alive in Cuddy's cleavage.
Dr. Wilson: Teamwork, collaboration, all for the greater good.
Dr. House: It would've been a suicidal gesture, as opposed to an actual attempt.
Dr. Wilson: Interestingly, the "rain in Spain" doesn't actually fall in the plain all that much.
Thirteen: Patient has spinal muscular atrophy. It's genetic, incurable. This is not a diagnostic mystery.
Dr. House: You have just given a state secret to the enemy.
Thirteen: What enemy?
Dr. House: New patient, new rules. Today you're gonna split yourselves into two teams. The first to figure out what's threatening to deprive the patient of the twenty or so miserable years he's got left with SMA gets to keep their jobs. Take off your numbers, you look stupid. I think I know who you are by now.
Dr. Lawrence Kutner: Wait, how do you want us to split up?
Dr. House: Good question [pauses, forgetting Dr. Kutner's name] ...overly-excited former foster kid. There's ten of you, I was thinking six against six. No, wait...
Twin 15A: How 'bout women versus men.
Dr. House: Excellent suggestion... fat twin. More interesting than "evens versus odds", less interesting than "shirts against skins". If your sex organs dangle - you're the confederates. If your sex organs are aesthetically pleasing - you're the yanks.
Dr. Volakis: Dr. House, I'd like to be on the men's team.
Dr. House: Do your sex organs dangle, cutthroat bitch?
Dr. Volakis: Not yet.
Dr. Henry Dobson: We're not okay.
Dr. Volakis: I get it - you don't like me because maybe I'm a little bit competitive.
Dr. Dobson: Manipulative.
Dr. Kutner: "Cutthroat bitch" is your official title.
Dr. Wilson:Now would have been an excellent time to lie!
Dr. House:Hi, Greg House
Dr. House: Cervical lymph node is a garbage dump. Very small one; just one truck comes; and it only comes from one home. Al Gore would be appalled.
Dr. House: [To the patient who electrocuted himself] I check this little box and your new roommates are Jesus and Crazy McLoonybin.
[Dr. House walks into Dr. Cuddy's office and sits down. There is long pause.]
Dr. Cuddy: Why are you here?
Dr. House: My offices is being used by my teams.
Dr. Cuddy: Teams?
Dr. House: ...Which means this is the only place where you can yell at me.
Dr. Cuddy: You have teamS?
Dr. House: Two of them. I wanted to deal with the yelling today because I noticed what you were wearing and I wouldn't have to listen all that closely.
Dr. Cuddy: You can't make a competition out of patient care.
Dr. House: Without competition we'd still be single-celled organisms. Can I go now?
Dr. Cuddy: Not until after the yelling. What's wrong with him?
Dr. House: I have seven of the finest minds on it, along with three very special-
Dr. Cuddy: You wouldn't be doing this unless you already knew-
Dr. House: Ah-ah, if I tell you, you tell them. Game's over.
Dr. Cuddy: If you know you are obligated to treat-
Dr. House: Well, then in that case I don't know. Why would a a guy voluntarily shove a metal object into an electrical socket?
Dr. Cuddy: I'm getting closer and closer to finding the answer. What would happen if I shut down this game?
Dr. House: I'd fire them all, hire forty new fellowship applicants, and start the game all over again.
[Dr. Chase and Dr. Cameron are leaving, when House confronts them in the lobby]
Dr. House: [to Chase] I can have you fired!
Dr. Chase: You already had me fired.
Dr. House: Just proves that I can.
Dr. Chase: Were the men wrong?
Dr. House: No. That doesn't change the fact--
Dr. Chase: Why are you yelling at me?
Dr. House: Because, performing tests for someone who is not a doctor in this hospital--
Dr. Chase: You're frustrated. You want help, I'm here. If you just need to vent... leave a message. [Chase leaves]
Dr. Cameron: I like him better like this. You?
Dr. House: HEY WILSON! I'M GOING TO CUT A CRIPPLE'S EYE OUT! WANNA WATCH?!
[Dr. Wilson opens his door and looks at Cuddy and House]
Dr. Wilson: Good times.
Guardian Angels (4.04)
Dr. House: [over the phone from his office] Goooood morning, Angels. As you will see from the file, we have quite the interesting case. Not often you get a patient who sees dead people.
Dr. Kutner: What file?
Dr. House: What the hell? I gave it to Bosley a half-hour ago.
Dr. Cameron: [enters House's office carrying a coffee] It was not a half-hour, it was ten minutes, and he made copies of the ER records first. [starts to give the coffee to Dr. House]
Dr. House: Less lip, more whip. I only agreed to take this case because you said that this mocha frappalicious would have whip on it.
Dr. Cameron: Fine, I'll refer the case to Foreman.
Dr. House: Can't. Mercy fired him.
Dr. Cameron: [surprised] He got fired?
Dr. House: Disobeyed his superior officer under fire. He's lucky he wasn't executed.
Dr Cameron: How do you know about it? Are you keeping tabs on him?
Dr. House: Girls talk.
Dr. Taub: [asking if Dobson isn't a doctor] You said one of us wasn't a doctor, and you called him a fraud.
Dr. House: He's not a doctor. Continue, Bos.
Dobson: Could be an STD...
Dr Taub: Why isn't he fired?
Dr. House: [starts randomly pressing buttons on the phone] Oh, you're breaking up! I'm going into a tunnel.
Dr. House: Dark Religious Nut,...
Dr. Cole: [surprised] What did you call me?
Dr. House: I'm sorry. What do you want to be called this week?
Dr. Cole: Cole.
Dr. House: Well, I'm never going to remember that. Take Bosley and the other visible minorities to the funeral home. The rest of you young, white people - the world is your oyster. An MRI with contrast, EEG, LP and blood panel. And Angels, be careful. [hangs up]
Dr. Cameron: [about Dr. Cole] Just because he's religious, doesn't mean he won't kick your ass.
