Assistant: You can’t go in there.
Dr. House: Who are you? And why are you wearing a tie?
Assistant: I’m Dr. Cuddy’s new assistant. Can I tell her what it’s regarding?
Dr. House: Yes! I would like to know why she gets a secretary and I don’t.
Assistant: I’m her assistant, not her secretary. I graduated from Rutgers.
Dr. House: Hmm… I didn’t know they had a secretarial school. Well, I hope you took some classes in sexual harassment law. Does the word “ka-ching” mean anything to you? I’m going in now.
Dr. House: You met me at a strip club.
Stacy: You were the worst two dollars I ever spent.
Dr. House: Death row guy. I want the case.
Dr. Cuddy: How do you even know about him? You don’t have access to the hospital’s mainframe.
Dr. House: No, but “partypants” does.
Dr. Cuddy: You stole my password?
Dr. House: Hardly counts as stealing; it’s a pretty obvious choice.
Dr. House: Well, I don’t want to say anything bad about another doctor, especially a useless drunk.
Dr. Cuddy: You’re addicted to pain pills.
Dr. House: But I’m not useless.
Dr. House: You know how they say, “you can’t live without love”? Well, oxygen is even more important.
[regarding a patient on death row]
Dr. House: I have to make him all better before shipping him back for the state to kill him. Is it just me, or is that weird?
Dr. Cameron: I took an oath to do no harm.
Dr. House: Yeah, well, it’s not like they made you sign it or anything.
Dr. Chase: How does an inmate on death row get his hands on heroin?
Dr. Foreman: Are you serious?
Dr. House: The man knows prisons. When we’ve got a yachting question, we’ll come to you.
Dr. House: [closing the blinds so he can’t see Stacy] What? Mommy and Daddy are having a little fight, it doesn’t mean we’ve stopped loving you. Now, go outside and play. Get Daddy some smokes and an arterial blood gas test.
Dr. Foreman: You killed four people. Somehow, making mac and cheese just the way he wants kind of loses its significance.
Dr. Wilson: You know why people are nice to other people?
Dr. House: Oh, I know this one. Because people are good, decent and caring. Either that, or people are cowards. If I’m mean to you, you’ll be mean to me. Mutually assured destruction.
Dr. House: I know you’re friends with her, but there is a code. Bros before hos, man.
Dr. House: Do I have to spell it out for you? Pheochromocytoma. Actually, I’m not sure how you spell it.
[Regarding taking on the case of a man on death row]
Dr. Foreman: Aren’t there better ways to spend our time?
Dr. House: Good question. What makes a person deserving? Is a man who cheats on his wife more deserving than a man who kills his wife?
Dr. Foreman: Uh yeah. Actually, he is.
Dr. House: What about a child molester? Certainly not a good guy, but he didn’t kill anybody. Maybe he can get antibiotics, but no MRIs. What about you? What medical care should you be denied for being a car thief? Tell you what: the three of you work out a list of what medical treatments a person loses based on the crime they committed. I’ll review it when I get back.
Warden: Your patient shanked one inmate his first month here, broke another one’s neck, nearly decapitated one of my guards.
Dr. House: Relax, I’ve got a great bedside manner.
Warden: Don’t have a respirator.
Dr. House: Better get one in about an hour, or you’re gonna lose him.
Warden: I’ll make out a requisition. The state’s already sentenced this man to die.
Dr. House: I think the state was a tad more specific about how.
Stacy: It was easy once I convinced the clerk to take it to Judge Markem; he’s a sucker for Eighth Amendment arguments.
Dr. House: Stop, I’m getting turned on.
Dr. Cameron: A spot on an x-ray doesn’t necessarily mean that she’s terminal.
Dr. House: I love children. So filled with hope.
Dr. House: God, I’ve got to learn not to beat around the bush.
Dr. Chase: I’m against the death penalty in principle. In practice, however, watching a murderer die causes me a lot less grief than annoying my boss.
Dr. Cameron: Black defendants are ten times more likely to get a death sentence than whites.
Dr. Foreman: Doesn’t mean we need to get rid of the death penalty, do we? It just means we need to kill more white people.
Dr. House: I just don’t want you working here, in my office. But anywhere else in the building is fine. It’s a big hospital.
Stacy: I’m a lawyer. You’re a jerk. There’s gonna be some overlap.
Dr. House: God, I hope that was a euphemism.
Stacy: Cuddy just reamed me.
Dr. House: I hope that one means what I think it means.
Dr. House: Who wants to head over to the prison and find Clarence’s secret stash?
Dr. Foreman: Fine, I’ll do it.
Dr. House: Great! Chase it is.
Dr. Chase: I assume you have a reason beyond wanting to make me completely miserable?
Dr. House: You’ve got a prettier mouth. Better chance the inmates will open up to you.
Dr. House: Why are you talking to me?
Stacy: Can’t it be enough that I want to cause you pain?
Dr. Chase: No lesions, no aneurysms. Ironically, the mind of a killer looks completely normal.
Dr. Cuddy: House!
Dr. House: [Mimicking Scooby Doo] Ruh-roh.
Death Row Guy: I feel like I’m gettin’ stabbed!
Dr. House: Well, he’d know.
Dr. Cameron: When a good person dies, there should be an impact on the world. Somebody should notice. Somebody should be upset.
Dr. Chase: If she’s never kissed a boy, it’s a fair bet she’s never had sex.
Dr. House: Tell that to all the hookers that won’t kiss me on the mouth.
Dr. House: And you stay away from the patient.
Dr. Cameron: What’d I do?
Dr. House: Oh well, you’d just get all warm and cuddly around the dying girl and insinuate yourself; end up in a custody battle.
Dr. House: Is it still illegal to perform an autopsy on a living person?
Dr. Cuddy: Are you high?
Dr. House: If it’s Tuesday, I’m wasted.
Dr. Cuddy: It’s Wednesday.
Dr. Cuddy: You’re actually talking about killing her.
Dr. House: Just for a little while, I’ll bring her right back.
Dr. Cuddy: Oh, well, in that case go ahead. Why are we even talking?
Dr. House: Differential diagnosis. Ready, set
Dr. Foreman: Well the hallucinations…
Dr. House: Whoa! Hold on… Wait for it… And go.
Dr. Foreman: We can do that if you want to ignore what we just discussed.
Dr. House: Sounds good.
Dr. House: Union rules. I can’t check out this guy’s seeping gonorrhea this close to lunch.
Dr. House: The tumor is Afghanistan, the clot is Buffalo.
Dr. Foreman: Her oxygen saturation is normal.
Dr. House: It’s off by one percentage point.
Dr. Foreman: It’s within range. It’s normal.
Dr. House: If her DNA was off by one percentage point, she’d be a dolphin.
Andie: Will you kiss me?
Dr. Chase: No.
Andie: No one will know.
Dr. House: Cancer doesn’t make you special.
Dr. Chase: It was one kiss!
Dr. House: This is exactly why you can’t touch my markers.
Dr. Wilson: I’m with a patient.
Dr. House: Is she dying?
Dr. Wilson: No.
Dr. House: Then she can wait.
Dr. House: [about Andie] She’s such a brave girl, I want to see how brave she is when you tell her she’s gonna die.
Dr. Wilson: Go to hell.
Dr. House: You see grace because you want to see grace.
Dr. Wilson: You don’t see grace because you won’t go anywhere near her.
Dr. House: Sore throat?
[The patient uncovers himself, revealing blood on his pants.]
Dr. House: It’s not lupus. Well, not everyone can operate a zipper. Up, down, what comes next?
Patient: My new girlfriend had never been with a guy who wasn’t circumcised. So she freaked, and…
Dr. House: Aha. And she wanted Rifka to feel all gemutlicht. I get it. It’s a shanda.
[The patient pulls down his pants while House closes the blinds. House turns around, and recoils in horror.]
Dr. House: Ahh!
Patient: I got some boxcutters. And, um…
Dr. House: Just like Abraham did it.
Patient: I sterilized them, which I was told you’re supposed to…
Dr. House: Stop talking. I’m going to get a plastic surgeon. To get the Twinkie back in the wrapper.
Dr. Foreman: We could bolt her to the table.
Dr. House: Gruesome and low-tech; kiss me, I love it.
Dr. Wilson: So, the dying girl should be nice to me?
Dr. House: When you are dying everybody loves you!
Dr. Wilson: You have a cane and nobody likes you!
Dr. House: I’m not terminal, just pathetic, and you wouldn’t believe some of the crap people let me get away with.
Humpty Dumpty [2.3]
Dr. House: I’m happy to report that we are now so in sync, we’re actually wearing each other’s underwear.
Dr. House: If I tried a scheme like this, you’d get that nasty wrinkly face and screech like a hyena. Very sexy, I admit.
Dr. House: Do I get bonus points if I act like I care?
[House is standing before Cuddy’s front door with Foreman and Chase. They’re about to break in. House grabs his credit card and holds it in the air.]
Dr. House: 20 bucks says I can get through this door in 20 seconds.
Dr. Chase: You’re on.
Dr. Foreman: Count me in.
[ House looks under a garden ornament, finds a key and uses it to open the door.]
Dr. House: The good news is he won’t be bitching about losing his hand if he can’t breathe.
Dr. House: Might have mentioned this earlier, Doctor. Maybe we could have sent some blood cultures to the lab, instead of wasting a day indulging your self-loathing.
