Dr. Wilson: So if there’s no diagnostic issue why are you taking the case?
Dr. House: …Treatment can be interesting.
Dr. Wilson: Not to you.
Dr. House: I’ve changed.
Dr. Wilson: No you haven’t.
Dr. House: [immediately] No I haven’t.
Dr. House: [leaning over the end of the patient’s bed] Don’t worry, I’m not going to burn you again. I’m going to [reveals needle] STAB YOU!
Dr. Cameron: We should give her a local.
Dr. House: That would defeat the purpose of me being nasty.
Dr. Cuddy: You’ve been back at work for 24 hours and already you’re playing hide-and-seek in a woman’s spine.
Dr. House: Who won the pool?
Dr. Wilson: You really don’t give a crap, do you?
Dr. House: Does that make me evil?
Dr. Wilson: Yeah.
Dr. Wilson: The reason we crave meaning is because it makes us happy. The first level of happiness… [House walks away] I’m not going away.
Dr. Wilson: The fifth level of happiness involves Creation, changing lives.
Dr. House: The sixth level is heroin, the seventh level is you going away.
Caren Krause: Scurvy? Like what sailors get when they don’t eat right?
Dr. Foreman: Aye aye.
Arlene: I’m taking care of him for the same reason you helped us.
Dr. House: Some guy shot you and you hallucinated?
Dr. House: I don’t remember you being this bitchy.
Dr. Wilson: The Vicodin dulled it. In the sober light of day, I’m a buzz-kill.
Dr. Wilson: Just because he was right, doesn’t mean he wasn’t wrong.
Dr. Cuddy: I see him every day. I can’t just —
Dr. Wilson: Everybody lies.
[House has just done a skateboard trick.]
Dr. House: Oh! I stuck that primo! How rad am I?!
Dr. Cameron: You’re lucky he didn’t die.
Dr. House: I’m lucky? He’s the one who didn’t die.
[House has just run all the way from his home to the hospital]
Dr. Cuddy: Why did you…?
Dr. House: Why does a dog lick its workplace-acceptable euphemism for testicles?
Dr. Wilson: Because he can.
Dr. House: Inject him with cortisol. He’ll have sex with his wife again! He’ll hug his kid again! Hopefully that’s the combination he was using… be a shame if I cured a pedophile.
Dr. Cuddy: Twenty-four times a year you come storming into my office spouting that you can help someone. Except you never say those words. You say something like, “His pancreas is going to explode because his brain is on fire!”
Dr. House: Would you like to get a drink?
Dr. Cameron: Are you .. are you serious or are you just trying to change the subject?
Dr. House: No I’m serious. I drink, you drink, we can do it at the same time, at the same table. Do you eat? We could do that too. Hey, if the answer’s “no” that’s cool, but…
Dr. Cameron: No it’s just… you’re just coming off surgery and you’re not yourself yet and I work for you and even though last year’s… agh. You’re smiling. I’m saying no and you’re smiling.
Dr. House: Well don’t take it personally, it’s just cause you’re full of crap. You have no interest in going out with me. Maybe you did when I couldn’t walk, when I was a sick puppy that you could nurture back to health. Now that I’m healthy there’s nothing in it for you.
Dr. Cameron: You are not healthy. Cuddy wants to see you.
Cane and Able (3.02)
Dr. House: So you’re saying Chase did screw up.
Dr. Chase: Or Foreman screwed up.
Dr. Foreman: Big hand points to minutes, maybe you got them mixed up.
Dr. House: Oh snap, Foreman is playing the dozens. You’re at a huge cultural disadvantage here, Chase. Take a couple minutes here and think of a witty retort.
Dr. Chase: Hey Foreman, your momma’s so fat that when her beeper goes off, people think she’s backing up.
Dr. Cameron: Is your leg hurting?
Dr. House: Is that question helping?
Dr. Cameron: You’re leaning.
Dr. House: You’re sitting.
Dr. Cameron: You’re evading.
Dr. House: My head’s hurting.
Richard: I want to have sex with my wife.
Dr. Cameron: Oh.
Richard: And I was hoping maybe you could …
Dr. Cameron: Viagra? You’re here for Viagra?
Richard: A bucket full would be nice.
Dr. House: Can you believe what Cuddy tried to pull?
Dr. Wilson: What now?
Dr. House: She lied to me. She cured my patient with my diagnosis, then lied to me about it.
Dr. Wilson: That doesn’t sound like her.
Dr. House: You’re right. Does sound like you, though.
Dr. Wilson: What exactly did Cuddy tell you?
Dr. House: Nothing that your body language isn’t telling me right now. So what was the plan? I’d feel so horrible by missing a case that I’d re-evaluate my entire life, question the nature of truth and goodness and become Cameron?
Dr. Wilson: Something like that. More that if we’d told you the truth, that you’d solved it based on absolutely no medical proof, you’d think you were God, and I was worried your wings would melt.
Dr. House: God doesn’t limp.
Dr. Chase: How could I screw up a simple bleeding-time test?
Dr. Foreman: Maybe you were abducted - lost time.
Dr. House: [crosses fingers] Tell me he’s a mutant-human hybrid.
Dr. Cameron: Maybe he cheated.
Dr. Chase: Right, kids always cheat on their bleeding-time tests.
Dr. House: She was being metaphorical. She’s trying to sound like me. [turns to Cameron] I have no idea what you meant, but [raises eyebrow] I could smell what The Rock was cooking.
Dr. House: I need a laser pointer.
Dr. Cameron: We don’t have a laser pointer.
Dr. House: Well, why not? Who’s going to take us seriously if we don’t have a laser pointer?
Dr. House: Why do they bother putting age restrictions on these things when all you have to do is click “yes, I am 18″? Even a 17 year old can figure it out.
Dr. Cuddy: What’s going on with the leg?
Dr. House: First tell me what’s going on with the boobs.
Dr. Cuddy: If you’re feeling pain -
Dr. House: They’re firmer.
Dr. Cuddy: It’s called an underwire. I wanna get a PET scan of your brain.
Dr. House: I think it’s hormones.
Dr. Cuddy: As long as there’s no increased activity in the thalamus -
Dr. House: [out of the corner of his mouth] Looks to me like those puppies are going into the dairy business.
Dr. Cuddy: - then the pain can be good. It could mean muscle regenerating. After you workout you get sore. Pain doesn’t mean that it failed.
Dr. House: Guess I should be saying “mazel tov”. Who gets to pass out the cigars?
Dr. Cuddy: I’m not pregnant. I need to get a PET scan of your brain.
Dr. House: Is it a boy or a girl? You got a name picked out?
Dr. Cuddy: I’m not pregnant!
Dr. House: My leg doesn’t hurt.
Dr. Cuddy: You’re in denial.
Dr. House: No I’m not! [scoffs] You got me.
Dr. House: [pager goes off while Cuddy is talking to him] Gotta go. [starts leaving, and stumbles after a few steps]
[Cuddy rushes over to help him]
Dr. House: [stands up] Ha.
Dr. Wilson: You’re just like any other patient: running away from knowledge that won’t make you happy.
Dr. House: I’m as happy as a pig in poop.
Dr. Wilson: You’re scared the ketamine treatment’s wearing off. That it was just a torturous window to the good life.
Dr. House: What part of “poop” didn’t you understand?
Patient’s Mother: You’re talking about brain surgery.
Dr. House: I’m talking about really cool brain surgery.
Dr. House: Is this an intervention? You’re a little late, since I’m not using drugs anymore. I am, however, still hooked on phonics.
Dr. Cuddy: If you did your morning run and showered at home you’d be later than usual.
Dr. House: Thought of you in the shower.
Dr. Cuddy: How’s your leg? You seem to be favouring your left side.
Dr. House: It was hanging down my right pant leg yesterday, makes all the difference in the world.
Dr. House: Why don’t I have high-def in my office? I’m a department head.
Dr. House: Foreman, you gotta steal this thing for me!
Dr. Foreman: Oh, let me ring up one of the homies.
Dr. Chase: House! Clancy has gone missing!
Dr. House: Oh God! I’ll look on Alpha Centauri, you look on Tatooine, and Cameron can set up an intergalactic checkpoint. Let’s pray he hasn’t gone into hyperdrive - we’ll never catch him.
Patient’s Father: I thought you got it all!
Dr. Chase: Yeah, yell at me—that’ll fix the kid.
Dr. House: The results came back. The lab cannot identify the metal. Said it might not even be terrestrial.
Dr. Chase: Really?
Dr. House: No, you idiot. It’s titanium.
Dr. House: I know I get worked up when I cut microchip tracking implants out of my neck.
Dr. House: So it’s a UFO. Unidentified Flowing Orifice.
Dr. Cuddy: [about Cameron] She’s not nearly as delightful as she thinks she is.
Informed Consent (3.03)
[Cameron is staring at House at using his cane again]
Dr. House: What, my fly open?
Dr. House: Fresno, that’s in France, right? Did you see the Parthenon?
Dr. Chase: [speaking about the patient] It’s his call.
Dr. Foreman: So, what do we do? Put a plastic bag over his head and get it over with?
Dr. House: Come on, he’s old, sick, and tiny. We can do whatever we want to him.
Dr. Foreman: All that in 24 hours?
Dr. House: Nah, whatever you don’t get done you can finish at the autopsy.
Dr. House: [after his minions have worked all night] Wow, you guys look like crap. What do you got?
Dr. Chase: Purple dye on my fingers.
Dr. House: What did the bone marrow biopsy show?
Dr. Foreman: Don’t have the results.
Dr. House: What? What have you been doing all night?
Dr. Cameron: Jello shots and wild sex, what else?
Dr. House: Okay, next procedure: we sneak in, turn back the clock.
Powell: Dr. Chase said my calcium is normal.
Dr. House: We call him “Dr. Idiot”.
Powell: Are you a man of your word, or not?
Dr. House: No, as a matter of fact, I’m not.
Dr. House: Go, get to work. [turns away to look at MRI] Wait! [turns back and realizes no one has moved]
Dr. House: [to Cameron] You do know you can’t pierce me with your stares?
Dr. Cameron: I can’t do this. [leaves]
Dr. House: Drama Queen.
Dr. House: I thought you were only supposed to put on a pound a week during your last trimester.
Dr. Cuddy: I’m not pregnant.
Dr. House: Don’t go towards the light! You’ll fall and break your hip.