Dr. House: You wanna bet?
Dr. Cameron: No, I want you to stop being such a jerk to him.
Dr. House: One hundred dollars.
[Dr. Cameron stops leaning on the desk]
Dr. House: Smart call. That guy's a wuss. He'll be the next one on the train.
Dr. Cameron: Define "kick your ass".
Dr. House: Any physical confrontation...
Dr. Cameron: ...Or verbal.
Dr. House: Define "verbal".
Dr. Cameron: Anything over... 70 decibels. And you can't start suddenly being nice to him!
Dr. House: You realize what you're encouraging here?
Dr. Cameron: [smiles] Yeah, someone kicking your ass.
Dr. Cole: What do you want us to do?
Dr. House: The question is... what would Joseph Smith do?
Dr. Cole: This isn't the time for asking--
Dr. House: You casting out the demons?
Dr. Cole: The patient's not possessed, she's dying. You can mock me tomorrow.
Dr. House: You believe that the book has all the answers.
Dr. Cole: It's a morality, not science!
Dr. House: But the book is inconsistent with science. Do you know how many epileptics were tortured because they were "possessed"? How many teenage witches were stoned to death because they took mushrooms?
Dr. Cole: Just shut up already! We've got a patient dying!
Dr. House: You either gotta prescribe an exorcism, or admit to me that Smith was a horny fraud--
[Dr. Cole turns around and punches House in the face, to the shock of everybody in the room.]
Dr. Volakis: [after a moment of silence] I know what she has.
Dr. House: You couldn't have spoken up ten seconds ago? You could've saved me a hundred bucks.
[The fellows are in the lecture room talking to House via phone]
Dr. Cole: Ethanol could have psychoactive effects...
Dr. House: Bosley, tell whoever's talking that he's an idiot.
[Dobson begins to stand up, but then stops. There is a long pause]
Dr. House: Bosley, either tell him he's an idiot, or tell me why I'm wrong.
Dobson: [to Dr Cole] You're an idiot.
Dobson: The disease [mad-cow disease] could be spread by brain tissue.
Dr. House: Which is very cool. Run with it.
Dr Brennan: So because the answer might be cool, you want us to do a brain biopsy on a twenty-four year old woman?
Dr. House: No, because is something cool I want you to a brain biopsy on a forty-eight year old dead guy.
Dr. House: Don't think of it as digging up a body, think of it as keeping another one from getting buried.
Dr. Volakis: Dr. Cuddy? I'm Amber Volakis, one of Dr. House's new fellows...
Dr. Cuddy: [interrupting her] Sexual harassment claims go through HR, stress-related leaves through workers' comp., and any accusations of criminal activity go directly to the Princeton-Plainsboro Police Department.
Dr. Taub: Enlarged spleen and liver failure are classic AIP. It's porphyria and it's moving fast.
Dobson: PBG's were negative. If you read the report-!
Dr. Taub: PBG tests are only conclusive if done during an attack, which you would know if you were a real doctor!
Dr. House: That is just great!
Dobson: What is?
Dr. Taub: Which one of us is?
Dr. House: Both of you, together. Fighting, passionate to prove the other one wrong. You couldn't care less about the patient, but it all works out the same.
Dr. Volakis: [eagerly] I hate Thirteen.
Dr. House: Not as productively.
Dr. Cameron: How's it going?
Dr. House: Great. The only way he [Dr. Cole] could turn any more cheeks is by pulling down his pants.
Dr. Cameron: He's not a wuss. It takes a lot more strength to-
Dr. House: We didn't bet on how strong he was.
Dr. Cameron: So you're going a collect a hundred dollars and fire him because he has principles?
Dr. House: What's your agenda here? You obviously don't care about the hundred.
Dr. Cameron: He's a decent, smart-
Dr. House: You don't care about the team.
Dr. Cameron: Does it annoy Wilson when you ask questions and ignore the answers?
Dr. House: Very much. You only care about who I hire and who I fire because you miss going through my mail. You can't stop controlling me.
Dr. House: I'm a jerk to everyone. Best way to protect yourself from lawsuits.
Dr. Cuddy: Doctor's lounge is covered in mud.
Dr. House: Thirteen and Cutthroat Bitch had a disagreement and the cafeteria was all out of jell-o.
Dr. Cuddy: There were pickaxes. Either you had them dig up a body, or you're building a railroad.
Dr. House: You guys don't wipe your feet when you come in the house? [hands Dr. Taub a mop] Doctors' Lounge, let's go.
Dr. Taub: Why me?
Dr. House: Well, I can't ask the black guy or one of the chicks to do it; it'd be insensitive.
Dr. House: Just a little piece of the brain. Seemed a waste; the guy wasn't using it anymore.
Dr. Cuddy: That's your defense? 'We Just dismembered him?'
Dr. Cuddy: How many of them agreed to dig up a grave?
Dr. House: Six. But don't worry, the one who didn't didn't stand on principle. He just had a diaper to change. I really think there are no bad choices in this group.
Mirror Mirror (4.05)
Dr. House: [about Sweden] Any country with that low an age of consent but that high a rate of suicide isn’t thinking straight.
Dr. House: [in the clinic waiting room] Who here doesn’t have any health insurance? [many people raise their hands] None? None at all? Michael Moore was right. MRI’s, PET scans, neuro-psych tests and private rooms for these patients. Fight the power!
Dr. House: War doesn't end until Foreman's gone.
Dr. Cuddy: Foreman's not going anywhere.
Dr. House: And I know when my Vicodin isn't Vicodin. Do you know when your birth control pills aren't birth control pills?
Dr. Foreman: [To Dr. House] Giovannini's?
Dr. House: Do you know any other mirror syndromes?
Dr. House: [To Dr. Kutner] You've electrocuted yourself and set a patient on fire. I like the dedication.