Dr. Foreman: I’m not breaking into my boss’s house.
Dr. House: I’m your boss.
Dr. Chase: She’s scarier than you are.
[Doctors House, Foreman, and Chase are about to break into Dr. Cuddy’s house]
Dr. House: What do you think? Red thongs? I think red thongs.
[Inside, House examines a pinkish thong]
Dr. House: Does this count as red?
[House opens Cuddy’s underwear drawer.]
Dr. House: Oh…my…god. Chase - she’s got pictures of you in here. Just you, it’s like some kind of weird shrine!
Dr. Chase: [coming to look] You’re kidding!
Dr. House: Yeah.
Dr. Cuddy: Are you being intentionally dense?
Dr. House: [sarcastically] Huh?
Stacy: How’s Cuddy doing?
Dr. House: She’s not acting like Cuddy. It’s a pleasure.
Stacy: You know her. She has trouble with these situations, feels personally responsible.
Dr. House: Technical term is narcissism. You can’t believe everything is your fault unless you also believe you’re all powerful.
Patient: I’m not buying into no racist drug, okay?
Dr. House: It’s racist because it helps black people more than white people? Well, on behalf of my peeps, let me say, thanks for dying on principle for us.
Patient: Look. My heart’s red; your heart’s red. And it don’t make no sense to give us different drugs.
Dr. House: You know, I have found a difference. Admittedly, it’s a limited sample, but it’s my experience in the last ninety seconds that all black people are morons. Sorry, African-Americans.
Dr. House: You’ve lost perspective, Cuddy. You’ve stopped looking at this as a doctor. You’re acting like someone who shoved somebody off their roof. You want to make things right? Too bad. Nothing’s ever right.
Dr. House: Your guilt. It’s perverse, and it makes you a crappy doctor. It also makes you okay at what you do.
Dr. Cuddy: You figure a perverted sense of guilt makes me a good boss?
Dr. House: Now, would the world be a better place if people never felt guilty? Makes sex better. [Pointing to Stacy] Should have seen her in the last months of our relationship. Lot of guilt. Lot of screaming. I know this wasn’t just because it was your roof. Cuddy… you see the world as it is, and you see the world as it could be. What you don’t see is what everybody else sees: the giant, gaping chasm in between.
Dr. Cuddy: House, I’m not naive. I realize—
Dr. House: If you did, you never would have hired me. You’re not happy unless things are just right. Which means two things: you’re a good boss, and you’ll never be happy. By the way why does everyone think that you and I had sex? Think there could be something to it? [shrugs]
Dr. Chase: You’re just too nasty to each other to have not been, well, nasty.
Dr. House: Hey, I can be a jerk to people I haven’t slept with. I am that good.
TB or Not TB [2.4]
[Talking to a patient who has been diagnosed with a cat allergy]
Dr. House: You’re allergic. We can control it with antihistamines, one pill a day.
Dr. House: You don’t like to swallow? I’m not surprised. Forget the pills, I’ll give you a nasal spray.
Mandy: Steroids? Is there something else you can give me?
Dr. House: Well, if you live by the river, I’ve got a bag.
Dr. Cuddy: Dr. Sebastian Charles collapsed during a presentation at Stoia Tucker.
Dr. House: Really? Crushed under the weight of his own ego?
Dr. House: The nameless poor have a face, and it’s a pompous white man.
Dr. House: Welcome aboard the Good Ship Asskisser. Nice day for a sail. Pucker up, me hearties.
Dr. Cameron: He asked me out.
Dr. Chase: I’m shocked.[Cameron glares at him] I’m shocked when patients don’t ask you out.
Dr. Cameron: He also asked me to come to Africa.
Dr. Chase: Boy, he moves fast.
Dr. Foreman: What’s the emergency?
Dr. House: [Looking at his yo-yo] I can’t remember how to do Walk the Dog.
Sebastian: [Snaps his fingers] Another person just died. Where is your outrage?
Dr. House: [Keeps snapping] Sure, they’re dying, but it’s got a great beat.
Sebastian: Nah, TB’s my disease.
Dr. House: You own a disease? Well, I’m sorry I missed the IPO on dengue fever.
Dr. House: Take the pills or I let you die, do an autopsy, call my own press conference, and make sure the world knows that you didn’t die of TB. Corporate sponsors will be disappointed, but they’ll find another disease.
Sebastian: Why would you do that?
Dr. House: Because I’m just a mean son of a bitch.
Sebastian: Every minute four people die of TB.
Dr. House: Wow, how can you sleep at night?
Sebastian: There’s people dying in Africa of a disease that we cured over fifty years ago…
Dr. House: Yeah, I know. I saw the concert. Seriously, let’s say you sleep six hours, that means every night you kill 1440 people. I guess you gotta get some sleep, but come on, if you’d stayed up another ten minutes you could have saved forty lives. Do you send notes to the families in the morning? That’s gonna take at least ten minutes, so that’s another forty dead, another forty notes… why don’t you go wrack yourself with guilt in your own room?
[While pointing to Sebastian and talking to newspeople]
Dr. House THAT IS NOT TB!
[Cuts to Drs. Wilson and Foreman]
Dr. Wilson Compelling television.
[To Newsweek reporter]
Dr. House: In my opinion, Dr. Sebastian Charles is an idiot! Yeah, you can quote me… C-U-D-D-Y.
Dr. House: Every minute that we refuse to love one another, another puppy cries another tear.
Dr. Wilson: You’re just mad that he’s closer to a Nobel Prize than you are.
Dr. House: And yet I’ve nailed more Swedish babes. Crazy, crazy world.
Dr. Wilson: It’s not just the trip to Stockholm, you know. It comes with a cash prize.
Dr. House: Seriously? No wonder everybody is going after that peace thing.
Dr. House: Nobel Invented dynamite, I won’t take his blood money.
Dr. House: There’s an evolutionary imperative why we give a crap about our family and friends. And there’s an evolutionary imperative why we don’t give a crap about anybody else. If we loved all people indiscriminately, we couldn’t function.
Dr. Foreman: Hmmm. So, the great humanitarian’s as selfish as the rest of us.
Dr. House: Just not as honest about it.
Sebastian: What he [House] just did -
Dr. Foreman: Abusive and unprofessional. If he hadn’t done it, we wouldn’t have seen the problem.
Sebastian: I think doctors like House cling to objectivity like a three-year-old to a blanket: don’t get too worked up, stay calm, stay cool, and maintain that correct perspective. The only flaw in their argument is, when you have millions of people dying, the correct perspective is to be yelling at the top of your lungs.
Dr. House: He’s not even a real doctor; he’s a human telethon.
Dr. Wilson: Is that your problem with him? You see hypocrites every day. Why is this guy so special?
Dr. House: You think I have a hypocritical attitude to hypocrisy? The problem is there are 26 letters in the alphabet, and he only uses two of them. He treats thousands of patients with one diagnosis. He knows the answer going in. It’s cheating.
Dr. House: You are as big a media whore as he is.
Dr. Cuddy: Of course I am. It couldn’t possibly be that I think he’s right, and I’d like to be a small part of what he’s doing.
Dr. House: Oh, whores can like the sex. Doesn’t mean they’re not whores.
Dr. House: You want third-world treatment? [Turns up the thermostat] You got it. Boy, is it hot here in Jani!
Dr. Cameron: What are you doing?
Dr. House: What am I doing? [He knocks Sebastian’s things onto the floor] Putting everything on the floor of the hut. Uh oh, wicked magic box with the moving pictures!
Dr. Cameron: You think he’s a hypocrite?
Dr. House: [Unplugging the TV] Hypocrite? No, everyone in Africa’s got cell phones or running water. [He has dropped Sebastian’s cell phone in the toilet] This thing just will not flush.
Sebastian: Do you really think that if you come in here and make it a little hot, make it smell a little, that I’m just going to fold and abandon everything that matters to me?
Dr. House: [Wiping his cane on Sebastian’s blanket] Lousy sanitation over there, too. You are not the same as them; your life is not the same. And you are cheapening everything they’re going through by pretending you are.
Dr. House: Do you notice how all the self-sacrificing women in history; Joan of Arc, Mother Theresa, can’t think of any others; they all die alone. The men, on the other hand, get so much fuzz, it’s crazy.
Dr. Foreman: Good? This is bizarre.
Dr. House: Bizarre is good! Common has hundreds of explanations. Bizarre has hardly any.
Dr. Foreman: We can’t avoid her forever.
Dr. House: Eventually she’ll die… You sure she doesn’t have breast cancer?
Dr. House: I saved his life. I should get credit for every life he saves from now.
Dr. Wilson: I’ll make sure Stockholm knows.
Daddy’s Boy [2.5]
Dr. Wilson: We’re discussing your new patient.
Dr. House: Must be a boring discussion seeing as I haven’t accepted a new patient.
Dr. Wilson: You accepted him the moment I loaned you five grand.
Dr. House: Oooohhhh…wait, wait. When I said I’d do anything for the money, obviously I didn’t mean it.
Dr. Cameron: Why would you need five thousand dollars?
Dr. Chase: Bad night at poker…or great night with a hooker?
Dr. House: Thank you for saving me the trouble of deflecting that personal question with a joke.
[Upon seeing House’s new motorcycle]
Dr. Wilson: Two-wheeled vehicles that travel 150 miles an hour don’t really go well with crippled, irresponsible drug addicts.