Dr. House: Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. [sticks his head under Powell’s sheet]
Dr. House: What’s the largest organ?
Dr. Chase: Skin.
Dr. House: We need to get a piece.
Dr. Foreman: Sure, we’ll just wait until he leaves his room without his skin, sneak in and take a piece.
Dr. Foreman: How the hell did you pull that out of your ass?
Dr. House: Wasn’t mine. I had a muse.
Dr. House: [to Cameron, after she put Powell out of his misery] I’m proud of you.
Lines in the Sand (3.04)
Dr. House: Do a stool sample to check for parasites, blood culture to rule out infection, and ANA for lupus.
Dr. Cameron: Because he screamed?
Dr. Chase: It could also be an environmental reaction… an allergy, dust, weed, pollen, something he ate…
Dr. House: Check the house and run a lung ventilation scan… the lungs are in the chest too, right?
Dr. Foreman: I had a date last night. She screamed. Should we spend $100,000 testing her?
Dr. House: Of course not… this isn’t a veterinary hospital. ZING!
Dr. House: Go up his rear and get a smear. Which reminds me, kinda feel like a bagel.
[Ali, House’s ’stalker’, has just left, but not before glancing over her shoulder at House and smiling. House turns to Cuddy]
Dr. House: After that look, I’m feeling frisky. Looks like you’re up.
Dr. Cuddy: I’m ovulating. Let’s go.
Dr. House: The frisky, it went away.
Dr. Cuddy: House, this isn’t a game.
[starts to walk away]
Dr. House: If I leave her alone, can I have my carpet back?
Dr. Cuddy: No.
Dr. House: If I give up my carpet, can I have her?
Dr. House: I want my old carpet back.
Dr. Cuddy: It was stained with blood.
Dr. House: Yeah. My blood. Which makes the carpet part of me. I want it back. I want to be buried with it.
Dr. Cuddy: You think you can get me to do anything you want, regardless of how stupid it is?
Dr. House: It’s my office! It’s where I work, where I think, where I save lives, allowing you to brag to rich people so they’ll give you more money to spend on MRI’s and low-cut tops.
Dr. Chase: It’s funny. You get a normal kid, the parent works. You get a special kid that costs more, you quit and turn the backyard into a therapy circuit.
Dr. Cameron: Yes, if only you were handicapped. All the good times you could have had with Dad.
Dr. House: Exactly when did New Jersey run out of horny 17 year-old boys?
Ali: About 5 weeks ago? It’s been very lonely.
Dr. House: [in a southern accent] Come on in, brothers and sister! Welcome to the house of the Lord!
Dr. Cameron: House, come on, the chapel?
Dr. House: We have been blessed with the miracle of a new symptom. Brother, can you testify as to why this poor child’s eyeball rolled back into his head?
Dr. Chase: It’s consistent with jimsonweed poisoning — ocular paralysis.
[a man sitting in the pew gets up and leaves]
Dr. Chase: [whispering] Sorry.
Dr. House: The wicked shall deceive ye, because they have turned from the Lord and are idiots. His ocular muscle didn’t paralyze. It pirouetted.
Dr. Cameron: MS…
Dr. House: It is easier for a wise man to gain access to heaven…
Dr. Cameron: Can you stop that? Just say not MS!
Dr. Foreman: Unless you have a better idea, I’m gonna go CT his head. And then, if — if I have to, remove his eye.
Dr. House: You remove this kid’s eye, he’s only gonna be half as good at not making eye contact.
Dr. Cuddy: I have sad news for you: She doesn’t love you.
Dr. House: You’re ugly when you’re jealous.
Dr. Cuddy: She showed up at my house last night—came on to me.
Dr. House: She’s even more perfect than I thought.
Dr. Cuddy: House. She’s sick.
[Cuddy sits down next to House]
Dr. House: You say “sick”, I say “freestylin’”.
Dr. Cuddy: The girl will have sex with an invertebrate.
Dr. House: Come on. You’re not that bad.
Dr. Cuddy: She has a problem. You’re not doing her any favors by indulging her.
Dr. House: Why would you lie like this? Do you not have room in your heart for love?
Dr. Cuddy: You don’t believe me.
Dr. House: I didn’t believe the kids when they said that Susie was sleeping with Johnny. I didn’t believe them then, I don’t believe them now. I don’t care that Susie married Johnny — he’s mine.
Dr. Cuddy: She has a mole on her right breast, just below the nipple.
Dr. House: No, she doesn’t.
Dr. Cuddy: You’ve seen her breasts?!
Dr. House: It was a medical exam. I was listening to her heart. It went “Greg-House, Greg-House, Greg-House”.
Dr. Cuddy: Fine, I’m lying. [she stands up] But she did come back. She’s locked up in my office. I was hoping you could talk to her. Put an end to this. [turns and leaves]
Dr. House Why can’t you be more like the other age-inappropriate girls who have a thing for me? Just accept me for me.
Dr. Cameron: Is it so wrong for them to want to have a normal child? It’s normal to want to be normal.
Dr. House: Spoken like a true circle queen. See, skinny, socially-privileged white people get to draw this neat little circle. And everyone inside the circle is “normal”. Anyone outside the circle needs to be beaten, broken and reset so that they can be brought into the circle. Failing that, they should be institutionalized. Or worse - Pitied.
Dr. Cameron: So it’s wrong to feel sorry for this little boy?
Dr. House: Why would you feel sorry for someone that gets to opt out of the inane courteous formalities which are utterly meaningless, insincere and therefore degrading? This kid doesn’t have to pretend to be interested in your back pain, your secretions or your grandma’s itchy place. Imagine how liberating it would be to live a life free of all the mind-numbing social niceties. I don’t pity this kid - I envy him.
Dr. Cameron: All change is bad. Not true you know.
Dr. House: [screaming at Cuddy in a crowded conference room} YOU CAN’T STOP OUR LOVE!
Dr. House: Listen to me. Do you have any idea what you’d have to look forward to if you stayed with me? Nine chances out of ten we’d end up in jail.
Ali: You’re only saying that to make me go.
Dr. House: I’m saying it ’cause it’s true. Inside of us we both know that you belong with Victor.
[Ali looks confused]
Dr. House: Is there a Victor in your class?
[Ali shakes her head]
Dr. House: If you’re not with someone your own age, you’ll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.
Ali: What about us?
Dr. House: We’ll always have Fresno. I’m no good at being noble, but it doesn’t take much to see that two little people don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Now now, here’s looking at you, kid.
Dr. House: [to Cameron, while high from anaesthesia] You have pretty hair.
[House bursts into operating room]
Dr. House: Hey! Don’t touch his eye!
Surgeon: This is an appendectomy.
Dr. House: [taken aback but unable to admit his error] Like I said, don’t touch his eye.
[Dr. Wilson enters Dr. Cuddy’s office with a book on his hands]
Dr. Wilson: I’m going to read you something. “Asperger Syndrome is a mild and rare form of autism. It’s typically characterized by difficulty establishing friendships and playing with peers, trouble accepting conventional social rules and they dislike any change in setting or routine.” Or broadloom. It doesn’t say that last part, but you get my point.
Dr. Cuddy: House doesn’t have Asperger’s. The diagnosis is much simpler, he’s a jerk.
Dr. House: Your first tongue kiss; that’s an eight in happiness scale… your child being snached back from the break of death it’s a ten; but they walk with a very mild 6.5 because they know what they comeback too…
Patient’s Dad: Hey, listen… Thank…
Patient’s Mom: You saved his life.
Dr. House: Yeah I know. See ya.
[Autistic patient walks by, then comes back, standing in front of House and handing him his PSP. He then makes direct-eye contact with House for several seconds. Patient’s parents congratulate him.]
Patient’s Dad: That was so cool.
Dr. House: …
Dr. Wilson: That was a 10.
Fools for Love (3.05)
Dr. House: If he’s not hitting that, why is she here?
Dr. Cameron: Because I’m hitting that, and it’s totally hot.
Dr. House: Infectious or environmental…all we have to do is check out parasites, viruses, bacteria, fungi, prions, radiation, toxins, chemicals, or it’s Internet porn related. I’ll check the Internet, you guys get the rest of the stuff.
Dr. House:There’s a reason we don’t let kids vote, or drink, or work in salt mines. They’re idiots! Twenty year olds fall in and out of love more often than they change their oil filters. Which they should do more often.
Dr. Foreman: Not sure I understand your ghetto slang, Dr. House. How many black women have you dated, by the way?
Dr. House: I don’t care about color, as long as they can help me breed a superior race.
Dr. Foreman: My exes have usually been black, so what? Its not a racial thing, its cultural. I have more in common with them, like, I assume you [Dr. House] only date emotionally stunted bigots.
Dr. Cuddy: Pay attention to me!
Dr. House: Sorry, that would make it harder to ignore you.
Dr. Wilson:Your real fear is me having a good relationship
Dr. House: Yes, it keeps me up at night. That and the Loch Ness Monster, global warming, evolution, other fictional concepts.
Dr. Chase: Cameron and Foreman are too ethical and I’m too scared of getting sued.
Michael Tritter: I don’t wanna sue you.
Dr. House: Good.
Michael Tritter: I want to beat the crap out of you.
Dr. House: Less good.
Dr. House: Dude. She’s in a coma. Who are you trying to impress?
Que Sera Sera (3.06)
Dr. House: Does Salma Hayek live in Mexico or Spain?
Dr. House: This conversation is over because I’ve officially run out of clever things to call the guy.
Dr. House: Kids these days. Got no respect for other people’s property.
[A patient has pain in his arm after he has slept on top of it all night. House suggests surgery.]
Patient: You want to remove my arm?
Dr. House: Well it is your left but a guy has got to sleep.
Patient: Are you INSANE?
Dr. House: [To Wilson] It’s probably her mom. I bet she’s huge. She is from the Midwest. Since when do you eat beets?
Dr. Foreman: [On George, the extremely obese patient] He wants to be discharged.
Dr. House: Oh right, places to go, people to eat.
Dr. Wilson: [About George] Selectively rational, stubborn, uncooperative. Maybe you should check his leg.
Dr. House: [Guffaws] Did you see what he did there? The patient’s like me! The patient’s… three mes!
Dr. House: You say “no way”, I say… [long pause] yeah, no way.
Dr. Wilson: From what I hear the patient reminds her of you, not me.
Dr. House: Cameron sees a clump of dirt and she thinks of me.