Dr. Kutner: Thank you.
Dr. Taub: It wasn't a compliment.
Dr. House: Yes it was. Now comes the insult; YOU'RE INSANE!
Dr. Cuddy: [dropping Foreman off to join House's new team] But Dr. Foreman will be my eyes and ears. You do nothing without his knowledge.
Dr. House: Oh, just in case I need them, where exactly will Dr. Foreman be keeping my balls?
Dr. House: I decided you were right. You're obviously in an impossible position. There's no point in me humiliating you.
Dr. Foreman: Thanks.
Dr. House: ... so I'm gonna humiliate Cuddy - until she fires you.
Dr. Foreman: The guy's faking. It's Munchausen's. You noticed the EMT runsheet? The paramedical that brought him in is also named Martin Harris.
Dr. House: Well, if the name was Atilla von Wienerschnitzel, I'd say you might be onto something.
[Cuddy and House are talking to the patient who is always "mirroring" the most powerful person around him, trying to figure out if Cuddy or House are more powerful]
Dr. Cuddy: Hi, I'm the Dean of Medicine.
Dr. House: Hi, I'm the guy who saved your life.
Dr. Cuddy: I can fire him. I can fire him now. I can fire him tomorrow. I don't even need -
Dr. House: She doesn't fire me. She never WILL fire me. She needs me -
Dr. Cuddy: He's a good doctor, that's all. I respect his expertise and I -
Dr. House: She's hot for me.
Patient: Shut up.
Dr. Cuddy: Well, that could have been either of us.
Patient: You have great ya-boos.
Dr. Cuddy: Still could have been either of us.
Dr. House: [Smiles] You lose.
Whatever It Takes (4.06)
Dr. House: [to the CIA agent recruiting him] If I have to walk somewhere, there better be at least five girls involved. And they’d better be working their way through college.
Dr. House: Horse chestnuts may look like chestnuts, but they taste like a horse’s lower-than-chest-nuts. Which makes the idea he accidentally ate a couple hundred slightly less persuasive.
Dr. House: [First walking trough the CIA building] Looks a lot better on 24. [Sees Dr. Terzi after walking into her office] I take that back.
Dr. Terzi: This is Dr. Sidney Curtis from the Mayo Clinic, he's also agreed to help with the diagnosis.
Dr. Curtis: [shakes hands with House] Dr. House.
Dr. House: "Curtis on Immunology" Sidney Curtis?
Dr. Curtis: [pleased] Oh, you've read it?
Dr. House: Nope, but it is keeping my piano level.
Dr. Terzi: I'm afraid there are going to be some limitations on his medical history. Just let me know what you need and I should be able to provide it.
Dr. House: FYI, my malpractice insurance doesn’t cover alien autopsies.
Dr. Terzi: That's fine. X-Files are in the next wing over.
Dr. Curtis: Where was the agent when he first fell ill?
Dr. Terzi: Sorry, that's classified, but assume there aren't too many places in the world John hasn't been and yes - "John"'s a cover name.
Dr. Curtis: And what makes you think it was an attempt on his life?
Dr. Terzi: Sorry, I can't tell you that either.
Dr. Curtis: Well, what can you tell us?
Dr. House: Yeah, did Oswald really have sex with Marilyn Monroe?
House: Who were you going to kill in Bolivia? My old housekeeper?
Dr. Terzi: We don't kill anyone.
House: I'm sorry - who were you going to marginalize? If it is my housekeeper, she has it coming. Cleaning the windows means cleaning both sides. Am I right or am I right?
Dr. Wilson: I was wondering when you'd grow bored of avoiding my calls.
Dr. House: Oh, I could never grow bored of ignoring you. What's the latest protocol on Waldenström's?
Dr. Wilson: Where are you?
Dr. House: CIA headquarters. How much fludarabine do you need?
Dr. Wilson: Either you're sprawled naked on your floor with an empty bottle of vicodin or collapsed naked in front of your computer with an empty bottle of Viagra. Please tell me which because Chase has another pool going.
Dr. House: They flew me in to help deal with a sick employee. How much-?
Dr. Wilson: [interrupting] Hallucinations. Damn! I shouldn't have bet on the Viagra.
Dr. House: You know, I have a position available on my penis - wait a second, I think I screwed up that joke.
Dr. Terzi: You're offering me a job?
Dr. House: I'd settle for that.
Dr. Terzi: As tempting as a position on your staff is, I like it here.
Dr. House: Pays better. And we've only had one assassination attempt
Dr. Terzi: And I'm sure you're a great boss, that's why your fellows left en masse a few months ago. [House looks awkwardly at her] I have satellite images.
Dr. House: You’ve got to get down here – they have a satellite aimed directly into Cuddy’s vagina. I told them the chance of invasion is slim to none, but…
Dr. Curtis: He [House] should be brought up on charges!
Dr. House OK, relax, I'll take your book out from under my piano.
Dr. Cameron: When - when you were dying, you tried to infect me, because you knew I'd fight for you if I thought I was dying, too.
Dr. Foreman: You're bringing this up now so I'll forgive you for messing with my patient?
Dr. Cameron: I'm happy I changed jobs. But, I know I'll never have that sort of... excitement.
Dr. Foreman: You miss people trying to kill you?
Dr. Cameron: No, I miss people doing whatever it takes to get the job done. [slight pause, Foreman nods] I guess that's why I'm having trouble giving it up.
Dr. Taub: [to House] Some of us pop pain pills, I cheat. We all have our vices.
Dr. House: [about Dr. Terzi] I think she might be an idiot.
Dr. Wilson: Who?
Dr. House: She can't be an idiot! She's in the CIA, for god's sake!
Dr. Wilson: The Bay of Pigs was a daring triumph?
Dr. House: You’re right about me being wrong and wrong about you being right.
Dr. Wilson: You've got a problem.
Dr. House: Tell me something I don't know.