Dr. House: You bastard. You invited my parents to dinner.
Dr. Wilson: Geez, Cameron’s got a big mouth.
Dr. House: Ha! Not as big as yours.
Dr. Wilson: Hey, you used me to avoid seeing your parents.
Dr. House: Well, what do you care?
Dr. Wilson: I don’t. I just thought it might be interesting to find out why.
Dr. House: You could have just asked.
Dr. Wilson: You would have lied.
Dr. House: And you would have believed me. Which would have kept us both happy. Do you want your money back, is that what this is about?
Dr. Wilson: No! Wait, what? Have you got the money?
[House starts to write check]
Dr. Wilson: If you have the money, then why did you need the loan?
Dr. House: I didn’t. I just wanted to see if you’d give it to me. I’ve been borrowing increasing amounts ever since you lent me forty dollars a year ago. A little experiment to see where you’d draw the line.
Dr. Wilson: You’re - you’re trying to objectively measure how much I value our friendship?
Dr. House: That’s five grand, you’ve got nothing to be ashamed of. So what do you say, one little phone call, one big check?
Dr. Wilson: Fine.
Dr. Wilson: Thanks.
[gets in car]
Dr. Wilson: Now, be a grownup and either tell mommy and daddy you don’t want to see them or I’m picking you up at 7:00 for dinner.
Dr. House: What do you mean? You just said…
Dr. Wilson: I lied. I’ve been lying to you in increasing amounts ever since I told you you look good unshaved a year ago. It’s a little experiment, you know, to see where you’d draw the line.
Dr. House: Gimme a reason to get out of this, and I’ll tell you who started the rumor about you being a transsexual.
Dr. Cuddy: There is no such rumor.
Dr. House: There will be unless you get me out of this dinner.
Ken: I know the way things work - the better my job, the better my son gets treated.
Dr. House: Right. That’s why I’m mad. ‘Cause we wasted all that filet mignon on you.
Dr. Cameron: Who was that?
Dr. House: Angelina Jolie. I call her mom. Who thinks that’s sexy?
Dr. Cameron: So it’s okay to lie to House, but not to a patient.
Dr. Cuddy: Yep!
[Taddy is being wheeled in on a gurney]
Dr. House: You Taddy?
Dr. House: Love the name. If I ever have a dog…
Dr. House: Now we’re getting somewhere.
Dr. Foreman: Where?
Dr. House: I have no idea.
Dr. Foreman: You have no evidence to support a poisoning diagnosis.
Dr. House: Which is why it’s gonna be so cool when I turn out to be right.
Dr. Cameron: Why does he hate seeing his parents? So his dad tells the truth, is that so terrible?
Dr. Wilson: He hates being a disappointment.
Dr. Cameron: He’s a doctor. World famous. How disappointed can they be?
Dr. Wilson: You know the only thing I can think of that’s worse than watching your son become a cripple? Watching him become miserable.
Dr. House: You know our relationship was way better when we were sleeping together. Why’d we stop doing that? Did you get married?
Stacy: Yeah. Otherwise I’d be on ya like red on rice.
Dr. House: But rice isn’t- ohhhhhhh, I get it!
Dr. House: You know me. Hostility makes me shrink up like a…. I can’t think of a non-sexual metaphor.
Dr. House: What makes a guy start drooling? Chase, were you wearing your short shorts?
Dr. Chase: You were right.
Dr. House: Now there went three wasted words.
Dr. House: [to Dr. Chase] I love when you do both sides of the conversation. It’s like white noise; it’s very peaceful.
Dr. Cameron: It’s kind of a long shot.
Dr. House: Yeah, but it’s been over an hour since we poked the patient with something sharp. Get him a lumbar puncture.
Dr. House: You are healed. [sticks the patient in the thigh] Rise and walk.
Jeff: Are you insane?
Dr. House: In the Bible, they just say, “Yes, Lord” and start on in with the praising.
Jeff: First you tell me I’ve got cancer. Then you tell me that my manager… (Jeff realizes he can move his arms) What did you do?
Dr. House: What did you do, Lord?
Dr. House: [after injecting the cyclist] Tensilon erases the symptoms of MG for five or six minutes. [patient falls to the ground] Sometimes less. This is exactly why I created nurses. [yells out the door] Cleanup on aisle three!
Stacy: We need to talk.
Dr. House: Oh, God. Are you pregnant? ‘Cause I really wanna finish high school.
Dr. House: She [Stacy] can’t handle working with me.
Dr. Cuddy: Oh, right, yeah, she’s still got a thing for you, making it impossible for her to deal, makes perfect sense. Except for the pronouns!
Jeff: I do straight blood doping.
Dr. Cuddy: Plot twist!
Dr. House: That’s a very daring confession.
Manager: We’ve got confidentiality, right?
Dr. House: Assuming I’m more ethical than your client.
Dr. House: The air is keeping him from breathing air. Let’s go with that for the irony.
Dr. Foreman: With all due respect, man, I doubt there’s anything wrong with you that you didn’t do to yourself.
Dr. Chase: Micky Mantle was an alcoholic.
Dr. Cameron: At least he had his own home runs. He didn’t physically alter himself.
Dr. Chase: We take drugs to help us fall asleep, stay awake—
Dr. Cameron: We don’t make careers out of who can stay awake the longest!
Dr. Chase: Really? Ever been to, oh, I don’t know, med school?
Dr. Foreman: Er, guys? He plays a game for a living. Who cares?
Dr. House: How’s your recovery going? Gotten around to the small muscles yet?
Mark: It’s not the size of the muscle; it’s where you get to put it.
Stacy: My goodness, it’s like watching Oscar Wilde and Noel Coward in the third grade.
Dr. Wilson: How’s your biker?
Dr. House: Pumped an air bubble into a vein in his lung.
Dr. Wilson: The things people do! Doping! Vicodin!
Dr. House: Hey! You’re talking about me aren’t you!
Dr. Wilson: Mark is in group therapy for people coping with disability. He was thinking about developing a drug addiction, but that would be stupid.
Dr. House: Hey, you’re… [House gestures back and forth between Wilson and himself] Ohhh, you again!
Dr. Wilson: He’s made a mistake. Revealing the truth doesn’t undo it.
Dr. Cameron: Kids love him, and he’s not who they think he is. It’s not right.
Dr. Wilson: Who cares if he’s what he says he is? Who the hell is? If love’s based on lies, does that mean it’s not a real feeling? Doesn’t it bring the same pleasure?
Dr. Cameron: Are we still talking about the patient?
Dr. Wilson: Have you…. ever cheated? Well, I have. You wanna punish him, good for you; but you can’t do it without punishing the people who love him.
Dr. Cameron: Is that how you justified lying to your wives?
Dr. Wilson: I always told them.
Dr. Chase: There’s no way PRCA could manifest so suddenly.
Dr. Cameron: Unless it’s drug-induced. He’s lying about not being on EPO?
Dr. House: Why would he lie?
Dr. Cameron: What does it matter?
Dr. House: People lie for thousands of reasons, but there’s always a reason.
Dr. Foreman: Philosophically interesting, medically irrelevant.
Dr. House: Unless he’s not lying.
Manager: Okay, I should have told you. It’s not just about the races, Jeff; it’s about your image, okay? If you come back from cancer, those sponsors will be all over you. Okay, so I messed up okay, but I did not give you EPO!
Jeff: That stuff could kill me.
Dr. House: Come on, give her a break. She’s only doing what she has to to advance her career. Don’t you have that tattooed on your tushie?
Dr. House: [makes a dramatic gesture with the stirring stick] Go forth and scan his neck.
Dr. Chase: His neck?
Dr. House: Or repeat everything I say in question form.
Dr. Cameron: After this let’s scan some other totally random body parts.
Dr. Chase: 50 bucks says we find something.
Dr. Foreman: Find what?
Dr. Chase: Don’t have a clue. We on?
Dr. Foreman: No way.
Dr. Chase: (turns to see if Cameron is up to it)
Dr. Cameron: No. We’ll find something.
Dr. House: She came into the clinic and yelled at me. Then she left. Then she came back and yelled some more.
Dr. Wilson: Hmm. Yelling. That might be a clue.
Dr. House: I know what the yelling means, it’s the coming and going I find interesting. It’s not rational.
Dr. Wilson: Anger’s not rational?
Dr. House: Some anger is. She could have pulled me aside, screamed at me privately. Her beef is simple and well-founded. She was out of control.
Dr. Wilson: You’re having fun aren’t you?
Dr. House: She’s in my face, I need to know why.
Dr. Wilson: Professional reasons.
Dr. House: Oh, why else?
Dr. Wilson: Do you really think this is going to end well, for anyone?
Dr. House: I want to apologize. Maybe I’ve been punishing you for a little too long. And maybe you’ve been punishing me. If we’re going to work together, I need to know: Do you hate me? Or do you love me? Either way, I think we’ve got a problem.
Stacy: I hate you. And I love you. And I love Mark.
Dr. House: You don’t hate him?
Dr. House: So what do we do?
Stacy: We deal with each other.
Dr. House: Right. That plan’s been working great so far.
Stacy: It’ll get better, it’ll get easier.
Dr. House: Why?
Stacy: I don’t know, it’s what my therapist tells me.