Dr. Wilson: Or a lump of something else.
Dr. House: Where’s Chase?
Dr. Cameron: Haven’t seen him since you told him to sit on his ass yesterday.
Dr. House: Interesting.
Son of Coma Guy (3.07)
Dr. Wilson: I’m curious..
Dr. House: [interrupting] No, you’re not!
Dr. Cuddy: : Put down the syringe.
Dr. House: : I can outdraw you, mysterious stranger.
Dr. Wilson: Why steal my pad?
Dr. House: [mockingly] Oh my God! You’re right! I’m an addict, thanks for opening my eyes!
Dr. Wilson: No, I mean why my pad. Foreman, Cameron, and Chase’s pads are just as convenient, but their association with you is involuntary. They’re employees. I associate with you through choice, and any relationship that involves choice, you have to see how far you can push before it breaks.
Dr. House: This is easy. You ask the questions, answer them, and make tasty snacks!
Dr. Wilson: And one day our friendship will break, and that will just prove your theory that relationships are conditional, and you don’t need human connection or deserve it or whatever goes on in that rat-maze of your brain.
Dr. House: [to patient] Sorry, if I had known he was going to be this annoying, I would have stolen Dr. Cameron’s pad and Dr. Foreman’s car. At least she appreciates my brooding melancholy.
Dr. House: [cellphone rings, he answers] House’s house of whining, state your complaint!
Dr. House: [explaining why he became a doctor] When I was 14, my father was stationed in Japan. I went rock climbing with this kid from school. He fell and got injured, and I had to bring him to the hospital. We came in through the wrong entrance, and passed this guy in the hall. He was a janitor. My friend came down with an infection, and the doctors didn’t know what to do. So they brought in the janitor. He was a doctor. And a Buraku - one of Japan’s untouchables. His ancestors had been slaughterers, gravediggers. And this guy knew that he wasn’t accepted by the staff, didn’t even try. He didn’t dress well. He didn’t pretend to be one of them. People around that place didn’t think he had anything they wanted, except when they needed him - because he was right, which meant that nothing else mattered. And they had to listen to him.
Gabe: I wouldn’t get to see him, even if we got in the car right now and broke the speed limit driving back, would I?
Dr. House: No.
Gabe: Tell him… [pauses, at a loss for words] I don’t know what to tell him. I don’t think it’s my turn to ask a question, is it?
Dr. House: I don’t think so, you just asked me that thing about the speed limit. What do you want to know?
Gabe: If you could hear one thing from your father, what would it be?
Dr. House: It wouldn’t help you.
Gabe: Try me.
Dr. House: I’d want him to say, “You were right. You did the right thing.”
Gabe: You were right. It didn’t help.
Dr. Wilson: I don’t think my enabling is something you should be complaining about.
Gabe: [whilst holding up an iPod to show to House and Wilson] What’s this? It says ipp-odd.
Dr. House: Quick! What’s the kid’s status? Gotta get back to our sleeper before he goes looking for the Orgasmatron.
Gabe: You know what? I didn’t let you come along so you could suck all the fun out of my one day of life.
Dr. House: Well, you’re out of luck, ’cause that’s totally why I’m here.
Dr. Wilson: If your son does have mercury poisoning, there’s a good chance he’ll respond to the chelation. You might be able to have a few minutes with him before you lapse…
Gabe: [turns around, upset] Why are you so concerned about me?
[Wilson gives up]
Dr. House: Deep inside, Wilson believes if he cares enough, he’ll never have to die.
Dr. Cameron: We’re all playing his game; might as well enjoy it.
Dr. Cuddy: You can’t lift your arm.
Dr. House: You can’t pee standing up.
Dr. Cameron: You okay?
Dr. House: Hurt my shoulder playing fantasy football.
Dr. House: He’s teaching prepubescent kids that truth matters, God doesn’t, and life sucks. I like him.
Dr. House: [to Cuddy] Okay, fine. I’ll father your child. But first you got to write me a Vicodin prescription. Just so that I can get through the foreplay.
Dr. House: [to patient’s little brother] Can I be your imaginary friend?
Dr. Cameron: Nice cane.
Dr. House: If I know what you mean.. [winks]
Finding Judas (3.09)
[House has been “targeting” Dr. Cuddy with a laser pointer]
Dr. Cuddy: I’m sitting in there hoping it’s a sniper because at least then the sociopath isn’t my employee.
Dr. House: This baby won me second place in the clinic weekly “weirdest thing pulled out of an orifice” contest.
Dr. Cuddy: I am this close to putting a new lab in oncology.
Dr. House: You do not want to know what came in first.
Dr. Cuddy: House…
Dr. House: Rhymes with “fucchini.”
Dr. House: But I hurt in an unreasonable way.
Dr. Cuddy: Then dip into your secret stash.
Dr. House: Tritter took it.
Dr. Cuddy: Then move on to your secret, secret stash.
Dr. House: I ran out.
Dr. Cuddy: Then move on to your secret, secret, secret stash!
Dr. Foreman: You hide drugs in a lupus textbook?
Dr. House: It’s never lupus.
Dr. House: I am a complete stranger who apparently cares more about your child than you do.
Edie: You’re Dr. House.
Dr. House: You’ve seen my stage show.
Edie: You’re the doctor, I’m the mother, I outrank you, live with it.
[at the court]
Judge: I’ve read the file. You’ve got fifteen minutes.
Dr. House: It’s people like this who killed Copernicus.
Dr. House: Either way.
Judge: And they just locked Galileo up.
Dr. House: They killed his spirit. Nobody likes a showoff. Luckily, Alice Hartmann has a dad who’s willing to see reason.
Judge: Reason as defined by slavishly deferring to you.
Dr. House: Their doctor.
Edie: Your Honor, I’ve had no opportunity to consult my attorney.
Dr. House: There’s no time.
Edie: All I want is a second opinion before —
Dr. House: No time!
Judge: Your testimony is their child will die if I don’t grant this motion right now.
Dr. House: Am I under oath?
Judge: Let’s say yes.
Dr. House: My testimony is that this child might die if you don’t grant this motion right now.
Judge: Literally no time for a second opinion.
Dr. House: Wouldn’t be as good as the first opinion.
Judge: Dr. Cuddy, what do you think?
Dr. House: She’s not a specialist in this area. Her opinion is worthless.
Judge: Dr. Cuddy, what do you think of Dr. House? Is he as big a jerk as I think he is?
Dr. Cuddy: Bigger. But he knows what he’s talking about.
[House is back at the court]
Dr. House: … Luckily, Alice Hartmann has a mom who is willing to see reason.
Judge: You were in here yesterday telling me her father’s guardianship was best for her.
Dr. House: I honestly figured I’d get a different judge today.
Judge: You agree with Dr. House now.
Edie: Now my kid actually is sick.
Rob: She was sick yesterday.
Edie: Her pediatrician doesn’t know what’s wrong with her, says Dr. House is the best.
Rob: She loses guardianship. All of a sudden, House is a hero. It’s got nothing to do with me deciding —
Judge: Hey, zip it! I’ve heard enough.
Dr. House: This lawyering thing is easy.
Judge: You shut up too. Arguing over every decision is a waste of her time and mine. Since her parents can’t or won’t agree, I’m awarding temporary guardianship to a doctor who will place the health of the child above all else.
Dr. Cuddy: I don’t think Dr. House is capable —
Judge: Dr. Cuddy.
Dr. Cuddy: Yes, Your Honor?
Judge: No, I was finishing my sentence. The kid’s all yours.
[Cuddy is in the shower with Alice in her arms, trying to cool her down. House opens the shower door]
Dr. Cuddy: Look at her arm.
[Cuddy shows House the patient’s left arm covered with a red rash]
Dr. House: I told you it was an infection.
Dr. Cuddy: We fixed the infection.
Dr. House: Well, apparently not. I asked you for broad-spectrum, you put her on the bare minimum. It’s a good thing you failed to become a mom because you suck at it!! [leaves]
Dr. Chase: Can we talk?
Dr. House: Nope.
Dr. Chase: I really think —
Dr. House: [interrupting] Either you screwed me and you want absolution, or you didn’t and you want applause. Either way I’m not interested.
[Cuddy is sitting alone on the sofa with her back to the window. Wilson knocks on the door]
Dr. Cuddy: Busy.
[Wilson walks in anyway]
Dr. Wilson: You okay?
Dr. Cuddy: Yeah, sure.
Dr. Wilson: Uh, what I meant by “are you okay?” is what the hell did House do?
Dr. Cuddy: Nothing.
Dr. Wilson: What did he say?
Dr. Cuddy: I’ve seen House be rude a thousand times, usually to achieve something. I have never seen him be mean just because he can.
Dr. Wilson: Seriously? What did he say?
Dr. Cuddy: Nothing. Doesn’t matter.
[Wilson sits down]
Dr. Wilson: Well, I’ve seen House be rude to you a thousand times, but I’ve never seen it get to you.
Dr. Cuddy: People think House has no inner censor. But the fact is he holds himself back, because when he wants to hurt, he knows just where to poke a sharp stick. I have been trying to get pregnant, and House knew. He told me I would fail as a mother.
Dr. Wilson: And you’re this upset because you think he’s right?
Dr. Cuddy: I’ve had three separate implantations. The first two never took. The last one I lost.
Dr. Wilson: I’m sorry. You didn’t fail. Those where physical events.
Dr. Cuddy: A little girl is… scared and in pain. I was awkward, terrified of doing the wrong thing.
Dr. Wilson: That’s normal. That’s —
Dr. Cuddy: [crying] I didn’t hug her. I didn’t even reach out and hold her hand. I told her it was gonna be okay.
Dr. Wilson: She needed reassurance.
Dr. Cuddy: I told her her folks might get back together. When I see people with their kids, it’s so natural. It’s like they have an instruction book imprinted on their genes. Maybe I just didn’t get a copy. Maybe my wanting to be a mother is like a tone-deaf person wanting to sing opera or a paraplegic who wants to —
Dr. Wilson: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Well, I see what you mean about House poking in the right spot.
[Cuddy chuckles wryly]
Dr. House: RIGHT! She’s SIX! She’s CUTE! She CAN’T have flesh-eating bacteria! It’s just WRONG! Let’s cure her with sunshine and puppies! Cute kids die to terrible illnesses! Innocent doctors go to jail! It’s because COWARDS like you won’t stand up and do what’s required! You can sit around and moan about who’s the bigger weakling, and I’m gonna’ do my job.