Dr. Wilson: You hire beautiful girls, enslave them and force them to be around you because you don't know how to have an actual relationship. If they're qualified, keep them, if not, fire them and ask them out.
Dr. House: You do realize that "tell me something I don't know" is just an expression?
Dr. Wilson: Well it's great how he rebounded from that setback.
Director: [off screen] What setback?
Dr. Wilson: He didn't tell you about the...? Well, it's his right. The records were sealed. Personally, I think he was just tapping his foot and reaching for the toilet paper. Obviously, it was a witch hunt.
Director: You think they singled him out because...
Dr. Wilson: No, literally. It was a witch hunt. Doctor House is a practicing Wiccan. It's a beautiful religion. Very caring...
Dr. House: [entering off screen] Hey hey hey!
Dr. Cuddy: You think I like the cameras? You think I want the whole world watching you check out my ass and question my wardrobe?
Dr. House: Would it be better if I checked out your wardrobe and questioned your ass?
Dr. Cuddy: A little part of me...
Dr. House: [interrupting her] There is no little part of you.
[The movie crew is interviewing Cameron in the ER while she works on a patient]
Director: Before you worked in the ER you worked for House, right?
Dr. Cameron: Three and a half years.
Director: Why did you leave?
ER Patient: Hey, I - I don't want to be on TV. I'm not signing a release.
Director: We'll blur you out.
Dr. Cameron: [to the patient] Take off your pants.
ER Patient: [to the director] Will you be able to use any of this if I start swearing?
Director: Did House treat you as badly as he treats his current fellows?
Dr. Cameron: Loaded question.
ER Patient: Faaaarrrkk! [chuckles] That's not even a word. [giggles] Fork!
Director: [sarcastically] Very clever.
Dr. Cameron: I learned how to be a doctor from House. Or, at least a doctor who learned to be a doctor from House, if that makes any sense.
Director: And you left his team because... you couldn't stand him anymore?
Dr. Cameron: [distracted] No, no, I - I love Dr. House.
Director: [surprised] Now that's something we haven't heard.
Dr. Cameron: I mean, [slight pause] what did you ask me, again?
Director: Why you left.
Dr. Cameron: [confused, stuttering] I - I loved being... around him. Professionally, you know he was always... stimulating [realising what she just said] - not in the erotic sense of the word!
ER Patient: [giggling] Fork. They forked. And then they spooned.
Dr. House: I became a doctor because of the movie Patch Adams.
Dr. House: Also, my eyes look better in rooms with summer colors.
Dr. House: We can try and pretend we're above it or we can try and intellectualize it away, but ultimately, shiny, pretty, perky things are good, [pause] and ugly, misshapen teenage boys are repulsive.
Director: The question was, "Do you resent Dr. Cuddy's interference in your practice?"
Dr. House: Oh. Well then I guess my answer wasn't very helpful, was it?
Dr. Taub: There's a mass lesion in the left anterior temporal lobe surrounded by edema.
Dr. House: Did you just insult me in Pig Latin?
Dr. Wilson: Where'd you get those keys?
Dr. House: Blew the janitor.
Dr. Wilson: What?
Dr. House: That's his name.
Dr. Wilson: His name's Lou!
Dr. House: ...Owe him an apology.
Dr. Kutner: Are we gonna be on TV?
Dr. House: No I'm auditioning for my own music video.
Dr. Wilson: Wait rewind that.
Dr. House: What? Did you miss something.
Dr. Wilson: No. When she leans over I think you can see through her shirt.
Dr. House: Dr. Terzi you're fired. [Long pause]. So... you wanna have dinner, catch a movie?
You Don't Want To Know (4.08)
Dr. House: I noticed a trend: if no one does anything, sick people often get sicker.
Dr. House: You let her greedy fingers right into my cookie jar. Which, sadly, is not as dirty as it sounds.
Dr. House: I finally have a case of lupus.
Dr House: What's your blood type?
Magician: Type A...but...
Dr. House: Trust me, it is WAY better to know.
Dr. House: Bring me the thong of Lisa Cuddy.
[the fellows stare at him in disbelief]
Dr. House: Not kidding.
[the fellows continue staring]
Dr. House: Thong. Cuddy. Go.
[the fellows turn to Foreman]
Dr. Foreman: [resigned] That's how I got hired.
Taub: [Discovers rabbits in the patients home] Tularemia.
Kutner: [With his back turned] No, you'd have to have rabbits.
Taub: True. Maybe a tick jumped from a rabbit onto one of these white fluffy alligators.
Thirteen: [Sarcastically] Yeah, I've been here 8 weeks because my subscription to masochism weekly ran out.
Dr. House: Actual magic is oxymoronic. [pause] Might not even be oxy.
Magician: The man dislocating his shoulder. [pointing at Kutner] Tell the man next to you to come up.
Dr. House: Anyone do anything to deserve to stay.
Kutner: A magicians heart stopped while doing a trapped in water trick.
Dr. House: A man's heart stopped while he was underwater. Amazing.
Dr. House: Foreman, she's not wearing underwear.
Dr. Foreman: Big deal. If she stops wearing clothes then we can drop the medical stuff.
Dr. House: [Before doing surgery on a magician] Nothing up my sleeves. Nothing in my pocket. There's something in my pants, but it's not going to help with this trick.
Dr. House: Hypothetical situation, a woman drops something in public and instead of laughing it off she gets nervous and erratic.
Thirteen: Maybe she's nervous because she didn't do her spelling homework. [House stares at her] In my hypothetical she's 8.
Thirteen: [Talking about House] What did you do to him?
Dr. Cole: Amber's nickname is Cutthroat Bitch and you're blaming me.
Dr. House: OH MY GOD. You're not wearing underwear!
Dr. Cuddy: [Embarrassed] Of course I'm..