[House walks out of the room giving a briefly smug little smile once he’s closed the door]
Dr. Cameron: I fell in love with my husband’s best friend. Near the end I was at the hospital every day and Joe would come by after work, and go for walks, and trying to talk each other through it. We just clung to each other.
Dr. Wilson: My wife wasn’t dying, she wasn’t even sick - everything was fine. I met someone who made me feel funny. Good. And I didn’t wanna let that feeling go. What happened to you? How can anyone go through that alone. You can’t control your emotions.
Dr. Cameron: No, just your actions.
Dr. Wilson: You didn’t do it, did you. You didn’t sleep with him?
Dr. Cameron: I couldn’t have lived with myself.
Dr. Wilson: You’d be surprised what you can live with.
Dr. House: I had therapy here this morning and left my cane.
Dr. House: Dude. I’m crippled.
[Janitor pauses, then unlocks the door]
Dr. House: Now let go of my cane before it becomes your new boyfriend.
Kalvin: Honey, I will marry it if you would look at my file.
Dr. House: Congress says you can’t, so…
Dr. House: Just ’cause he says I hit him doesn’t make it true. Watch. [Shouts to the heavens] I am surrounded by naked cheerleaders! [Nothing happens] See?
Dr. House: Steve McQueen without hair? It’s a blessing he died young.
Dr. House: Steve McQueen does not run from danger.
Dr. House: I am not treating you.
Kalvin: What, because you’re a closet case?
Dr. Wilson: Er… we’re not g…er… together.
Dr. House: He is so self-loathing.
[Dr. House is with Stacy in her house when Mark enters the room.]
Mark: What’s going on?
Dr. House: It’s not what you think. I know it looks like we’re cleaning dishes, but actually, we’re having sex.
Dr. Foreman: Have you read his file?
Dr. House: I started, but I found the characters two-dimensional.
Dr. Wilson: If you want her back, either tell her, or, better yet, shut up and cry yourself to sleep like everybody else.
Dr. Cameron: I love my job.
Kalvin: Really? You seem more the “find it exceptionally satisfying” type.
Dr. Cameron: I have fun.
Dr. Chase: Yeah, she’s got some scheduled for February.
Dr. Chase: Pre-World War II fluorescent bulbs contained large amounts of beryllium. Beryllium dust inflames the lungs, they get rigid, patient can’t breathe. [Dr. House gives him a questioning look] My father co-authored a paper on acute berylliosis.
Dr. House: Phew! For a moment there I thought you were smart.
Kalvin: [To Dr. Cameron] Oh, would you stop being nice? It’s useless, and worse, it’s boring.
Dr. House: He thought he was dying. Dying people lie, too. Wish they’d worked less, they’d been nicer, they’d opened orphanages for kittens. If you really want to do something, you do it, you don’t save it for sound byte.
Dr. Chase: Last night probably shouldn’t happen again.
Dr. Cameron: Do you think I want it to?
Dr. Chase: When two people have had sex, unless it sucks, if they can do it again, they’re gonna do it again. And that’s when things get complicated. And it didn’t suck.
Dr. Wilson: So now you’ve got to drum up another excuse to be around the love of your life. Could hit another patient.
Dr. House: Nah, don’t like to repeat myself. People will say I’m formulaic.
Dr. House: It was self-defense.
Dr. Cuddy: You baited him.
Dr. House: You’re right. I was asking for it. The low-cut blouse, the “Do me” pumps…
Stacy: This whole time you’ve been manipulating me?
Dr. House: You knew I had an angle the moment I poured soap onto a scrub brush.
Dr. Cameron: So you always use a condom?
Dr. Foreman: Uhhh, yeah.
Dr. House: Brother’s on the down low… got to.
Dr. Foreman: I’m not ready for any Foreman juniors yet.
Dr. Cameron: [to House] You?
Dr. House: Working girls - they’re sticklers. You’re not going to poll Chase?
Dr. Chase: I’m not an idiot.
Dr. House: Obviously not. Who doesn’t sleep with a drugged-out colleague when they have a chance?
Dr. House: It’s okay, she’s not here, you can skip the nice guy act.
Dr. Foreman: You know, some human beings are actually capable of human feelings.
The Mistake [2.8]
Stacy: If Chase screwed up so badly, why didn’t you fire him?
Dr. House: He has great hair.
Stacy: What are you hiding?
Dr. House: I’m gay. Oh! That’s not what you meant. It does explain a lot, though: no girlfriend, always with Wilson, obsession with sneakers…
Dr. House: And for the record, you are the worst transplant surgeon in the hospital. But, unfortunately, you are the only one who’s currently cheating on his wife.
Sam: She got hep from me, didn’t she?
Dr. House: No! No, no, no, God, no! I think she got cancer from you.
Stacy: That’s how you tell this guy he’s dying?
Dr. House: Oh, relax. He’s got a cold, and, soon, health insurance.
Stacy: Such a hero. Always righting wrongs. Who cares who you have to manipulate?
Dr. House: I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you and Buck were so close.
Dr. Chase: [To Stacy] Let’s make a deal. I won’t use the word “honestly,” and you’ll quit stopping by to see House so you don’t take it out on me afterwards, how about that?
Dr. House: One caveat: I’ve moved past threesomes. I’m now into foursomes. If someone backs out, then you’ve still got a threesome. If two people back out, you’re still having sex. You’d be amazed. Even if three people—
Dr. House: She’s overreacting.
Dr. Wilson: You snuck into her shrink’s office and read her private file. When Nixon did that, he got impeached.
Dr. House: So you’re saying I’m not allowed to have oral sex with an intern either?
Dr. House: [About Stacy] She protects Chase, she protects me.
Dr. Wilson: Unless her advice to Chase is to make a deal and give you up. [In a bad Australian accent] “I’m so sorry, if only Dr House had paid attention… he’d never even met her; he never does.”
Dr. House: Chase loves me. And isn’t Turkish.
Dr. Wilson: Cameron loves you. Chase loves his job.
Stacy: Yeah. Why did Chase screw up?
Dr. Foreman: Because he doesn’t give a crap about patients.
Stacy: Well, he always gets positive patient reviews.
Dr. Foreman: Yeah. He smiles all 84 of his teeth, tells them his tonsil story.
Stacy: It’s a nice story.
Dr. Foreman: He still has his tonsils. As soon as he’s out of the room, which is as soon as he can be out of the room, he starts in on the trash talk. Thinks not giving a crap makes him like House. Like something to aspire to.
Dr. Chase: It was a minor mistake; I couldn’t have known it was going to happen—
Dr. House: Mistakes are as serious as the results they cause!
Dr. House: You know what’s really killing her? Chase forgot to ask a standard question about stomach pain, so he missed the diagnosis, so she perforated, so she got sepsis, so her BP tanks, so she got blood clots, so she lost her liver. Livers are important, Cuddy. Can’t live without them, hence the name. And here’s the big issue: Chase is a hospital employee, and Kayla is the sympathetic mother of those two jury-friendly moppets Caleb and Cody.
Dr. Chase: Dory and Nicky.
Dr. Cuddy: Your point, beyond just trying to make Chase wet himself, seems to be that the hospital faces liability here. Well, thanks for clearing that up. I still need a medical reason to list her.
Dr. House: That is a medical reason! The family wins this hospital in a lawsuit, they’ll turn it into condos. And people will die waiting outside a condo for medical care.
Dr. House: The hospital lawyer asks me if I did something unethical. If I did, the last person I tell is the hospital lawyer, especially since she’s gone all Old Testament on me.
Dr. House: I’m not the one being sued. I feel funny.
Stacy: [Interrupting a flashback] Don’t care about the Vicodin. [Vicodin disappears with a pop]
Dr. House: Chase killed that woman, now Foreman’s in charge?
Dr. Cuddy: Yeah, we have a pecking order here, if Cameron kills somebody, Chase takes over. There’s a flow chart in the lobby.
Anica: You know, I was gonna ask what a respectable doctor was doing at an OTB parlor; somehow that question doesn’t seem relevant anymore.
Dr. House: What’s your excuse?
Anica: Turns me on.
Dr. House: Yeah, what else turns you on? Drugs? Casual sex? Rough sex? Casual rough sex? I’m a doctor; I need to know.
Dr. House: Work smart, not hard. That’s my philosophy, boss.
Dr. House: [While deliberately sabotaging a lumbar puncture] Eighth time’s the charm.
Dr. Cameron: That’s the irony of women in charge, they don’t like other women in charge.
Dr. Foreman: What do you expect me to do, House? Quit? Cry?
Dr. House: Actually, I expect you to act like what you are - my employee, my subordinate … my bitch.
Dr. House: [To a patient who’s been using strawberry jelly as a spermicide, and got an infection from it] You probably shouldn’t have sex for a while.
Patient: For how long?
Dr. House: On an evolutionary basis, I’d recommend… forever.
Dr. House: Yeah, well, being hospitalized a lot certainly points to nothing being wrong with you.
Dr. Cameron: How would you describe my leadership skills?
Dr. House: Nonexistent. Otherwise excellent.
Dr. Cameron: [While searching Anica’s house] She’s got an appointment with her opthamologist on Tuesday and an appointment with her gynecologist on Thursday. Multiple appointments with multiple doctors… symptom of Munchausen’s.
Dr. House: Or - just thinking outside the box here - she has a vagina and trouble reading.
Dr. House: At the end of “The Boy Who Cried Wolf,” the wolf really does come. And he eats the sheep… and the boy… and his parents.