Dr. Cameron: Tritter released our bank accounts.
Dr. House: Horrible, horrible news. Boy, I’m glad we didn’t let that fester.
Dr. Wilson: [to Det. Tritter]: I’m going to need 30 pieces of silver.
Merry Little Christmas (3.10)
Det. Tritter: Merry Christmas.
Dr. House: And a Happy “Go to Hell.”
[walking into an examining room, where Dr. Cuddy is with two dwarves]
Dr. House: I just need to borrow her for a tiny moment. Small favor.
Dr. House: Look, there’s Jesus! Better go tell the Romans.
Dr. Cameron: What are you gonna do?
Dr. House: I thought I’d get your theories, mock them, then embrace my own. The usual.
[Dr. House is comparing Maddy to his cane]
Maddy: I’m 4′1″. That’s 1.5 canes in metric.
Dr. House: You don’t look a day over 4 feet. I saw in the file that her Dad was normal-sized.
Maddy: It’s average-sized.
Dr. House: Compared to you I’m sure it was huge. So did he have a fetish, or did he just fall in love with your long-legged soul?
Maddy: He grew up in the circus. Said I reminded him of home. Seems like you’re the one with the fetish.
Dr. House: I’m certainly curious about the logistics. Did you stand on a table?
Dr. Cameron: House!
Maddy: Pretty much he’d lay flat, and spin me.
Dr. House: She also hates Jews.
Maddy: I’ve dealt with worse. Being different, you get used to people’s idiocy. Still beats the hell out of actually being an idiot. What?
Dr. House: Care to go for a spin?
Dr. Foreman: We need to stop retracing our steps and get ahead of this thing.
Dr. Wilson: House, you’ve tanned.
Dr. House: Can we forget my vices and get back to my virtues?
Little Girl: Can I have a french fry?
Dr. House: Get your own!
Little Girl: You took the last ones.
Dr. House: What’s wrong with you?
Little Girl: I got spinal muscular atrophy.
Dr. House: At least it’s not contagious. Nice bear.
Little Girl: It’s a dog.
Dr. Cuddy: House. It’s not Still’s. Steroids helped until the patient started bleeding from the ears and mouth.
Dr. House: It’s a bear.
Little Girl: His name is Bill. He’s a dog.
Dr. Cuddy: You win [rattles bottle], you can have Vicodin.
Dr. House: Words have set meanings for a reason. If you see an animal like Bill and you try to play fetch, Bill’s going to eat you, because Bill’s a bear.
Dr. Cuddy: Are you on something? You got your hands on pain meds.
Little Girl: Bill has fur, four legs, and a collar. He’s a dog.
Dr. Cuddy: It’s between cancer and auto-immune.
Dr. House: You see, that’s what’s called a faulty syllogism; just because you call Bill a dog doesn’t mean that he is… a dog.
Dr. Wilson: Why aren’t you detoxing?
Dr. House: [takes a pill] Willpower.
Dr. Wilson: Wh… what?
Dr. House: Normal’s not normal, if you’re not normal.
Dr. Wilson: Did you just take a pill?
Dr. House: No.
Maddy: Are you high?
Dr. House: Higher than you.
Words and Deeds (3.11)
Dr. Cameron: House, I just heard that you apologized to Wilson.
Dr. House: Detoxing. I didn’t know what I was saying.
[Cameron hugs him]
Dr. House: Excuse me, I have to go to jail now.
Dr. House: When I lead the big patient rebellion, Voldemort here is the first to go.
Dr. House: I told you never to call me when I’m on trial.
Dr. House: If you called to see the design of my prison tats, they’re still at R&D.
Det. Tritter: Dr. Cuddy wouldn’t let me leave until I came up here and saw for myself.
Dr. House: Yeah. And so?
Det. Tritter: So I guess all that’s left is for me to go to the DA and drop all the charges.
Dr. House: Which you have no plan what so ever of doing?
Det. Tritter: No.
Dr. House: You son-of-a-bitch! What can I do to get you to drop the damn charges!
Det. Tritter: Nothing. People like you, even your actions lie.
Dr. Wilson: [Seeing House eagerly consuming his medication] That’s Vicodin. He’s been slipping you Vicodin.
Dr. House: No! He’d be risking his minimum wage job to do that.
Dr. Wilson: The whole time? Nothing’s changed?
Dr. House: Nothing’s changed.
Dr. Wilson: [Walking away in disbelief and then turning back] The apology. You didn’t need to do that to make this work.
Dr. House: [Smiling] Believe what you want.
One Day, One Room (3.12)
[House enters Cuddy’s office]
Dr. House: How can I help you this beautiful morning?
Dr. Cuddy: You got any cases?
Dr. House: Three. I got a teenage, African-American lung transplant –
Dr. Cuddy: [interrupts] For the next few days you’ll be doing nothing but clinic work.
Dr. House: I just said–
Dr. Cuddy: You’re lying!
Dr. House: Then why’d you ask?
Dr. Cuddy: Because if you told the truth, I was only gonna give you one day of clinic duty.
Dr. House: That’s dishonest. I refuse to participate in this —
Dr. Cuddy: [interrupts] You’ll do it. You owe me. I kept you out of jail. I can put you back.
[House turns and heads toward the door]
Dr. House: Perjurer.
Dr. Cuddy: Felon.
Dr. House: [after looking up the patient’s nose] It’s beautiful! If my lawn was half as well maintained as that, pigeons wouldn’t have the nerve to poop on it.
Patient: Good grooming is important.
Dr. House: Is that a shot?
Patient: People do judge you on your appearance. When you entered, I noted your shirt hadn’t been pressed and you hadn’t shaved in quite some time. I extracted that you were a person for whom detail is not a major concern. I was worried you might apply the same standard in your work.
Dr. House: You use toe-nail clippers up there?
Patient: They’re longer, so they allow me to better reach the upper hairs.
Dr. House: I am wearing a rumpled shirt, and I forgot to brush my hair this week. You’ve got athlete’s foot in your nose. I’m ready to be judged.
Dr. House: Start counting.
[The patient takes his pulse]
Dr. House: How many?
Dr. House: Either you suck at math, or you’re going to die in two seconds.
[A moment passes, and nothing happens]
Dr. House: You suck at math.
Dr. House: How old are you?
Dr. House: And you’ve never seen an after school special? Dawson’s Creek? How do you get to thirty and not know about condoms?
Patient: Oh, God, I-I have an STD.
Dr. House: No, but you will. Every person with an STD has something in common: They got it while they had SWS; “sex while stupid.”
Doctor: He swallowed a magnet. We gotta cut it out.
Dr. House: [to the kid] How old are you?
Dr. House: And he swallowed something stuck to a fridge. Darwin says “let him die”.
Eve: Abortion is murder.
Dr. House: True. It’s a life and you should end it.
Eve: Every life is sacred.
Dr. House: Come on. Talk to me. Don’t quote me bumper stickers.
Eve: It’s true.
Dr. House: It’s meaningless.
Eve: It means that every life matters to God.
Dr. House: Not to me. Not to you. Judging by the number of natural disasters, not to God either.
Dr. House: We are selfish-based animals crawling across the earth, but ’cause we’ve got brains, if we try really hard, we can usually aspire to something that is less than pure evil.
Dr. Wilson: She’s waiting for your answer?
Dr. House: She’s asleep. … I sedated her.
Dr. Wilson: Why do you care what you say to her?
Dr. House: Because! I don’t know how to answer these questions!
Dr. Wilson: It’s a simple question. Has your life sucked? Tell her the truth. Tell her you were shot, tell her -
Dr. House: She doesn’t want to hear the truth. She’s looking for something. Looking to extrapolate some -
Dr. Wilson: She’s looking to connect with you. And that’s what’s scaring the hell out of you. Tell her the truth.
Dr. House: There is no truth.
Dr. Wilson: … Are we roleplaying? Am I you!? I don’t want to be you!
Dr. Chase: Tell her… Tell her… Keep her asleep.
Dr. House: They’re out there, doctors, lawyers, postal workers, some of them doing great, some of them doing lousy. Are you going to base your whole life on who you’re stuck in a room with?
Eve: I’m gonna base this moment on who I am stuck in a room with! It’s what life is, it’s a series of rooms, and who we get stuck in those rooms with, adds up to what our lives are.
Dr. House [to several patients during clinic hours]: You’ve never seen an after school special? Dawson’s Creek? How do you get to thirty and not know about condoms?
Dr. House: If we were to care about every person suffering on this planet, life would shut down.
Pharmacist: I have the sedative.
Dr. Cuddy: A little late.
Dr. House: Just in time.
Dr. Cuddy: What did you give him?
Dr. House: Paralytic.
Dr. Cuddy: Why would you do that?!
Dr. House: Somebody had to stop the screaming.
Dr. Cuddy: Then he is still in pain.
Dr. House: Yeah, but quietly.
Dr. House: Why did you choose me?
Eve: There’s something about you. It’s like you’re hurt too…
Needle in a Haystack (3.13)
Dr. House: [sitting in a wheelchair] My will may be weak, but my backbone is strong. And pain-free, now that I’ve stopped using the cane. Of course it’s harder to look down Cuddy’s shirt, but then the vantage point on her ass has much improved. But that’s just me: Always looking on the bright side. I’m the guy who said her C-cups are half-full.
Dr. Julie Whitner: They are nice, aren’t they?
[House slowly starts to grin]
Dr. House: No, no, no, no, no… you’re not gonna win me over that easily.
Dr. Wilson: Ah yes, if it isn’t Dr. Ironside.
Dr. House: Ah, if it isn’t Dr. “I had no friends when I was growing up, so all I did was watch TV by myself which is why I can now make pop cultural references which no one understands but me.”
Dr. Wilson: That’s my name, don’t wear it out.
Dr. House: Foreman. Your girlfriend wants to know if you’re available for Valentine’s. Act surprised. What are you doing down here?
Dr. Foreman: There’s a snowstorm. ER’s short staffed. We’re all supposed to be here. You’re supposed to be here. And you’re an ass. Act surprised.
Dr. House: What’s your name?
Hannah: Hannah Morganthal.
Dr. House: You have CIPA, Hannah Morganthal.
Hannah: No, I don’t.