Dr. House: [Interrupts] Skirt that tight you got no secrets. Skirt that tight I can tell if you've got an IUD. You seen Dr. Cole?
Dr. Cuddy: [Blushing] No..
Dr. House: You're blushing.
Dr. Cuddy: [Not looking at House] I am not..
Dr. House: Look at me.
[Cuddy looks at House]
Dr. House: OH. MY. GOD!!!
[Cuddy walks away quickly]
Magician: People come to my show because they want a sense of wonder. They want to experience something they can't explain.
Dr. House: If the wonder's gone when the truth is known, there never was any wonder to begin with.
Dr. House: Remind me of your influences here. I’m gonna say, Thelonious Monk and the sound a trash compactor makes when you crawl inside it.
Rex: Maybe purposelessness is my purpose.
Dr. Volakis: Mission accomplished.
Dr. House: You're not taking the long view.
Dr. Foreman: The one where we stuff another patient in a body bag?
Dr. House: Nope, if we're wrong it'll come pretty fast. The long view is the one where we pick the best team; that way we can use all those bags we save for grocery shopping.
Dr. Volakis: Drug addicts use drugs is a stereotype? "Drugs are bad" is a stereotype? Losers lose is-
Dr. Taub: Don't care about the patient.
Thirteen: You care about this job more than you care about his life?
Dr. Taub: I care about my wallpaper more than I care about his life.
Thirteen: Okay, you're jerking me around. There's no reason to be a doctor if you don't care about-
Dr. Taub: I care about life, I just don't care about his.
Dr. House: What makes you so sure that drugs are a mask for something else?
Thirteen: Drugs are always a mask for something else.
Dr. House [pauses] That's the dumbest thing I have heard in my life.
[Thirteen leaves, House awards her extra points on the scoreboard]
Dr. House: [to Dr. Cuddy, when asking for her opinion as to which doctors he should keep] You're a bureaucratic nightmare, a chronic pain in the ass, and a second-rate doctor at best...
Dr. Cuddy: Am I blushing?
Dr. House: ...but, you do know this stuff.
Dr. Taub: Where is everybody else?
Dr. House: Clinic's been quarantined. A patient came in with avian flu-like symptoms. And 50 extra dollars in spending money.
Dr. Volakis: Does Foreman being here mean the game's over?
Dr. House: It means the patient's life is almost over. You can call it what you want.
Dr. Wilson: Dying's easy. Living's hard.
Dr. House: That can't possibly be as poignant as it sounded!
Dr. House: Amber! Please stand.
Dr. Volakis: You didn't call me a bitch... is that bad?
Dr. House: There are three choices in life: be good, get good or give up. You went for column D. Why? The simple answer is "If you don't try, you can't fail"
It's A Wonderful Lie (4.10)
Dr. Kutner: Can we do a "Secret Santa"?
Dr. House: I liked you better fifteen seconds ago when you were afraid for your job.
Dr. House: There's a reason that everybody lies: it works. It's what allows society to function. It's what separates man from beast.
Dr. Wilson: Oh, I thought that was our thumbs.
Dr. House: You wanna know every place your mom's thumb has been?
Dr. Wilson: I'm sorry, I missed rehearsal, am I taking the "truth is good" side? Don't you usually take that side?
Dr. House: Lies are a tool - they can be used either for good or- no, wait, I've got a better one: Lies are like children: hard work, but they're worth it because the future depends on them.
Dr. Cuddy: You owe me 50 bucks.
Dr. House: And you owe me half a lap dance.
Dr. House: [walking with Wilson] Where're we going?
Dr. Wilson: Nowhere, I just know it hurts you.
Dr. House: I wanna hire 40 more fellows.
Dr. Cuddy: You already fired the ones you hired?!
Dr. House: They work better when they're scared.
Dr. Taub: [enters] You were right, the guy slipped her ecstasy.
Dr. House: Showing any symptoms?
Dr. Taub: No. Kutner's starting her on hemodialysis and Thirteen's in the lab trying to figure out what the guy put in the drugs. [leaves]
Dr. House: [annoyed] See! A clear, simple statement of facts describing their cooperation with absolutely no attitude of fear.
Dr. Cuddy: [deadpan sarcastic] Something's gotta be done.
Dr. House: Oh yeah!
Dr. House: The notion of picking one time of year to be decent to other people is obscene because it’s actually validating the notion of being miserable wretches the rest of the year.
Dr. House: I saw something amazing: pure truth. She told her mother that she was dying. Stripped her of all hope.
Dr. Wilson: [haltingly] That sounds... horrible.
Dr. House: It was like watching some... bizarre astronomical event you know you're never gonna see again.
Dr. Wilson: You tell people the cold, hard truth all the time. You get off on it.
Dr. House: Because I don't care. She cared, she did it anyway. She did it because she cared.
Dr. Wilson: [sarcastically] The angels of Christmas have finally given House a present he can appreciate.
Dr. House: Oh, don't ruin it. Don't pin this on Christ, he's got enough nails in him.
Dr. House: Why don't you take that thing off that hat!
Dr. Wilson: It's Christmas...it's a reindeer.
Dr. House: It's a moose on a Jew.
Dr. Wilson: Who cares? [He makes the hat's left antler flap.]
Dr. House: [rolls his eyes] Are you a doctor? Did you go to med school since the last time I asked?
Jane: You just think we gotta be lying-
Dr. House: [cuts her off] White lies?
Jane: What are those?
Dr. House: Those are lies we tell to make other people feel better.
Jane: I don’t lie.
Dr. House: Rationalizations?
Jane: What are those?
Dr. House: Those are lies we tell to make ourselves feel better.
Dr. Taub: Try bondage.
Dr. House: I did once. She just tied me down and whined about how hard it is to be Dean of Medicine.
Dr. House: Do you spell "homie" with a y?
[Foreman looks at him questioningly]
Dr. House: I want to be respectful.