Dr. Chase: The wolf doesn’t eat the parents!
Dr. House: It does when I tell it.
Dr. House: Sorry, I missed that. Hearing’s been off since the Ricky Martin concert—some cholo kicked me in the head.
Dr. House: Labs, schmabs. A good diagnostician reads between the labs.
Dr. Foreman: Yeah, you’re all about the nurturing.
Dr. House: You need a hug?
Dr. Foreman: I just agreed with you.
Dr. House: Not because you think I’m right. You’re just taking the safe route. You’re a wuss. Don’t worry; your secret’s safe with me. [walks outside. Loudly] Hey, Wilson! Guess what Foreman just did!
Dr. Foreman: Do you think there’s any way House would take me seriously as his boss?
Dr. Wilson: Where is this coming from? Did Cuddy say something?
Dr. Foreman: We talked. She intimated.
Dr. Wilson: And you want my advice on how to usurp him? It’s very ancient Rome: you’ll need a toga, and of course, a sword.
Dr. Foreman: You were right.
Dr. House: Hey hey hey, we’re not here to play the blame game. These things happen. Sometimes doctors send people out on the street to die after other doctors warned them that they were sending them out on the street to die. There’s no way you could know.
Failure To Communicate [2.10]
Dr. Wilson: Do you know your phone is dead? Do you ever recharge the batteries?
Dr. House: They recharge? I just keep buying new phones.
Stacy: Our relationship is like an addiction. It’s… like…
Dr. House: Really good drugs?
Stacy: No, it’s like… vindaloo curry.
Dr. House: Okay, sure…
Stacy: Really, really hot Indian curry they make with red chili peppers.
Dr. House: I know what it is! Didn’t think it was addictive.
Stacy: You’re abrasive and annoying and come on way too strong, like… vindaloo curry. When you’re crazy about curry, that’s fine, but, no matter how much you love curry, you have too much of it, it takes the roof of your mouth off. And then you never want to see curry for a really, really long time, but you wake up one day, and you think… God, I really miss curry.
Dr. Foreman: Why’d you put me in charge of the department if you think I can’t handle it?
Dr. Cuddy: Because it’s temporary, and because I was ordered to.
Dr. House: We’ve been over this.
Stacy: If I thought you were capable of listening, I’d shut up.
Dr. House: That makes no sense at all.
Dr. House: MRI show anything?
Dr. Foreman: CT scan was negative.
Dr. House: CT… that’s like, short for MRI, right? Excellent, well I guess that saves us a lot of time.
Dr. Chase: We’ve got an MRI scheduled in twenty minutes. Earliest Foreman could get the machine.
Dr. House: I teach you to lie and cheat and steal…and as soon as my back is turned, you wait in line?
Dr. Chase: What happened to the Foreman who always has an answer? The guy who practically wears a sign saying “I’m as good as House, but I’m nicer.”
Stacy: At least this time I recognize it. That’s the bitter bit of convincing the two men you ever loved they’re better off without you.
Dr. House: Yeah, it’s all your fault. You know, “Stacy” in the original Greek means “relationship killer.”
Dr. Wilson: [about the patient] Cameron’s got him on dialysis and he’s stable for the moment, unlike Cuddy, who’s suicidal.
Dr. House: Either you’ve decided to do a lumbar puncture, or you have to fire me so that I can’t fire all of you, as soon as I get back in charge.
Dr. House: They can handle it.
Dr. Cuddy: Right. So far only three organ systems have failed.
Dr. House: Okay, they can’t. Doesn’t matter; guy’s not stable enough to move. So go rant in your own office.
Dr. Cuddy: Tell me, if it is your aim to sell me the same crazy idea as that House does, how are you an improvement on House?
Dr. Foreman: I… brought you a coffee?
Dr. House: Two people who weren’t meant to be together. Maybe they’ll get a happy ending just because they both want it so much.
Stacy: Yeah, that’s usually the way it works.
Dr. Foreman: In one of [Fletch’s] books he talked about giving up drugs and alcohol. Said how it changed his life.
Dr. Chase: [imitating House] Everybody lies.
Stacy: We had a fight and I stormed out without my make-up or cross. I stopped at the drug store and got some new make-up, but I didn’t get a cross because they don’t have an aisle for personal talismen!
Dr. Cameron: What does House say?
Dr. Foreman: The person you are trying to reach is out of the area or has turned off their phone.
Need To Know [2.11]
Dr. House: Wow. It’s a big jump from “infidelity is morally wrong” to “do her.”
Dr. House: Mommy does everything for her family these days. Even swallows their pills.
Dr. House: Cameron, I love you.
[Cameron’s jaw drops. House swabs her mouth.]
Dr. House: Get your test result tomorrow.
Dr. House: [knocking on Wilson’s office door] I know you’re in there! I can hear you caring!
Stella: What’s wrong with your foot?
Dr. House: War wound.
Stella: Does it hurt?
Dr. House: Every day.
Stella: Is that why you’re so sad?
Dr. House: [pause] Oh, aren’t you adorable? I’m not sad, I’m complicated. Chicks dig that.
Dr. House: [Regarding a patient’s treatment] Why don’t you take it up with Stacy? See which option minimizes your risk.
Dr. Cuddy: Here’s what I think she’s going to say. [Imitating Stacy’s accent] Oh, I loooove Greg! But if you go against the patient’s wishes, you’re calling her a liar. And if something goes wrong, I end up in court, having to defend the big mean doctor (albeit with dreamy eyes) who wouldn’t believe the nice suburban mom. And even though his cane makes me melt, do the damn surgery.
Dr. House: Morning, Jimmy! Anybody die while I was gone?
Dr. Wilson: Did… Did you iron your shirt?
Dr. House: I thought about shaving it, but I couldn’t find a razor.
Stacey: I want not to love Mark, I want to hate you, I want all of this to be simple. But it’s not.
Dr. House: You can either have a life with me or you can have a life with him. It can’t be both. It’s not easy, but it is simple.
Dr. Chase: Millions of women are on fertility treatments, and they don’t get cancer.
Dr. House: Right. They get babies. She had a blood clot and a stroke. She’ll get another one and probably die if we don’t find that tumor. Do an endometrial biopsy.
Dr. Foreman: Biopsy’s painful and unnecessary. We just did an ultrasound.
[House squints and looks at his watch]
Dr. Foreman: What?
Dr. House: Shh.
Dr. Cameron: If you have a personal issue that’s interfering with…
Dr. House: [inturrupts] Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
Dr. Foreman: What are we waiting for?
Dr. House: Your four weeks just expired. Your reign of terror is over. Mine has just begun. Now go stick a needle up her hoo-hoo and find that cancer.
[goes into his office, while Foreman shakes his head and smiles]
Dr. Chase: [confused] Hoo-hoo?
Dr. Foreman: [As if it’s an explaination] He went to Hopkins.
[House hands Cameron a sealed envelope, which she assumes is her HIV test results]
Dr. House: Knowing is always better than not knowing.
[Cameron opens the envelope and reads the letter]
Dr. Cameron: It’s a referral request.
Dr. House: [holds up an open envelope] Right. HIV thing came in earlier. You’re fine.
Dr. Cameron: [incensed] You won’t read your mail, but you’ll open mine?
Dr. House: It said confidential. I wanted to know.
Dr. Cameron: The most important letter of my life, and you’re still an ass.
Dr. House: Comforting, isn’t it?
Dr. Wilson: You don’t like yourself. But you do admire yourself. Its all you’ve got so you cling to it. You’re so afraid if you change, you’ll lose what makes you special.
Dr. Wilson: Being miserable doesn’t make you better than anybody else, House. It just makes you miserable.
[Wilson and House look at each other. Wilson exits]
Dr. Cameron: What are you looking for?
Dr. House: Same as you. Love, acceptance, a solid return on investment.
Dr. Weber: Do I know you?
Dr. House: I know your math skills…they blow
Dr. Weber: I know…I know you.
Dr. House: Sure you do, Dick.
Dr. Weber: The name’s Philip.
Dr. House: My bad. Something to do with your face - I always think your name is Dick.
Dr. Weber: HOUSE?!
Dr. House: Here.
Dr. Weber: You can’t test anything on an abnormal brain.
Dr. House: That’s so close-minded. He’s not “abnormal”, he’s special.
Dr. Cameron: Could pain medication cause an orgasm?
Dr. House: I wish.
Dr. Cameron: His brain is like a waiter that’s got too many…
Dr. House: Hey! I do the metaphors!
Dr. House: Bad news: Your son has a filthy, unhealthy habit. Good news: He’s trying to quit. Bad news: It’s killing him. Good news: I can cure him. Bad news: [thinks] Nope, that’s it.
Dr. House: [to a prostitute] I’m looking for a distraction. You don’t need to talk to do that, do you?
Skin Deep [2.13]
Dr. Wilson: How’d you get here?
Dr. House: By osmosis.
Dr. Cuddy: Teenage supermodel. Presented with double-vision, sudden aggressive behavior, cataplexy—
Dr. House: You had me at “teenage supermodel.”
Alex: I was passed out but I wasn’t. I, I knew what was going on but I couldn’t move or talk.
Dr. House: Yeah, sounds like a medical thing. It’s called cataplexy. Catfight and cataplexy on the catwalk. Cool.