Dr. House: We have to do x-rays to make sure you don’t have internal injuries. Blood tests to make sure no infections. EEG for neurological anomalies. And… biopsy a spinal nerve.
Dr. Foreman: Whoa whoa whoa. Congenital insensitivity to pain is one of the rarest conditions on the planet. There’s only been about… sixty documented cases —
Dr. House: Yeah, and I have… seven reasons to think she’s one of them.
Dr. Foreman: She says she’s not.
Dr. House: That’s reason number one. She knew what it was without us telling her. Two, she’s still wet from the snow, but she’s not shivering. That’s odd. Unless she can’t sweat or feel hot and cold.
Hannah: The ambulance was warm. I want to see my mother.
Dr. House: Three, scarring around the lips and tongue. When she was a baby, she would chew on herself without feeling it.
Hannah: I fell through a window when I was a kid.
Dr. House: Four, when you cleaned the wound, she flexed into the cleaner instead of away from it. It’s hard to fake pain when you’ve never felt it. Takes an imaginative leap, Ms. Morganthal. That’s one of them Jew names. Ashkenazis are a higher risk group.
Dr. Foreman: One the other hand, she says she doesn’t have it. And she’d be dead by now if she’d never been diagnosed.
Dr. House: They killed our Lord. You gonna trust them? She wants to see her mom. If she admits having CIPA, she knows we’re not letting her go anywhere without a battery of tests.
Dr. Foreman: You said you had seven reasons.
Dr. House: I pulled a number out of the air. What, five isn’t enough?
Dr. Foreman: Five lame reasons aren’t. [turns away] I’m taking her to see her mom as soon as —
[House suddenly hits Hannah’s good leg with his cane, but Hannah doesn’t move]
Dr. House: I can hit her again if six isn’t enough.
Dr. House: [to Cuddy] You could have left the scarf at home and just told him you’d be wearing a look of desperation.
Hannah: I wanna see my mother!
Dr. House: Hi again. Not sure I can say this without sounding condescending, but then you’d get the false impression that I respect you, so… you’re a kid. You’re scared, you’re stalling. Grow up.
Hannah: I’m not scared. I’m never scared.
Dr. House: See? How juvenile was that? You can’t feel pain - nothing left but pleasure. Why don’t you tell me how wonderful that is!
Hannah: It sucks.
Dr. House: Better than being in pain all the time. Get in the chair!
[Hannah stays on the floor, House gets a syringe]
Hannah: Every morning I have to check my eyes to make sure I didn’t scratch a cornea in my sleep.
Dr. House: Oh god, stop! I’m in a pool of tears here.
Hannah: I can’t cry.
Dr. House: Neither can I. Every morning I check my eyes for jaundice to see if the Vicodin finally shot my liver.
Hannah: I can’t run anywhere without examining all my toes for swelling.
Dr. House: I can’t run.
Hannah: Boys can’t hold me for too long because I can overheat.
Dr. House: Girls can’t hold me for too long because I only pay for an hour.
Hannah: I need an alarm on my watch to remind me to go to the bathroom. Do you know how many humiliating experiences before I thought of that?
Dr. House: Bathroom’s 50 feet from my office. For every drink of water I weigh the pros and cons.
Hannah: After everything I do, I self-check: Mouth, tongue, gums for cuts, count teeth, check temperature, toes and joints for swelling, skin for bruises…
Dr. House: I got shot.
[Hannah pauses, Cameron and Chase exchange looks]
Hannah: I sat on a stove when I was three. Wanna see the coil marks?
Dr. House: Yeah.
Hannah: Do you think I’m lying?
Dr. House: Do you think I just wanna check out your tucus, as your people would say?
[Hannah gets up and lifts her gown, House gives her an injection, she becomes unconscious]
Dr. House: Put her in the chair and run the damn test. If she moves again, give her nitrous.
[House turns to leave, but Cameron intercepts him]
Dr. Cameron: You weren’t shot because of leg pain, you were shot because you’re a jerk!
Dr. House: Some think the two are connected.
Dr. Foreman: Any word from House?
Dr. Cameron: No.
Dr. Foreman: Maybe Cuddy will say no.
Dr. Chase: Cuddy never says no.
Dr. Cameron: That’s not true.
Dr. Chase: Nobody ever says no - we don’t say no!
Dr. Foreman: You don’t say no.
Dr. Chase: He’ll come back, he’ll browbeat us, he’ll give us seven reasons and eventually we’ll fold. We all will. Not just me.
Dr. Wilson: I am so tired of this. Did you know that the new nurse from Cardiology is sleeping with that weird lawyer from the Board?
Dr. House: The guy with eleven fingers?
Dr. Wilson: He has eleven fingers?
Dr. House: How do you not notice that?
Dr. Wilson: The nurse used to be a man.
Dr. House: She’s not anymore?
Dr. Wilson: But we can’t talk about that.
Dr. House: I thought we were.
Dr. Wilson: We were supposed to talk about that. I came here to talk about that. But on the way up, I ran into Cameron. You’ve got a CIPA patient.
Dr. House: Mmm. Tranny nurse is more interesting.
Dr. Wilson: Oh, it’s way more interesting. But instead, I’ve gotta be your damn conscience. I’m tired of being your conscience. I don’t enjoy being your conscience.
Dr. House: No one enjoys…
Dr. Wilson: You’re studying her.
Dr. House: She’s actually sick.
Dr. Wilson: Which you found out after you took her on.
Dr. House: I was curious. Since I’m not a cat, that’s not dangerous.
Dr. Wilson: I don’t think that metaphor was actually designed to warn cats.
[Dr. Foreman runs into Dr. House’s office]
Dr. House: What did the test results say?
Dr. Foreman: Never did it.
Dr. House: Well then do it.
Dr. Foreman: Can’t.
Dr. House: Why?
Dr. Foreman: She’s gonna jump off the lobby balcony!
Dr. House: Do you think I can catch her?
[Foreman looks shocked]
[House knocks on Cuddy’s front door after she’s been on a date]
Dr. Cuddy: No…
Dr. House: Need a consult.
Dr. Cuddy: I already okayed your nerve biopsy.
Dr. House: Need an endocrinologist.
Dr. Cuddy: Bennett’s on call.
Dr. House: Won’t pick up. His cell phone must be broken.
Dr. Cuddy: Mine’s working.
Dr. House: Had to give you the file.
[He gives her the file. She looks at it]
Dr. Cuddy: I assume you’re thinking thyroid storm. Have you done a hormone panel?
Dr. House: Normal. TSH was on the low side. Is that a cheery fire I hear crackling nearby?
Dr. Cuddy: No. What about CPK enzymes?
Dr. House: Elevated. 275. People light fires for themselves. But then they don’t deny it. He’s here.
Dr. Cuddy: CPK isn’t high enough. Potassium’s what you’d expect because of the bronchodilators.
Dr. House: Oh, my God! You’re not wearing a bra.
Dr. Cuddy: It’s not thyroid storm.
Dr. House: You just met him.
Dr. Cuddy: I like him. And I like sex. Do I need to stitch a letter on my tops?
Dr. House: No. But it might be worth taking out an ad in the local papers.
[Cuddy glances back inside the house, then takes a step outside]
Dr. Cuddy: Do you like me, House? [pause] I was on the phone with Bennett fifteen minutes ago. His cell phone’s working. Your MO is to avoid me at all costs. And suddenly, you need my input on every move you make. I can only assume it’s because I’m on a date.
Dr. House: When we met, I noticed-
Dr. Cuddy: [interrupts] You noticed he was a Shriner because the way he parted his hair. You noticed he was a mama’s boy because of the way he blinked his left eye. I’m not interested. I’m not impressed. There are only two reasons anyone would want to screw with me tonight. Either they’re an altruistic, decent person who is worried about my well being… or they want me for themself.
Dr. House: You left out the third option. Evil bastard who just wants to mess with other people’s happiness.
Dr. Cuddy: Good night, House.
[she closes the door]
Dr. Foreman: [to Cameron] People who avoid commitment are people who know what a big thing it is.
[continuation of an earlier conversation]
Dr. House: So it turns out… the weird lawyer… knew that she used to be a man.
Dr. Wilson: And he’s cool with that?
Dr. House: Turns out that his previous girlfriend also used to be a man.
Dr. Wilson: Ho-ho!
Dr. House: Yeah.
Dr. Cameron: So I’m thinking we should have sex.
Dr. Chase: [confused] That makes sense.
Dr. Cameron: Despite the wisdom of pop songs there’s no point in putting our lives on hold until love comes along. We’re both healthy and busy people, and we work together so it’s convenient.
Dr. Chase: Like microwave pizza?
Dr. Cameron: And of all the people I work with you’re the one I’m least likely to fall in love with.
Dr. Chase: Like microwave pizza.
Dr. Cameron: The point here is to make things simpler, not more complicated. Some day there’ll be a time to get serious about someone. Meanwhile, we’ve already had sex once and didn’t get weird about it, so…
Dr. Chase: I get it, I get it. So, what if I’m offended by your judgment?
Dr. Cameron: Then you’re not the man I’m looking for.
[Cameron walks away. Chase shakes his head, then follows her, grinning]
Half Wit (3.15)
Dr. House: [to Cameron and Chase] You two shower together?
Dr. Cameron/Dr. Chase: [together] No!
Dr. House: Double negative - it’s a yes.
[Patrick is a musical savant and is currently in an MRI. House is trying to get his mind to work the way it does when he plays piano so he can observe the activity in it.]
Dr. House: Patrick, I want you to pretend that your leg is a piano.
Patrick: My leg’s not a piano.
Dr. House: I know, that’s why I said pretend. [aside to Foreman] Kid’s a moron!
[Cameron walks in House’s office with an envelope on her hand]
Dr. House: You come for my feelings? ‘Cause I left them in my other pants.
[Cameron takes the paper out of the envelope and holds it out]
Dr. Cameron: This is a letter of recommendation. I’m applying for a job at Penn.
Dr. House: Thank you for writing your own. I’m sure my thoughts are beautifully phrased.
[House signs the letter]
Dr. Cameron: Thank you for signing it. Saves me having to fake your signature.
[he gives the letter back to her and sits back in his chair as she puts the letter back in the envelope]
Dr. House: Stay away from Weiss. He cries with his patients. Holds their hands as they die. He won’t like you. Your newfound nonchalance in the face of cancer.