Foreman: [After Wilson explains House's courtship rituals] Oh my God! He's been wooing me for years!
Dr. House: [To Wilson] You, for some reason, are happy.
Dr. Wilson: [sarcastically] How dare you!
Dr. House: Oh great, I can't get cable but I get the South Pole on hi-def.
Dr. House: Come on, Kate, let's get this over with.
Dr. Wilson: [he mutes the microphone on the webcam] You used her name.
Dr. House: Just trying to move things along, Bob.
Dr. House: You're wearing that shirt for someone.
Dr. Wilson: The health department. They frown on topless oncology.
Dr. House: Cutthroat bitch?!
Dr. Wilson: Well, I just call her Amber.
Dr. Kutner: [in response to House asking what is the right answer] ...I love you?
Dr. Wilson: Why am I here?
Dr. House: Because I wanna ask you about your girlfriend. I must know who she is, or you would’ve told me her name.
Dr. Wilson: She doesn’t have a name, it’s some sort of... birth defect.
Dr. House: There’s only about 12 people we both know. I can’t remember 5 of their names. So we’re down to Cuddy, your ex wives...
Dr. Wilson: Your mama.
Don't Ever Change (4.12)
Dr. House: [To Dr. Wilson] You don't like strong. You don't like assertive. You like needy. She's not dying is she?
Dr. House: People don't change. For example, I'm going to keep repeating "People don't change."
Dr. Taub: She's nuts, but we can't just give her 10 cc's of atheism and send her home.
Amber Volakis: Hi Greg. I call you Greg because we're now social equals.
Dr. House: And I call you Cutthroat Bitch, well, quod erat demonstrandum. And I speak in Latin because I don't try to hide what an ass I am.
[Amber leaves House and Wilson at the bar while she complains to the restaurant's host about the long wait for a table]
Dr. House: Look, now she’s going to hit him in the face with your testicles.
Dr. Wilson: She tends to treat…She tends to treat every event like it’s the last copter out of Saigon.
Dr. House: She’s the Anti-Wilson. A force for evil.
Dr. Wilson: She has an annoying quality. Perhaps even two. If I was perfect, I’d date perfect.
Dr. House: You like that!
Dr. Wilson: It’s annoying, but she’s good at it.
Dr. House: Wait a second, this isn't just about the sex. You like her personality. You like that she’s conniving. You like that she has no regard for consequences. You like that she can humiliate someone if it serves…[his eyes widen] Oh my God! You’re sleeping with me!
Dr. Cuddy: Are you sure she [Amber] doesn't wanna just take you back to her lair, hang you upside down, and deposit her eggs in you?
Dr. Wilson: Excellent disguise, House.
Dr. Kutner: Saw Amber drop off Wilson this morning.
Dr House: Yeah the male always drives the female.
Dr.House: I wrote it in black, I'm always serious when I use black.
Dr. Wilson: [To Dr. House] C'est la vie, and I use the French because you're an ass.
Dr. House: You will trust my diagnosis, you'll let me treat her because in this temple, I'm Dr. Yahweh!
Dr. House: If you do change, can't it be the part of you that chases me down the halls trying to change me?
Dr. Wilson: Do you know what this means?
Dr. House: That you've made ONE good dating choice. The fabric of the space-time continuum could unravel.
Dr. Wilson: My whole world could expand. I could form a long term connection that isn't with you. And since you put the darkest possible construction on everything, you could end up losing a friend. You've thought of all this, and yet you're going along with it. Are you being self-sacrificing?
Dr. House: I'll sacrifice a lab rat, I'll sacrifice a fly, I'll sacrifice $200 on a mudder at Monmouth Park. I don't sacrifice self.
Dr. House: Solve this case and the job is yours.
Amber Volakis: Is there a "Drop Wilson" clause attached to this?
Dr. House: Standard contract all employees sign.
Amber Volakis: Why do you have to believe I have an ulterior motive?
Dr. House: For the same reason I believe that crack whores can have sex… for crack.
Amber Volakis: All my life I thought I had to choose between love and respect. And I chose respect. And with Wilson… I know what it's like to have both. And that beats a fellowship.
Dr. House: You've changed.
Amber Volakis: I certainly hope so.
Dr. Foreman: [to Thirteen] People who have a problem with boxes are people who don't fit in them.
Dr. Cuddy: So alcoholics that successfully go through treatment don't exist.
Dr. House: They're still alcoholics. If they never take another drink as long as they live only 'cause they didn't live long enough.
No More Mr. Nice Guy (4.13)
Dr. House: If you want to stop car accidents, take out the air bags and attach machetes pointing at their throats. No one will go over three miles an hour.
Dr. House: I didn't invite you to be nice; I invited you because bowling isn't one of the two things guys do by themselves.
Dr. Chase: What's the other?
Dr. House: Other hand.
Dr. House:I want joint custody.
Amber: Of Wilson?
Dr. House: Unless we have another love child
Dr. House: That top makes you look like an Afghani prostitute.
Dr. House: What you want you run away from, what you need you don't have a clue, what you've accomplished makes you proud, but you're still miserable. Please Sign.
Dr. House: [to Cameron]: Is he Canadian?
Dr. Cameron: He's a low priority.
Dr. House: Is that a yes?
Dr. House: I wish the best for them [Wilson and Amber], and their tragically deformed children.
Dr. Wilson: You two are like dogs circling each other in the park, [to Amber] and I say that with all the love in the world. You need to sniff each others butts, bear you teeth and arrive at some strange detante, otherwise you'll end up biting each other's eyes out, [to Amber] again: all the love in the world.
Dr. Cameron: Are you comparing House to Hitler?
Dr. Chase: Oh God
Dr. Cameron: Just because I don't think he's Hitler doesn't mean I slept with him. I don't sleep with everyone who's better than Hitler.
Living the Dream (4.14)
Dr. Cuddy: Why is House driving a limo?