Dr. House: She’s a fashion model, on the cover of magazines. [They] hold her up as a sexual ideal. The law says we can’t touch her for three more years. How hypocritical is that?
Dr. Foreman: There’s no age limit on addiction.
Dr. House: [taking a Vicodin] He’s right.
George: I haven’t slept in weeks, because my teeth hurt. Dentist couldn’t find any cavities. And I’m getting these headaches.
Dr. House: Ohhhhh, poor you.
George: I think I’m going crazy. And my stomach. I roll out of bed, and I wanna puke.
Dr. House: I take it you’re married.
George: [Showing House a ring] You must be psychic.
Dr. House: You must be witty. When’s she due?
George: How’d you know she—
Dr. House: ‘Cause I’m doing her! You’ve got Couvade Syndrome, which is just a fancy way of saying you should stop whining. Millions of women have got the same thing. They’re not bugging me.
Dr. Foreman: Why would your mind go to abuse so fast?
Dr. House: I had a funny uncle.
Dr. Foreman: You were abused?
Dr. House: What? No. Why’d your mind go to that so fast. I just had a funny uncle. Great stories, always filthy.
Dr. House: You’ve got male pseudo-hermaphroditism. See, we all start out as girls, and then we’re differentiated based on our genes. The ovaries develop into testes and drop. But in about one in 150 thousand pregnancies, a fetus with an ‘XY’ chromosome, a boy, develops into something else, like you; your testes never descended. Because you’re immune to testosterone, you’re pure estrogen, which is why you had heightened female characteristics—clear skin, great breasts. The ultimate woman is a man. Nature is cruel, huh?
Father: This is obviously a joke. This is … it’s impossible.
Dr. House: No, a joke would be me calling you a homo. See the difference? I’ll schedule him for surgery.
Dr. House: Put your clothes back on. I’m going to cut your balls off, and then you’ll be fine.
[Dr. Wilson is examining Dr. House’s leg with the MRI]
Dr. Wilson: [gruff disguised voice] House, this is God.
Dr. House: [in MRI chamber] Look, I’m a little busy right now. Not supposed to talk during these things. Got time Thursday?
Dr. Wilson: Let me check. Oh! I got a plague. What about Friday?
Dr. House: You’ll have to check with Cameron.
Dr. Wilson: Oh! Damn it! She always wants to know why bad things happen. Like I’m gonna come up with a new answer this time.
[Cuddy bursts in]
Dr. Cuddy: House…
Dr. House: Quick, God, smite the evil witch! [Wilson wisely says nothing]
Dr. Cuddy: Are you sitting on evidence that your patient was sexually abused by her father?
Dr. House: God, why have you forsaken me?
[Wilson is telling House that his leg pain is a result of Stacy leaving. House smacks Wilson in the shin with his cane.]
Dr. House: Aw, you miss Stacy too?
[Discussing whether a patient’s breasts are real or fake]
Dr. House: [to Chase] I’ll bet you two clinic hours those love apples are hand-crafted by God!
Dr. Foreman: I thought you didn’t believe in God.
Dr. House: I do now.
Sex Kills [2.14]
Henry: We just happened to be at the same Italian cheese tasting… thing.
Dr. House: Cheese is the Devil’s plaything.
Dr. House: We’re going to cure her.
Dr. Cameron: We’re going to cure death?
Dr. House: [like a mad scientist] Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha! [normal voice] Doubt it.
Dr. House: Norwegian chocolate. Frankly, you buy that stuff, the terrorists win.
Henry: [about his daughter] I had sex with her mom.
Dr. House: I think she knows that happened already.
Dr. Cameron: His right testicle is almost twice as big as his left.
Dr. House: Cool!
Dr. Cuddy: Don’t you think this is a little manipulative?
Dr. House: No, I think it’s hugely manipulative.
Dr. House: [spots Wilson talking to a nurse] Wilson! How long can you go without sex?
Dr. Wilson: How long can you go without annoying people?
Dr. House: No seriously, a week? A month?
Dr. Wilson: I’m not having an affair.
Henry: I assume you’ve been in love?
Dr. House: Is that the one that makes your pants feel funny?
Dr. House: When guys have brain/crotch problems, it’s usually the result of using one too much and the other too little.
Dr. House: So I have to wonder what could be more humiliating than someone calling your girlfriend a cow and not being metaphorical?
Dr. Cameron: She’s positive for gonorrhea.
Dr. House: I think that’s the first time those words have been uttered in joy.
Dr. Cameron: I thought we were wearing the wrong shoes for cancer.
Dr. House: We’re wearing the wrong shoes for testicular cancer. They’re perfect for lymphoma. Except Chase’s—they’re just goofy.
Dr. House: [About a comatose woman] She’s a fridge with a power out. You start poking around inside, the vegetable goes bad. No offense.
Dr. House: Key to a long life—exotic women, boring cheese.
Dr. House: Make love, not belts.
Dr. House: You blow dry your hair?
Dr. Wilson: Oh sorry, did I wake you up?
Dr. House: You blow dry your hair?
Dr. Wilson: Excuse me for actually caring what I look like.
Dr. House: I think the word you’re looking for is obsessing!
Dr. House: Awesome. A sex fiend with a swollen tongue. Just think of all the places I can make Foreman search.
Dr. Cameron: His wife arranged it for an anniversary present. And if you ask me, if two people really trust each other, a threesome once every seven years might actually help a marriage.
[Everyone looks stunned.]
Dr. House: Okay, I say we stop the DDX and discuss that comment.
Dr. House: Lungs, skin… skin, lungs… Sklungs?
Dr. Wilson: Don’t you ever eat anything besides canned soup and peanut butter?
Dr. House: Don’t you ever eat anything that doesn’t look like it’s been rolled onto your plate by a dung beetle?
Dr. Wilson: Now, why do you have a season pass to The New Yankee Workshop?
Dr. House: It’s a complete moron working with power tools—how much more suspenseful can you get?
Woman: [Marches up to Dr. Cuddy and annouces, without preface] I am not having an affair with my daughter’s karate instructor, and I did not give my husband herpes.
Dr. Cuddy: [Grabs a passing nurse] Go find out where House is.
Dr. House: Where is she?
Dr. Cameron: She had to go to the bathroom.
Dr. House: I told you not to let her.
Dr. Cameron: What was I supposed to do, tie her up?
Dr. House: Why not? She likes that.
Dr. Cameron: He’s gonna need a lung transplant…
Dr. House: He’s becoming more attractive by the minute, isn’t he?
Dr. Cameron You’re pleased…You think you’ve proved every marriage is a mistake.
Dr. House: Do I look pleased?
Dr. Cameron: Ignorance is bliss.
Dr. House: [to Dr. Wilson] Why do you wanna sleep on a couch anyway? You got money. At least until the divorce is finalized.
Dr. Wilson: Cuddy called.
Dr. House: I know. Saw the caller ID.
Dr. Wilson: Young girl, anaphylactic shock.
Dr. House: You answered?
Dr. Wilson: Turns out that’s what stops the ringing.
Dr. Cameron: Why does she have a clean room in her home?
Dr. House: Heart transplant— immune system’s in the toilet. Mommy builds her little angel a John Travolta-quality bubble.
Dr. Foreman: Six months after the transplant, she doesn’t need to be confined to a clean room.
Dr. House: Six months without putting out, Dr. Cuddy doesn’t need to wear thong panties… but it’s not our call.
Dr. Cuddy: [sarcastic] I was wondering when you’d get around to my panties.
Dr. Cuddy: These are your big ideas? Somebody’s lying?
Dr. House: Hasn’t let me down yet.
Dr. Chase: [referring to Melinda] Maybe she’s allergic to a having a sucky social life.
Dr. Chase: No alarm on this window.
Dr. Cameron: It’s a 20-foot drop.
Dr. Chase: You can get to the tree from here. There’s some bark scraped off.
Dr. Cameron: Sure— heart-transplant girl swung down there on a vine. Maybe she was hooking up with Tarzan and Cheetah down by the elephant graveyard.
Dr. Cameron: Test was negative, no semen allergy.
Dr. House: Boyfriend sneaks in to get his freak on the night before the anaphylaxis. I don’t buy that it’s unrelated.
Dr. Cameron: He loves her. Did everything he could to make sure she wouldn’t get sick.
Dr. House: [looking puzzled] What does that mean?
Dr. Cameron: Love is an emotion certain people experience, similar to happiness. [smiles] You know, maybe I should give a more relatable example.
Dr. House: Oh, snap!
Dr. House: Great part of being a grownup, you never have to do anything.
Dr. Cameron: What if her anaphylaxis wasn’t anaphylaxis? Toxicity from the anti-rejection meds could cause a seizure, and then heart failure.
Dr. House: And get cured by a mommy-wielded epi pen? It’s anaphylaxis. What else?
Dr. Foreman: What if they really are two puzzles?
Dr. Cameron: You think she had two unrelated rare conditions in one week?
Dr. Foreman: We explained the anaphylaxis.
Dr. House: What do you mean, we? I did! At least I thought I did… maybe I didn’t. Still, it was all me.
Dr. Foreman: [writing on board] Heart failure could be either infection, coronary disease, or rejection.
Dr. House: [taking marker away from Foreman] Sorry, there’s a reason they call it the white board. It’s not my rule. What ties both these conditions together?
[Everyone stares blankly at each other]
Dr. Foreman: Okay, we can all stare at each other, or we can investigate what caused the heart failure— just the heart failure. You wanna give me that black marker?