[Cameron stops and looks at House]
Dr. Cameron: I thought you’d find it appealing.
Dr. House: Twenty seconds. Pretty good.
Dr. Cameron: For what?
Dr. House: Time it took you to go from hard-ass to human being.
[House gets up]
Dr. House: You really wanna leave?
Dr. Cameron: If you’re not here, there’s not much point in staying.
Dr. House: I’m not dead yet.
[Cameron steps closer to House]
Dr. House: What are you doing?
[she gets up close to him]
Dr. House: I know this must be a turn-on for you.
[Cameron kisses him. House rolls his eyes, then he kisses her back. She puts her hand in her pocket, but House grabs it and lifts it, showing a syringe she’s holding]
Dr. House: Little whorish to kiss and stab.
Dr. Cameron: You kissed back.
Dr. House: I didn’t want you to die without knowing the feeling. Actually, no woman should die without knowing the feeling.
Dr. House:[Cameron starts to leave] If you need a sperm sample, come back without the needle.
Dr. House: Dude can’t button his shirt. How much more damage we’re really talking about?
Dr. House: Do you like your life?
Patrick: What life?
Dr. House: Your life. Playing the piano, going on tour. Scoring girls left and right.
Patrick: I don’t like girls.
Dr. House: Boys. Whatever gets you off.
Patrick: I like the piano!
[Chase walks in House’s office]
Dr. House: Your turn?
Dr. Chase: Do you have to do that?
Dr. House: You mean cheapen everyone’s attempt at a human moment by identifying the real calculations that go into it?
Dr. Chase: Yeah.
Dr. House: Yeah, I do.
Dr. Chase: I’m sorry you’re dying. I’m gonna hug you. Anything to say?
Dr. House: Well, if you’re considering grabbing my ass, don’t start anything —
[Chase hugs House]
Dr. House: — you can’t finish. [pause] Well, as long as we’re just standing here, do you mind if we work? How’s the kid’s treatment going?
[Chase is quiet]
Dr. House: Are you crying?
Dr. Chase: No.
Dr. Cuddy: I’m so sorry.
Dr. House: Forgot I was dying, huh?
Dr. Cuddy: I’m here if you need me.
Dr. House: I need you.
[Cuddy smiles and hugs him, and House takes the opportunity and puts his hands on her ass]
Dr. House: One small feel for man… one giant ass for mankind.
Dr. Cuddy: Thanks. Good luck in Boston.
[Cuddy turns and heads back to her bedroom, and House follows her]
Dr. Cuddy: Call the Make-a-Wish Foundation.
[he turns around and heads for the door]
Dr. Foreman: [to House] We just told you you’re not going to die! You should be making out with Cameron!
Dr. House: It was an outpatient procedure. I was curious.
Dr. Wilson: Are you curious about heroin?
Dr. House: Not since last year’s Christmas party.
Top Secret (3.16)
Dr. House: I can play the harmonica with my nose, make a penny come out of a child’s ear - or any other orifice for that matter - and given the right circumstances bring two women to simultaneous ecstasy.
Dr. Wilson: The right circumstances being their agreement to bill you on the same credit card.
Dr. Wilson: I’m guessing you’re longing for either a renewed relationship with your dad… or a new relationship with one of the Village People.
Dr. House: He was in the Navy, not the Marines.
Dr. Wilson: I thought your dad was in the Marines.
Dr. House: The guy in the Village People.
Dr. Wilson: Actually, he’s only in the Navy when they sing “In the Navy”. The rest of the time, he’s just in generic fatigues.
[House looks at him]
Dr. Wilson: What? You brought it up.
Dr. Cameron: Why is he here instead of the VA?
Dr. House: Because he has a rich uncle Cuddy’s trying to avoid fellating who doesn’t buy the VA’s diagnosis of “nothing’s wrong-atosis.”
Dr. House: Do a full physical. Recheck his blood for HIV, hep C, malaria, schistosomiasis, and T strain A. baumannii just to make sure the VA’s dotted their I’s. And find out every hospital and clinic he’s ever visited, every city he’s ever lived in, and… whether he’s ever been on TV.
Dr. Cameron: TV?
Dr. House: Problem could be neurological. Everyone knows TV rots your brain.
Dr. House: …And you [he points to Cameron] call [the patient’s] uncle back. Find out if he ever brought his nephew to any hospital parties or fundraisers.
Dr. Cameron: No. Not until you give me a reason.
Dr. House: Because… I’m your boss?
Dr. Cameron: A rational reason, or at least admit that you don’t have one.
Dr. House: I’ve got a full bladder, and I’m not afraid to use it.
Dr. Cameron: But you are apparently afraid of discovering something you can’t rationally explain–
Dr. House: Shut up! [Cameron looks shocked] Do what you’re told! Cuddy and Wilson may not have to listen to me, but you do. [He leaves the room]
Dr. Cameron: [to Chase] What the hell was that all about?
Dr. Chase: You were wrong about the “nothing’s wrong-atosis”. You can fake fatigue and joint pain but you can’t fake bacterial vaginosis in your mouth.
Dr. House: Get to the truth about who he’s been dating. There’s no way a Marine goes a year without getting any blood on his bayonette.
Dr. Cameron: We confess. You caught us. We snuck into one of the sleep lab rooms to have sex. We shouldn’t have done it while we were supposed to be working, and we’re sorry. Now can we move on?
Dr. Foreman: House’ll do Wilson before you’d do Chase.
Dr. Cameron: No, you would do House and Wilson before I do Chase. Now can we get back to work?
Dr. Chase: She did me once!
Dr. Foreman: She was stoned!
Dr. House: I need a prescription.
Dr. Wilson: I just wrote you a prescription.
Dr. House: For Vicodin. I need alfuzosin.
Dr. Wilson: No, you don’t. Have you figured out where you met your Marine?
Dr. House: What? Oh, that. Haven’t really thought about it. I can’t pee.
Dr. Wilson: You can’t remember him, can you?
Dr. House: I can’t pee.
Dr. Wilson: So stop taking the Vicodin.
Dr. House: I wanna pee and not be in pain.
Dr. Wilson: Why don’t you go to sleep?
Dr. House: I don’t pee when I’m asleep.
Dr. Wilson: Maybe you’ll dream about him again. Maybe he’ll give you an address.
Dr. House: I haven’t peed in three days.
Dr. Wilson: [ignoring] I read that REM sleep is the brain’s way of working out problems.
Dr. House: Very useful. Did you hear what I just said?
Dr. Wilson: Yeah, you lied because you want to avoid talking about your obsession.
Dr. House: I’m not obsessing.
Dr. Wilson: Why don’t you just ask him?
Dr. House: [shouts] I haven’t peed in three days!
Dr. Wilson: You’d be dead.
Dr. House: I’m not counting intermittent drips.
Dr. Wilson: You’d be in agony.
Dr. House: I passed agony yesterday around four.
[House takes more Vicodin pills; Wilson sighs and writes a prescription for House]
Dr. House: [to a deaf patient in critical situation] John, John! We are going to figure out what is wrong with you. First we need to know one thing: Have you ever appeared in any pornos?
Dr. House: [while urine is spilling onto the floor out of a bag attached to House’s leg] It’s a urine catheter collection bag with a rip in it, what the hell does it look like?
Dr. House: I’ve been thinking about you. You lied.
Dr. Cuddy: I didn’t lie. I simply chose not to share completely irrelevant facts.
Dr. House: Like the fact that you lied. No wonder I couldn’t place his face. You were practically swallowing it on the dance floor.
Dr. Cuddy: I was not.
Dr. House: Talk about the cool uncle. He donates the money, and the nephew gets the write-off. And, of course, by write-off, I mean he gets to put your ankles —
[Cuddy taps him on his chest]
Dr. Cuddy: [interrupting] This is exactly why I didn’t mention our one date over two years ago.
Dr. House: Because of my T-shirt.
[she pulls House to the side]
Dr. Cuddy: Because you are an obnoxious ass. Because you would have spent the whole time —
Dr. House: That’s very smart. ‘Cause this way, I spent my whole time completely focused on the patient.
Dr. Cuddy: How did you even remember him? We were only at that party for, like, ten minutes.
Dr. House: Is this some new health plan? You service the Dean of Medicine, and you get free health care for a year?
Dr. House: Why are you smiling?
Dr. Cuddy: You remembered him because he made out with me.
Dr. House: I’m good with faces. So, this plan, is it open to anyone? Is there a co-pay?
Dr. Cuddy: You’re lousy with faces.
Dr. House: Don’t make this about me. This is your humiliation. So how much for private room coverage?
Dr. Cuddy: Get over me.
Dr. House: Give me a break! You hired me —
Dr. Cuddy: — ’cause you’re a good doctor who couldn’t get himself hired at a blood bank so I got you cheap.
Dr. House: You gave me everything I asked for because one night I gave you everything y —
Dr. Cuddy: Stop staring at my ass when I’m not looking, showing up at restaurants where I happen to be on a date and fantasizing about me in the shower. That ship sailed long ago, House. Get over it. [turns around and walks away]
Dr. House: If you’re still referring to your ass, I think “that super-tanker sailed” would be a more precise metaphor.
[Cuddy turns back at House and laughs, while he smiles conspicuously and retreats back into his office]
[Chase and Cameron are making out in the supply room as the door opens and House turns the lights on, carrying some file folders. He looks around, then walks right between them]
Dr. House: Sorry. I was looking for an extra-large trash can.
[he dumps the file folders in the trash bin, turns and leaves the closet, closing the door behind him]
Dr. Chase: Since when does he clean anything up?
Fetal Position (3.17)
Dr. House: Mom’s body is like…the intricate German metro system. All the trains run on time. She gets pregnant, it’s like…a new station opening in Düsseldorf. A bunch of rookies running things. Bound to be mistakes. Kids play on the tracks and get electrocuted, and before you know it, trains are backed up all the way to Berlin and you got a bunch of angry Germans with nowhere to go. And we all know that ain’t good for the Jews…
Dr. Chase: Ah…who are the Jews in this metaphor?
Dr. Cameron: I’ve read the outcome of mirror syndrome is almost always unfavorable.
Dr. House: Unfavorable… is that doctor-speak for “dead baby”?
Dr. Cuddy: You want to paralyze Emma Sloan’s baby?
Dr. House: Lemme guess…Cameron.
Dr. Cuddy: Cameron and Chase both had their concerns.