Dr. Foreman: Don't know.
Dr. Cameron: Don't have to know.
Dr. Chase: Don't … care?
Dr. House: [to Dr. Cameron, who is doing paperwork for him] Stick to the filing sweetheart, let the doctors do the doctoring.
Dr. Cameron: You will need to run an EMG test for motor nerve entrapment or the inspector will own your ass.
Dr. House: Kutner! Leave the room. Wait thirty minutes, come back and tell her the test was negative.
Dr. Kutner: Is it okay if I use that time to do the test?
[The team is watching DVDs for research]
Dr. Taub: Does sound a little forced… could be stiffening in his tongue, which is a symptom of mixadema
Thirteen: It's not the tongue, it's the dialogue. I think I dated that nurse though…
[House looks at her]
Dr. House: You want the star of the hottest daytime drama on TV to die in your hospital?
Dr. Cuddy: I want you to cure him without committing any more felonies.
Dr. House: I can't do my job when you're gonna tie my hands like that!
Thirteen: We should have him spend a night in the sleep lab and see if he gets a reflex erection.
Dr. House: Confirmation is for wimps and altar boys! We don't need to wait for a reflex. If he can't get engorged the way god intended, he can't get engorged [looks at Cameron]
Dr. Cameron: I'm not showing him my boobs.
Dr. House: Lack of response to your chest tells us nothing. Thirteen, show him y… — I gotta find a decent set of knockers around here.
Dr. Cameron: Your porn is in the second drawer.
Dr. House: Dr. House. I don't think we've met.
Dr. Conway: Dr. Jamie Conway. I've heard your name.
Dr. House: Most people have: It's also a noun.
Dr. Conway: Heard about House's patient. Bold move. And you backed him.
Dr. Cuddy: He was right.
Dr. Conway: He wasn't even in the same neighborhood as right.
Dr. Cuddy: The patient's alive.
Dr. Conway: Okay,the rules exist because 95% of the time for 95% of the people, they're the right thing to do.
Dr. Cuddy: And the other 5%?
Dr. Conway: Have to live by the same rules. because everybody thinks they're in that 5%.
Dr. Cuddy: All I ask is that you tone it down for a few days.
Dr. House: I want that TV.
Dr. Cuddy: We're not bargaining.
Dr. House: You want something. Either you're bargaining or you're begging.
Dr. Cuddy: Me keeping my job is good for you.
Dr. House: Yes, but it's better for you. I just want us to be equally happy. ... Got to go, need a decision.
Dr. Cuddy: You're not going to cut your own throat?
Dr. House: Yeah, that sounds like me.
Evan Greer: You really as good as everyone seems to think you are?
Dr. House: Are you really as miserable, as everyone seems to think you are?
Evan Greer: I just wanna do something...that matters.
Dr. House: Nothing matters, we're all just cockroaches, wildebeests dying in the riverbank, nothing we do has any lasting meaning.
Evan Greer: And you think I'm miserable.
Dr. House: Your unhappy on the plane, jump out of it.
Evan Greer: I want to but...I can't.
Dr. House: Hmm...that's the problem with metaphors, they need interpretation. Jumping out of the plane is stupid.
Evan Greer: What if I'm not in a plane? What if I'm just in a place I don't want to be?
Dr. House: That's the other problem with metaphors. Yes, what if you're really in an ice cream truck, and outside are candy and flowers and virgins? You're on a plane! We're all on planes. Life is dangerous and complicated, and...it's a long way down.
Evan Greer: So you're afraid of change?
Dr. House: No you're afraid to change. You rather imagine you can escape, instead of actually try. 'Cause if you fail, then you've got nothing. So you'll give up the chance of something real, so that you can hold on to hope. Thing is, hope is for sissies.
Evan Greer: [Starting to hallucinate] When I get out of here I'm not gonna be afraid anymore. I mean, how many guys get a second chance?
Dr. House: Too many. Half the people I save don't deserve a second chance.
House's Head (4.15)
Dr. Cameron: You're staying the night, we have to monitor your brain for swelling.
Dr. House: How much bigger could it get?
Dr. House: You've got a brain tumor.
Emo-Punk: Are you serious?
Dr. House: If I was kidding, I'd be dressed like you.
Dr. House: [Not remembering the names of Taub and Thirteen] Lesbian. Find out if anybody on that bus was taken to other hospitals.
Thirteen: He just forgot mine.
Dr. House: No, 13, I just wanted to call you a lesbian.
Thirteen: I’m not a lesbian.
Dr. House: I was rounding up from 50%.
Wilson: A week ago you saw a symptom in a soap star.
Dr. House: Bad argument, considering I was right.
Thirteen: Why the bath?
Dr. House: Hypnosis gave me a nose-picker, smells set off hallucinations, sensory deprivation should get the brain into an alpha-theta phase. Did you see Altered States?
Thirteen: I don't think I was even born when that movie was out.
Dr. House: Well then you're too young to be a doctor. That movie was released in 1980
Thirteen: That was twenty-eight years ago.
Dr. House: [Dismissively] No it wasn't, shut up.
Thirteen: Did you just... forget what year it is?
Dr. House: [After a beat] No, I just remembered how old I am.
Dr. House: Give me some physostigmine, it crosses the blood-brain barrier.
Thirteen: [Sarcastically cheery] ...And act like a nerve gas, stop your heart, and you'll go to heaven and be omniscient! Good idea, not gonna happen.
Dr. Cuddy: I didn't know you rode the bus.
Dr. House: I used to drive home after getting drunk, but some mothers got "MA-D-D".
Dr. House: What are you doing here? You weren't on the bus with me.
Dr. Cuddy: Then I guess this isn't a memory - this is a fantasy.
Dr. House: If it's a fantasy, you'd be wearing this.