[House reluctantly gives back the marker]
Dr. Wilson: Where’s… the hooker, I assume?
Dr. House: [taps his head] Right up here, buddy.
Dr. Wilson: You said you’d hang the stethoscope if you were having sex.
Dr. House: I didn’t say it had to be with another person. [Wilson looks disgusted] Can you think of anything that would tie together anaphylaxis and heart failure?
Dr. Wilson: No. [raises voice] I was waiting out there for hours!
Dr. House: I need a lot of foreplay. And then there’s the cuddling afterwards.
Dr. Wilson: Oh, no wonder you were in the mood— this month’s New Jersey Journal of Cardiology.
Dr. House: Have you seen the centerfold? There’s no way those valves are real!
Dr. House: I scammed you into doing the dishes, I made you sit on the steps, I didn’t kill your puppy. I did not make you miserable.
Dr. Wilson: Oh, so this is therapy?
Dr. House: No it just… makes me smile.
Dr. Wilson: All right, I’m finding a new place tomorrow.
Dr. House: Right, but not tonight.
Dr. Wilson: Well, I figure you wanna shave my eyebrows while I’m asleep— I wouldn’t wanna deprive you of that last smile.
[House has been playing pranks on Wilson throughout the show. Wilson and House are walking down the hallway when House’s cane snaps in half and he falls]
Dr. Wilson: Oh, look at that. It looks like someone filed halfway through your cane while you were asleep.
Dr. House: You wake up in the morning, your paint’s peeling, your curtains are gone, and your water is boiling, which problem do you deal with first?!
Dr. Foreman: House.
Dr. House: None of them, the building’s on fire!
Dr. House: Everything sucks. Might as well find something to smile about.
[House is searching frantically through Melinda’s hair for a tick]
Dr. Cuddy: Ticks aren’t usually invisible.
Dr. House: They are until you FIND THEM!
[holds up comb triumphantly]
Dr. House: No, that’s dandruff. Okay, well, that wasn’t nearly as dramatic as I’d hoped. It just means that next time’ll be even better!
[House is talking to Melinda’s boyfriend, who paid her a late-night visit]
Dr. House: This is the one downside of teenage sex - you’re idiots. You almost killed your girlfriend. She’s allergic to penicillin.
Dan: What, do you think there was still some on my lips? I brushed my teeth!
Dr. House: Think lower, and more fun.
Dan: I mean… it can… it can go through your stuff?
Dr. House: Totally, dude! Chief of medicine here, she gets sick, she makes me take the pills.
All In [2.17]
Ian: I have a question, and I need to go to the bathroom.
Mrs. Walsh: Which would you like to do first?
Ian: The question.
Mrs. Walsh: Okay.
Ian: Where’s the bathroom?
Dr. House: [looking amazed after seeing Cameron all dressed up] Woooooow… [pause] What were we talking about?
[House, Cuddy and Wilson are playing poker at a hospital charity event]
Dr. Cuddy: Call.
Dr. House: You’ll call anything.
Dr. Cuddy: My stack is bigger than your stack.
Dr. Wilson: So are you going to tell me an annoying story every time I raise?
Dr. House: God, that would be annoying.
[after hearing about Cuddy’s patient]
Dr. Cuddy: You in or out?
Dr. House: I’m out.
Dr. Cuddy: [slaps a five and a three on the table] Oh! Stone cold bluff. You might want to spend a little more time paying attention to your cards, and a little less time staring at my breasts.
Dr. House: They don’t match, either.
[Wilson peeks at House’s cards and sees that he had pocket aces]
Dr. House: [to Chase, in front of a girl he’s talking to] Hey! How’s that anal fissure? Did it heal yet, or is it still draining? Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know you’d come back for seconds. I figured after that girl in the stairwell, you’d be done for the night.
Dr. Chase: He’s joking.
Dr. House: No Adam’s apple, small hands. No surprises this time.
Girl: I’ll, uh, see you later.
Dr. House: Got a case.
Dr. Chase: Well, you could’ve just said that. You didn’t have to screw with me.
Dr. House: Yeah, but if I didn’t screw with you, you’d spend the whole night thinking you might get laid, which means you’d be useless. Better to extinguish all hope.
Dr. House: [on phone to Wilson, who is still playing with Cuddy] Keep your answers short and discreet. Is Cuddy still playing?
Dr. Wilson: The chicken…is still in Piccadilly Square.
Dr. House: Brilliant. She’ll never suspect that Normandy is our target.
Dr. House: [on phone] Go all in.
Dr. Wilson: You obviously want to bust me. Why, why would you…
Dr. House: Either you go all in or I tell everyone in the building that you wear toenail polish.
Dr. Wilson: [beat] I’m all in.
[referring to House’s patient from 12 years ago]
Dr. Wilson: Have you read Moby Dick?
Dr. House: It was a book?
Dr. Wilson: It was ten years ago.
Dr. House: Twelve.
Dr. Wilson: Obsession is dangerous.
Dr. House: Only if you’re on a wooden ship and your obsession is a whale. I think I’m in the clear.
Dr. Wilson: You do realize it’s a metaphor?
Dr. House: You do realize that the point of metaphors is to scare people from doing things by telling them that something much scarier is going to happen, than what will really happen? God, I wish I had a metaphor to explain that better.
Dr. House: Did you know that relative to its size, the barnacle has the largest penis of any animal?
Sleeping Dogs Lie [2.18]
[Cameron, Chase, and Foreman enter]
Dr. Cameron: [about the patient] We’ve got rectal bleeding.
Dr. House: What, all of you?
Dr. Cuddy: [finding House sleeping] You’ve seen one patient in the last two hours.
Dr. House: Complicated case. I’m a night owl, Wilson’s an early bird. We’re different species.
Dr. Cuddy: Then move him into his own cage.
Dr. House: Who’ll clean the droppings from mine?
Dr. Cameron: Do you have any idea what it feels like to have a six-foot long hose shoved into your large intestine?
Dr. House: No, but I now have a much greater respect for whichever basketball player you dated in college.
Dr. Cameron: Was this just one of your experiments? You just wanted to see how I’d react to being screwed over by Foreman?
Dr. House: Nice idea, but no. This was just good old-fashioned laziness. Gotta hand it to Foreman, though—he knew that you’re a suck-up and I don’t give a crap. He successfully exploited us both.
Dr. Cameron: Right—we’re both victims. A simple heads up, that’s all I needed. Maybe between your incredibly witty remarks about anal sex and Cuddy’s breasts, you could’ve tipped me off.
Dr. House: Then I’d have Foreman pissed at me, and as annoying as you could be, at least I know you’re not gonna pop a cap in my ass. Witty, huh?
Dr. Cameron: If we want this to not get in the way of our friendship, I think we both have to apologize and put it behind us.
Dr. Foreman: I like you, really… we have a good time working together. But ten years from now, we’re not gonna be hanging out, having dinners. Maybe we’ll exchange Christmas cards, say “hi”, give a hug if we’re at the same conference… we’re not friends, we’re colleagues… and I don’t have anything to apologize for.
Dr. Cameron: Depriving her of what little sleep she has, that’s torture.
Dr. House: So is cutting people with knives. You can totally get away with that if you have a doctor’s coat on.
Dr. Cameron: If she talks, if she does the decent thing, then you don’t get to solve your puzzle, your game’s over, and you lose.
Dr. House: Yeah. I want to save her. I’m morally bankrupt.
House vs. God [2.19]
Dr. House: You talk to God, you’re religious. God talks to you, you’re psychotic.
[Paraphrase of Thomas Szasz, “If you talk to God, you are praying; If God talks to you, you have schizophrenia. If the dead talk to you, you are a spiritualist; If you talk to the dead, you are a schizophrenic.” (The Second Sin, Anchor/Doubleday, Garden City, NY. 1973, Page 113)]
Dr. House: Isn’t it interesting… religious behaviour is so close to being crazy that we can’t tell them apart.
Dr. Chase: You’re gonna talk to a patient?
Dr. House: God talks to him. It’d be arrogant of me to assume that I’m better than God.
Dr. House: So, you’re a faith healer. Or is that a pejorative? Do you prefer something like “divine health management”?
Boyd: The nurses talk about you a lot.
Dr. House: Don’t believe them. I keep a sock in my pants.
Boyd: God says you look for excuses to be alone.
Dr. House: See, that is exactly the kind of brilliance that sounds deep, but you could say it about any person who doesn’t pine for the social approval of everyone he meets - which you were cleverly able to deduce about me by not being a moron. Next time, tell God to be more specific.
Boyd: I knew they’d send somebody else.
Dr. House: That God has a big mouth.
Dr. House: Tie goes to the mortal.
Boyd: I have a gift!
Dr. House: A gift is jewelry, socks - what you have is herpes encephalitis.
Boyd: Dad, we have to have faith…
Walter: I have faith in the Lord. You, I trust…as much as you can trust a teenage boy.
Dr. Wilson: House! Why the hell did you let an unstable patient wander the hallways?!
Dr. House: His leash broke.
Dr. House: You know, I get it if people are just looking for a way to fill the holes. But they want the holes; they want to live in the holes. And they go nuts when someone else pours dirt in their holes. Climb out of your holes, people!!!
Dr. Chase: [to House] The honor of working for you is not worth a felony charge.
Dr. Wilson: Can this wait five minutes?