Dr. House: No, Cameron had concerns. Chase just agreed with her because he didn’t want to lose his all-access pass to her love rug.
Dr. Cuddy: They’re sleeping together?
Dr. House: If by sleeping together you mean having sex in the janitor’s closet…
Dr. Cuddy: Here?
Dr. House: No, the janitor’s closet at the local high school. Go Tigercats! Do you have one of those camera phones? ‘Cause I got a mySpace account.
Dr. Cuddy: I will deal with them after I deal with you.
Dr. House: Oh c’mon… let’s gossip some more. I’m sure she’s into bondage.
[Foreman, Cameron, and Chase are examining a photo of House taken by Emma]
Dr. Foreman: This is definitely different.
Dr. Chase: It looks almost like…
Dr. Cameron: …he’s caring.
[House is about to inject a fetus with a paralytic]
Dr. Cuddy: The baby won’t feel a thing.
Dr. House: Fetus. I’m lowering expectations. It works here and on dates.
Dr. Cuddy: Dr. Cameron. Dating Chase… can only end in one of two ways.
Dr. Cameron: House told you?
Dr. Cuddy: You get married and live happily ever after, or somebody gets hurt and you two can’t work together, and I have to fire somebody.
Dr. Cameron: I would hate to see my personal life become such a burden to you.
Dr. Cuddy: I’m telling you this for your own good.
Dr. Cameron: Well, I assume you’re gonna have this same conversation with Chase for his own good.
Dr. Cuddy: Chase isn’t the one that’s gonna get hurt here.
Dr. Cameron: [through the hyperbaric chamber’s phone] My social life is my social life.
Dr. House: Couldn’t agree more. What goes on in the privacy of a janitor’s closet is nobody’s business except —
Dr. Cameron: She [Cuddy] told me to end it. Is that what you want?
Dr. House: I was actually hoping she’d fire one of you.
Dr. Cuddy: What are you doing?
Dr. House: Well, you’re trying to be me, so I thought I’d try to be you.
Dr. Cuddy: You don’t have the cleavage for it.
Dr. House: But I have a much tighter ass.
Dr. Cameron: Anybody gonna stop her [Cuddy]?
Dr. Chase: Stopping the madness is her job.
Dr. Foreman: Somebody’s gotta be Cuddy’s Cuddy.
Dr. Cuddy: Did you give corticosteroids to speed the baby’s lung development?
Dr. House: No, I dropped an anvil on its chest to prevent lung development! I’m trying to extinguish the human race one fetus at a time.
[a fetus’ hand grabs House’s finger and he stares at it]
Dr. Cuddy: House.
[House looks at Cuddy]
Dr. House: Sorry. I just realized I forgot to TiVo “Alien”.
Crying girl: I want my blankie! I want my blankie! I want my blankie! I want my blankie!
Dr. House [on a wheelchair] Antique vintner’s cane. It cost me $900.
Dr. Cuddy: It had a corkscrew in it.
Dr. House: Ah, that would explain the “vintner’s” reference.
Dr. Cuddy: Could be used as a weapon against the pilot.
Dr. House: Only if you stuck it in a bottle of Zinfandel.
Dr. Cuddy: You’ll get it back when we land.
Crying girl: I want my blankie! I want my blankie!
Dr. House: [to the mother] Give her 20 milligrams of antihistamine, it could save her life. ‘Cause if she doesn’t shut up, I’ll kill her.
Dr. Cuddy: The room service thing was just spiteful.
Dr. House: I was hungry.
Dr. Cuddy: $300 for a bottle of wine.
Dr. House: I was thirsty.
Dr. Cuddy: $120 on video services.
Dr. House: I was lonely.
Dr. Cuddy: That’s $500 in expenses I can’t justify.
Dr. House: Don’t worry. I’ll take care of it.
Dr. Cuddy: Right.
[they arrive at the first class cabin of the plane, where House gives his ticket to a stewardess]
Stewardess: Welcome aboard, Mr. House, you’re right here in 2A.
[House sits on his place, while the stewardess checks Cuddy’s ticket]
Stewardess: Ms. Cuddy, you’re in the next cabin and to the left, 9C.
Dr. Cuddy: No, I booked two first-class tickets. This must be a mistake.
Dr. House: No mistake. Just arranged for a $500 fare reduction. Expense problem solved.
[Cuddy sighs and goes to the next cabin]
[House is simulating the conditions back at the hospital to help him make a diagnosis]
Dr. House: [pointing at boy] Can you say… [Australian accent] ‘Crikey, mate’?
Kid: Crikey, mate.
Dr. House: Perfect. No matter what I say, you agree with me, okay?
Dr. House: Nicely done… You, disagree with everything I say.
Indian man: Sorry, not understanding.
Dr. House: That’s close enough. And you, get morally outraged with everything I say.
Woman: [disgusted] That’s permanent marker, you know.
Dr. House: Wow, you guys are good.
Dr. House: Nobody speak Korean on this flight?
Dr. Cuddy: I assumed you did.
Dr. House: I know how to ask if his sister is over eighteen, I don’t think that’s gonna help.
Dr. House: You’re pregnant.
Girl: I’m what?
Dr. House: Explains the nausea, abdominal pains, fever. And why you’re stuffing your 36C’s into a 34C bra.
Dr. Cuddy: And her rash?
Dr. House: PUPPPs. A common pregnancy rash.
Girl: I can’t be pregnant.
Dr. House: You a virgin?
Girl: No, but—
Dr. House: You’re pregnant. Mazel Tov.
Dr. House: Happens often in high anxiety situation, especially to women. I know it sounds sexist, but science says you’re weak and soft. What can I do?
Dr. Cuddy: What about syphilis?
Dr. House: Well, first of all, he apparently speaks a language that no one else speaks, which makes talking up the ladies a little rough.
Dr. Cuddy: We’re flying out of Singapore. If he had a credit card and a condom, he could get anything he wants!
Dr. Cameron: Nice catch.
Dr. Chase: Thanks.
Dr. Cameron: Think even House would be impressed.
Dr. Chase: I don’t know about that.
Dr. Cameron: Any idea how you want to celebrate?
[she smiles at him, however he doesn’t smile back]
Dr. Cameron: What?
Dr. Chase: I want more.
Dr. Cameron: I thought you were getting a little worn out, but—
Dr. Chase: That’s not what I meant.
Dr. Cameron: I know. I was just hoping you’d take the hint and pretend you never said that.
Dr. Chase: I want this to be more than it is.
Dr. Cameron: I thought we were clear.
Dr. Chase: In the beginning, but you can’t tell me you—
Dr. Cameron: [interrupting] Yes, I can. And I don’t. It was… fun. That’s it. And now it’s over.
Act Your Age (3.19)
Dr. House: Panty hamster get a spin on its wheel?
Dr. House: Do you want the tickets or not?
Dr. Wilson: Why don’t you want to go with me?
Dr. House: It’s a play. Dudes only go to plays if they’re dragged by women they’re hoping to see naked.
Dr. Wilson: So why are you giving them to me?
Dr. House: Maybe there’s someone you want to see naked.
Dr. House: You’re trying to have sex with Cuddy.
Dr. Wilson: [eating] …Fries?
Dr. House: You took her to a play; you only take women to plays because…
Dr. Wilson: No, you only take women to plays for that reason.
Dr. House: Okay, then why did you take her to a play?
Dr. Wilson: She’s a friend.
Dr. House: A friend with a squish-mitten.
Dr. Wilson: It is possible to have a friend of the opposite sex without…
Dr. House: Blasphemer! She’s not a friend of the opposite sex, she’s a different species; she’s an administrator, she’s gonna eat your head after she’s done.
Dr. Wilson: Yes, I slept with her.
Dr. House: [Mouth open in disbelief] Seriously?
Dr. Wilson: No.
Dr. House: [Trying to catch Wilson lying] Yes you did.
Dr. Wilson: [Quietly] Yes, I did.
Dr. House: Seriously?
Dr. Wilson: No. You’ve got a problem, House.
Dr. House: Never is just ‘reven’ spelled backwards.
Dr. House: [to a patient with shy bladder syndrome] I’m going to ask you for some blood.
Male Patient: Why?!
Dr. House: To see if your answer will be “I can’t bleed in public.”
Dr. Cuddy: [after Wilson received flowers with a card seemingly signed by Dr. Cuddy] What’s up with Wilson?
Dr. House: He’s just a little freaked.
Dr. Cuddy: Why?
Dr. House: I sent him flowers.
Dr. House: [to a little girl in a daycare] Do you have hair on your special place?
Dr. House: Guy gets a little something-something. Couple of kids have to die. Circle of life.
Dr. Cuddy: So many people … so much energy and drama just trying to find someone who’s almost never the right person, anyway. It just shouldn’t be so hard.
Dr. House: I got tickets to a play.
House Training (3.20)
Dr. House: There’s a lot of porn piling up on the Internet. It doesn’t download itself!
Dr. Wilson: [to House] I’m not getting sucked into the vortex of your insanity again.
Dr. House: What’s life without the ability to make stupid decisions?
Dr. House: [to Wilson’s ex] Did you just compare Wilson to a tampon?
Dr. House: Who’s the better James Bond, Sean Connery or Daniel Craig? [patient is unable to respond] Oh come on, that’s not even a decision.
Dr. House: First, “Hector does go rug” is a lame anagram. You want a better anagram for “Gregory House”? “Huge ego, sorry.”
Dr. House: Guilt is irrelevant.
Dr. Chase: [to Dr. Foreman after the mistake] We are all wrong, you know. Even House was wrong.
Dr. Foreman: I know.
Dr. House: Oh, goodness! I left my door open! My poor dog must’ve run away and been hit by a car, or truck… or train… an anvil…
[House looks, Hector’s still there.]
Dr. House: (sarcastically) Thank god…you’re still here… (yelling) He’s still here!
Dr. House: What is the point in being able to control people if you won’t actually do it? It’s like training a dog, then letting him go on your rug, which, by the way–
Dr. Wilson: Once Foreman got his mitts on them, there was no way–
Dr. House: You didn’t explain chances of probabilities, you lied to them! And told them Foreman’s a moron, which isn’t even much of a lie right now.
Dr. Wilson: You gotta talk to him.
Dr. House: I got no problem with what Foreman did…
Dr. Wilson: He undercut us, and may have cost that kid his life–!