[The camera cuts back to Cuddy, who is now dressed like a stripper]
Dr. Cuddy: You're convinced your patient is dying and you want to waste your time with a sex fantasy?!
Dr. House: Don't blame me, blame my gender.
Dr. Cuddy: Well, I'm not here to indulge that, I'm here to help you figure out what symptom you saw. Your patient was driving the bus so all you could see was-
Dr. House: [Interrupts] Why can't you do both?
[Electronic music starts playing and Cuddy starts stripping provocatively while carrying out a differential diagnosis with House]
Dr. Cuddy: [Stops stripping and looks at House] I'm distracting you. [starts to get up]
Dr. House: No!
[Cut back to Cuddy who is now dressed normally and sits down next to House]
Dr. House: Dance, woman!
Dr. Cuddy: [Resignedly] You'd rather be diagnosing.
Dr. House: I screamed "no"!
Dr. Cuddy: And your own subconscious ignored you. I guess you'd rather fantasize about finding symptoms. How screwed up is that?
Nurse: Who are you talking to?
Dr. House: My large colon!
[House takes a pill]
Dr. Cuddy: Is that vicodin?
Dr. House: Nope, just a little memory pick-me-up.
Dr. Cameron: [Grabs the bottle from him] Physostigmine.
Dr. Cuddy: Are you crazy! Alzheimer drugs will make your brain go into overdrive!
Dr. House: That's the point. Speed up my neural firing, turn up the voltage on my memory.
Dr. Wilson: And blow out your heart. How many did you take?
Dr. House: Just now, or including the ones I took on the way over?
Wilson's Heart (4.16)
Dr. Taub: I need to know if there's anything medically-relevant you couldn't share publicly.
Dr. House: What is this? A Philanderers Anonymous intervention?
[Thirteen feels uneasy watching a video on Amber's laptop.]
Thirteen: It's not even close to relevant.
Dr. Kutner: As long as we don't know what's wrong, we don't know what's relevant.
Thirteen: It's Amber.
Dr. House: Normally, I'd be fascinated. Today, don't care. Get over whatever it is and do your job.
Dr. House: Start her on IV interferon. I'll go tell Wilson.
Dr. Foreman: Good idea. And I'll go nap because I was concussed last night and had a heart attack this morning. I'll tell Wilson. You go sleep.
Dr. House: Thirteen, stick a needle in there. If there's pus, Foreman's right.
Thirteen: Ultrasound is safer.
Dr. House: I'm not asking you to stick it all the way through. Taub, do it.
Thirteen: Wait, I can do-
Dr. House: No, apparently you can't!
[Thirteen walks out.]
Dr. Wilson: We're not starting her heart till we're one hundred percent certain.
Dr. Foreman: We're never one hundred percent certain!
Dr. Wilson: You can't do this.
Dr. House: It's not a good argument. It's not an argument at all. I'm sorry.
Dr. Wilson: Cuddy's right. I was afraid to do anything. I thought if everything just stopped, it would be okay.
Dr. House: And it's gonna be. Taub's starting treatment. We're doing everything-
Dr. Wilson: Not everything. Before you warm her up, you said that you wanted to try deep-brain stimulation.
Dr. House: There's no reason. We know the symptom. We know what I saw.
Dr. Wilson: What if it's not the rash? What if you noticed the rash on the ambulance when we were putting her on bypass? What if there is still something else stuck inside your head?
Dr. House: You think I should risk my life to save Amber's?
[House nods in agreement.]
Dr. Wilson: You should call time of death.
Dr. Cuddy: Technically, she's still alive. Could probably survive a few more hours by bypass. We can wean her off anesthesia, wake her up, give you a chance to-
Dr. Wilson: Don't be cruel. Don't.
Dr. Cuddy: Wake Amber up. See her again. Tell her what she means to you.
Dr. Wilson: Wake her up to tell her that she's… [Wilson breaks down. Cuddy embraces him.]
Dr. Cuddy: You are waking her up so that you could say goodbye to each other. She would want it.
Thirteen: We should say goodbye.
Dr. Taub: She didn't even like us.
Dr. Kutner: We liked her.
Dr. Taub: Did we?
Dr. Foreman: We do now.
Dr. Taub: What do we say?
Dr. Kutner: We don't need to say anything.
[House and Amber are sitting in an empty bus.]
Dr. House: You're dead.
Amber: Everybody dies.
Dr. House: Am I dead?
Amber: [pause] Not yet.
Dr. House: I should be.
Dr. House: 'cause life shouldn't be random. 'Cause lonely, misanthropic drug addicts should die in bus crashes. And young do-gooders in love that get dragged out of their apartment in the middle of the night should walk away clean.
Amber: Self-pity isn't like you.
Dr. House: I'm branching out from self-loathing, self-destruction. [pause] Wilson is gonna hate me.
Amber: You kinda deserve it.
Dr. House: [pause] He's my best friend.
Amber: I know. [whispers] What now?
Dr. House: I stay here with you.
Amber: Get off the bus.
Dr. House: [shakes head] I can't.
Amber: Why not?
Dr. House: Because…Because it doesn't hurt here. I'm not…I don't want to be in pain. I don't want to be miserable. [pause] And I don't want him to hate me.
Amber: Well, you can't always get what you want.
[Amber raises her eyebrows in encouragement. House gives a nod and walks away.]
Amber: [dying] I'm tired [Wilson nods]...I think it's time to go to sleep...
Wilson: [crying] Just a little bit longer.
Amber: We're always going to want...just a little bit longer.
Wilson: I don't think I can do it.
Amber: It's ok.
Wilson: It's not ok...how can this be ok...why aren't you angry?
Amber: That's not the last feeling...that I want to experience.
[Wilson kisses Amber and turns off her life support]
Amber's note: Sorry I'm not here...went to pick up House ♥ A
Thirteen: You are the champion of not dealing with your problems...
Dr. House: My grandson gave me a mug that says that.