Dr. House: Foreman did what he thought was right, you, on the other hand, sucked out! When the decision really mattered you didn’t have the guts to tell him what to do! If that kid dies, it’s because Foreman was wrong and because you’re a coward! [He leaves Wilson standing in the corridor, shocked.]
Dr. Wilson: Why don’t you buy your canes at a medical supply store like a normal cripple?
Dr. House: Fewer bitchin’ choices.
Cane salesman: This is one of our top sellers. [shows House a new cane with a silver skull on top]
Dr. House: A little too “Marilyn Manson in the retirement home.”
[Cane salesman shows House another cane]
Dr. House: Cool.
Cane Salesman: Genuine bull penis stretched over a metal rod.
Dr. House:…Penis canes are murder.
[House slams down new cane]
Dr. Cameron: Flames?
Dr. House: Makes it look like I’m going fast.
Dr. House: Once we know what the infection is, we’ll know exactly how to treat it. As long as he isn’t dead yet, we’re cool.
Dr. House: Any more questions while your son’s life slips away?
Dr. Cuddy: Do you have anything to add to this debate?
Dr. House: Wilson’s right, Foreman’s wrong, your shirt is way too revealing for the office.
Dr. Wilson: I treat patients for months, maybe years, not weeks like you.
Dr. House: I’m taller.
Dr. House: Pride and shame only apply to people we have a vested interest in, not employees.
Dr. Foreman: You’ll save more people than I will. But I’ll settle for killing less. Consider this my two weeks notice.
Dr. House: [To Nick and Matty’s parents] You have only one decision to make. You can leave here with one dead son, or two.
Dr. House: Good morning! This is funny: People don’t…
Dr. Cameron: I’m not done reading. Go away.
[a few seconds later]
Dr. House: Good morning!
Dr. Chase: Not yet!
[Foreman just signed his resignation]
Dr. Cuddy: Good luck
Dr. Foreman: Thank you
Dr. House: That’s it? You’re not gonna tell him that we are family and families don’t abandon each other?
Dr. Cuddy: Do you want me to?
Dr. House: No.
Dr. Cuddy: Would it make any difference?
Dr. Foreman: No.
Dr. Cuddy: Good luck, Dr. Foreman!
Dr. House: Personally, I can’t believe I’ve had the same three employees for three years.
Dr. Wilson: [after being grilled by House because he’s on antidepressants. Gestures towards him] This is why I take them.
Dr. House: They’re antidepressants, not “anti-annoyanceants”!
Dr. Chase: Why’s Foreman quitting?
Dr. House: He wants to breed llamas
[House turns and leaves]
Dr. Chase: Interesting!
[House turns around]
Dr. Chase: You’re ashamed of the reason, too!
Dr. Wilson: You tried bargaining with [Foreman]? Give him a raise?
Dr. House: How much do you think it would cost to make him wanna be like me?
Dr. Chase: Labs indicated minute traces of blood.
Dr. House: Can’t ignore the blood because it’s a minority. Can we, Foreman?
Dr. House: [Entering an exam room] You’re cheating on Honey.
Male patient: What?…No! I’m not.
Dr. House: Yes, you are.
Honey: It’s okay. I get it.
Dr. House: I was gonna say “relax”, but oddly enough you seem pretty relaxed already.
Honey: You’re accomplished. You’re funny. You can have whatever you want. Women are gonna…
Dr. House: He’s not cheating with another woman. He’s cheating with another food group.
Dr. House: His floaters float, because they are full of fat. Probably had a big cheeseburger for lunch.
Honey: You’re eating flesh?
Male patient: It’s just a hamburger. Not all the time…
Honey: You’re disgusting.
Male patient: Soy tastes like cardboard. Unsalted cardboard.
Dr. House: I’m accomplished. I’m funny. Can I have whatever I want?
Dr. Wilson: How did you walk with the cane and two coffees?
Dr. House: Why are you suspicious?
Dr. Wilson: Because it’s either that, or accept the fact that you’ve done something nice, and then I have to deal with the horsemen, and the rain of fire, and the end of days.
Dr. House: I stacked them.
Dr. Wilson: I gotta go to the breast thing–listen, you know he wants you, you know he’s good, you know he can do you good…I don’t know what I’m saying–but you know what I mean.
Dr. Foreman: …
Dr. Wilson: [to a patient, after he realizes that House has dosed him with amphetamines] Excuse me. I have to go kill someone.
Dr. Wilson: You dosed me!
Dr. House: Yes I did but only because you didn’t trust me, your best friend.
Dr. Wilson: You could have killed me!
Dr. House: Amphetamines wouldn’t kill you.
Dr. Wilson: You don’t know my medical history! I could have… I co… You could’ve given me a heart attack!
Dr. House: A heart attack wouldn’t kill you. You were in a hospital.
[Dr. Wilson yawns]
Dr. House: Aha! You yawned!
Dr. Wilson: Aha! You tried to kill me!
Dr. House: I put you on uppers and you still yawned. Means it’s a symptom, of being a big fat liar. Yawning is a side effect of some antidepressants, apparently the ones you’re on.
Dr. Wilson: I’m not on antidepressants, I’m on speeeed!
Dr. Wilson: [Flying on speed] Give me a Vicodin so I don’t stroke.
[Wilson grabs a cup of coffee.]
Dr. House: I…wouldn’t drink that.
[Wilson looks at him quizically.]
Dr. House: Leg hurt and…[Points to Vicodin, then at coffee, then shrugs. Wilson sighs exasperatedly.]
Dr. House: You dosed me!
Dr. Wilson: It worked. you’ve been happy!
Dr House: I wasn’t happy I was hazy.
Dr Wilson: You were happy.
Dr House: Hazy.
Dr Wilson: Happy
Dr House: HAZY!!
Dr Wilson: A dying girl mistook hazy for happy because dying people see happiness everywhere!
Patient’s mom: Dr. House… Can we call you? Just… Err… In case of any doubts.
Dr. House: No.
[House turns his back to the patient’s parents and go away]
Dr. House: I’m on antidepressants because a doctor friend of mine thinks I’m miserable. I don’t like them they make me hazy. I eat meat, like drugs, and I’m not always faithful to the women I date.
Honey: You don’t seem depressed.
Dr. House: You do realize you just skipped over several deep character flaws that most women would run screaming from?
Honey: You told the truth.
Dr. House: Yeah… I don’t always do that either.
Honey: Well, how miserable can you be saving lives, sleeping around and doing drugs? [Smiles]
[Dr. House is proud for having diagnosed a protein deficiency on a patient, arguing “It can’t be tested; it can’t be seen”]
Dr. Foreman: [Disgusted] You’re happy about this
Dr. Cameron: She’s going to die!
Dr. House: That’s not my fault, she was going to die anyway. Now, thanks to me, at least she’ll know why.
Dr. Chase: I’m sure you’ll see that gratitude in her eyes when you tell her.
The Jerk (3.23)
Chase: Does your head still hurt?
Nathan: Are you a moron?
Nathan’s Mom: Nate!
Nathan: I’m clenching my head in pain and he asks if it hurts. [Turns to Chase] What are you, some kind of med student? You look like you still have themed birthday parties.
Dr. House: [to Dr. Cuddy] Oh, I almost forgot, I need to give a 16-year-old patient magic mushrooms to treat cluster headaches. That cool?
Dr. Cuddy: [sarcastically] Oh, sure.
House smiles and walks out. Cuddy panics and runs out after him
Dr. Cuddy: I was being sarcastic!
[Nathan is high on magic mushrooms prescribed by House]
Nathan: [he looks at Chase and chuckles] Hey! Hey, it’s Skippy! The Bush Kangaroo!
Dr. Chase: Your head, Nate, we need to know how the pain is.
Nathan: What I got here… it’s the opposite of pain.
Nathan: Hey, Dr. X, I know you busted ass trying to save me…
Dr. Foreman: No, it’s okay.
Nathan: I wasn’t going to thank you. I was just going to say you really suck at this.
Dr. Foreman: We’re doing our best.
Nathan: That’s sort of my point. Your best really sucks.
Dr. House: You are one evil cunning woman. It’s a massive turn on.
Dr. House: Kid’s not a cliché. Anyone can get in a fight after losing. It takes real creativity to beat up someone you just beat.
Nathan: [To Dr. Foreman] Do people watch what they say around you?
Dr. Foreman: Why? Because I’m black?
Nathan: No, because you’re gay.
Nathan: [to Cameron, while high] Oh, man, you’re hot. She’s makin’ me horny!
Dr. Chase: Deal with it.
Nathan: Hey, hey, hey! You can’t get me stoned then not seal the deal.
Dr. Chase: Shut up!
Dr. Cameron: Take it easy; he’s not in his right mind.
Nathan: You’re going to regret turning me down. Check it out.
[opens his robe to flash Cameron]
Dr. Chase: Oh, for God’s sake!
Nathan [to House, when he enters with the chess-board]: Who are you?
Dr. House: Doctor MacCaney!
Dr. Chase: And it’s Tuesday.
Dr. Cameron: I know.
Dr. Chase: I like you.
Dr. Cameron: I know. See you next Tuesday.
Human Error (3.24)
[House is defending his firing of Chase]
Dr. House: Sorry. You’re in the wrong room. My name on the door, my team, my decisions.
Dr. Cuddy: My building, my floor, my people!
[After Esteban has called him several times during the night]
Dr. House: Who gave an angry Cuban my home number?
[Marina has just revived after her heart stopped a day ago]
Marina: [weakly] Esteban?
Dr. House: Holy crap…
Marina: Is this Heaven?
Dr. House: No, it’s New Jersey.
Estaban: God sent you back to me! It’s a miracle!
[House looks to the heavens in a pleading manner]
Dr. Cameron: Short of a miracle, there is no way she could have revived.
Dr. House: Why does God get all the credit whenever something good happens?!
Dr. Cameron: Her blood pressure is rising.
Dr. House: So is mine. But I am doing battle with a deity.
Dr. House: Just one more surgery, and you’ll be fine.
Marina: Thank God!
Dr. House: Don’t make me slap you!
Dr. Chase: Foreman’s not going anywhere.
Dr. House: He said that to you?
Dr. Chase: He doesn’t really want to leave. And you don’t really want to let him. You’ll cave, just like you did with Cameron.
Dr. House: Foreman’s not as easy as Cameron. (Pauses) But, of course, who is?
Dr. Cameron: I’m in the room!