Dr. House: Is she dying?
Dr. Wilson: Yes.
Dr. House: Before the end of this consult?
Dr. Wilson: They could build monuments to your self-centeredness.
Dr. House: Gotta go—building full of sick people. If I can hurry, maybe I can avoid them.
Dr. House: He is not a saint. He figures out what’s going on in people’s lives by watching, listening, deducing…
Dr. Wilson: And you’re worried about trademark infringement?
Dr. House: Then he passes on advice from God so he can watch them jump. It’s a power trip.
Dr. Wilson: Ah, and there the similarities end.
Dr. Wilson: And that’s why religious belief annoys you. Because if the universe operates by abstract rules you can learn them, you can protect yourself. If a Supreme Being exists he can squash you any time he wants.
Dr. House: He knows where I am.
Dr. House: Don’t talk to my patient.
Dr. Wilson: What are you talking about?
Dr. House: You get all huffy when my patient stumbles into yours in the hallway, but you’ve got no qualms about chatting my guy up.
Dr. Wilson: This is fun, it’s like Password. I’ll jump in when I get a clue what the hell you’re talking about.
Dr. House: Wilson! This is Dry Cleaner Guy. Tax Accountant. Guy from the bus stop. This is Wilson.
Dry Cleaner: How come he gets a name?
Dr. House: Seniority.
[after House has revealed Wilson’s illicit relationship with a patient]
Dr. Wilson: Tell them my name isn’t Wilson!
Dr. House: His name’s not Wilson. And he’s more screwed up than I am.
Euphoria (Part 1) [2.20]
Dr. House: He did however get hit with a bullet. Just mentioning.
Dr. Cameron: He was shot?
Dr. House: No, somebody threw it at him.
[House is trying to MRI a corpse with a bullet in its head. Cuddy walks in]
Dr. Cuddy: I can’t even imagine the backwards logic you used to rationalize shooting a corpse.
Dr. House: Well if I’d shot a live person there’s a lot more paperwork.
Dr. Cuddy: Then it won’t be a problem for you to stand besides the casket at the wake and explain why a cancer patient has a bullet hole in his head.
Dr. House: The man donated his body to science. Yes, it’s a tragedy. If I hadn’t shot him his body could have spent the next year letting first year med students use the carpool lane.
Dr. Chase: He’s set.
Dr. Cuddy: Do not turn that on, House!
Dr. House: You’re mad because I put a bullet in his head. If it works, all I’m doing now is taking it out.
[House turns on the MRI. The lights go out, the bullet fragments fly out of the corpse into the machine, and the team is left standing in the emergency lights.]
Dr. House: My bad.
(House has just shot a corpse.)
Man: [peering in] Did anyone just hear a—?
Dr. House: I shot him! He’s dead!
Dr. Cameron: The chance of getting infected is next to nothing.
Dr. House: I was never good at math, but next to nothing is greater than nothing.
Dr. Chase: What are you doing?
Dr. House: [checking corpses’ toe tags] I called my mom. She didn’t pick up.
Dr. House: Cop with a sense of humor. Differential diagnosis. [tosses the files out to the ducklings] Guy’s in the ER bleeding on everybody.
Dr. Foreman: Drugs!
Dr. Chase: He’s a cop.
Dr. Foreman: Good point, how about drugs?
Dr. Foreman: According to Babyshoes, the cop was laughing before he got shot.
Dr. Cameron: Babyshoes?
Dr. Foreman: The guy who shot him.
Dr. Cameron: Reliable witness.
Dr. House: His name’s Babyshoes, how bad can he be?
Dr. Foreman: What’s Dr. Cameron wearing?
Joe: [looks over Cameron] Dark blue pants, white shirt, black shoes.
Dr. Foreman: Oh! Almost, except for the pants, shirt, and shoes. You’re blind.
Dr. Cameron: [Referring to Foreman] He doesn’t like cops.
Dr. House: [Very sarcastic] Foreman, policemen are our friends. If you and I are ever separated shopping…
Dr. House: Saying there appears to be clotting is like saying there’s a traffic jam up ahead. Is it a ten-car pile up, or just a really slow bus in the center lane? And if it is a bus, is it a thrombotic bus or an embolic bus? … I think I pushed that metaphor too far.
Dr. House: [sitting on the chair] Why doesn’t anyone listen to me anymore?
Dr. Cameron: I decided you were wrong.
Dr. House: God you’re weak. Guy steals your article, tells you you’re not his friend. You still wanna risk your life for him.
[cuts to Cameron taking off the suit]
Dr. Cameron: Foreman broke my skin with a tainted needle.
[cuts back for a House closeup]
Dr. House: Wow.
Dr. Cameron: Yeah.
Dr. House: God you’re weak. [Cameron rolls her eyes] Guy tried to kill you. First thing on my list of things do would be to stab him back. Shoot him. Got a gun in my desk. Last thing would be on my list would be to lie to my boss about it and give the bastard everything he wanted.
Dr. Cameron: I’m not here for Foreman, I’m here to save myself.
Dr. House: Eh… Even with a needle stick your chances of infection are pretty slim. That’s why you’re wearing the suit. You wanted to be here. He just gave you the excuse. What does that guy have to do to make you hate him?
Dr. Foreman:Whoa, whoa. You think I’m sick?
Dr. House: I think that an appropriate response to watching your boss shoot a corpse is not to grin foolishly
Dr. Foreman: The fact that I’ve grown bored by your insanity is proof of nothing.
Dr. House: [speaking over intercom] Dr. Foreman, Dr. Chase requests your assistance.
[Dr. Foreman is having brain surgery while Dr. Chase shows up some geometrical pictures, but it takes some time for the answer about the last image]
Dr. Chase: Foreman. Why haven’t yet you answer? Is there a problem?
Dr. Foreman: S-square
Dr. House: Tell me your date of birth
Dr. Foreman: Is that House?
Dr. Chase: Yes. Next?
Dr. Foreman: [surprised but unable to move by head restrains] Square again. Why is he here?
Dr. House: Because my neurologist is having surgery
Dr. Foreman: I thought I was another patient
Dr. House: You didn’t believe that crap. Did you? [while inserts a needle into Dr. Foreman’s brain] Date of birth
Dr. Foreman: The Ommaya reservoir is inserted in the parietal lobe. My spacial recognition is the issue, not my memory
Dr. House: Oops! Did you say Ommaya? I could swear you said biopsy. Hey! I’m just messing with your head. Mother’s maiden name, please
Dr. Foreman: [while tries to look at Dr. House, who is standing behind and taking a sample] Get out of my temporal lobe, House
Euphoria (Part 2) [2.21]
[House leads Dr. Foreman’s father into Dr. Cuddy’s office]
Dr. Cuddy: What is this?
Dr. House: He’s not a what, he’s a who. They even have the right to vote now.
Dr. Cameron: Foreman is black.
Dr. House: What?! How long have you been sitting on this information?
Rodney Foreman: My son says you’re a manipulative bastard.
Dr. House: It’s just a pet name. I call him “Dr. Bling”.
[House makes ghost-like sounds to amuse a child patient]
Little Girl Patient: You’re a goof.
Dr. House: Takes one to know one, loser. [Patient’s mother looks at House in shock] Wait, that means I’m a loser. Scratch that.
Dr. Cuddy: You put both of them in isolation for a reason. Joe’s death elevates this situation to a bio-safety level three.
Dr. House: Ooohhh, Level Three. Should I call Jack Bauer?
[House talks to Concerned Mom who thinks that her daughter has epilepsy]
Dr. House: In actuality all your little girl is doing is… saying yoo hoo to the hoo hoo.
Concerned Mom: She’s what?
Dr. House: Marching the penguin… ya ya-ing the sisterhood… finding Nemo?
Little Girl Patient: [giggles] That was funny.
Dr. House: It’s called gratification disorder, sort of a misnomer. If one was unable to gratify oneself, that would be a disorder.
Concerned Mom:[covering little girl’s ears] Are you saying she’s masturbating?
Dr. House: [making fun of the mother by talking out of the corner of his mouth so the little girl supposedly won’t see that he’s talking] I was trying to be discreet. There’s a child in the room.
Dr. Foreman: [Foreman wakes up to find House examining him while Cameron and his father watch] I’m okay.
Dr. House: Your breath stinks, and you’re peeing into a bag. What are our names?
Dr. Foreman: [looks at Cameron]: Cameron…
[he then turns to see his father]
Dr. Foreman: Dad…
[turns to House]
Dr. Foreman: Manipulative Bastard…
Dr. House: Awwww, you remembered.
[Cuddy has gone to see Foreman in Isolation]
Dr. Foreman: Why are you here?
Dr. Cuddy: Because you’re a friend, and I should be here.
Dr. Foreman: [sits up] I’m sorry House used my Dad to try and manipulate you. You’ve got integrity, you aren’t going to change your mind just because you’re confronted by my father.
Dr. Cuddy: Thank you.
Dr. Foreman: [angry] Just like I’m not gonna forgive you just because you come by here and ask how I’m feeling!
Dr. Cuddy: You know I’ve had no choice.
Dr. Foreman: Of course you had a choice!
Dr. Cuddy: Regulations are clear.
Dr. Foreman: And the punishment for violating those regulations? Is it death? Hmm? Because frankly, I’m okay if you get a fine, a suspension… hell, you can spend a couple of years in jail, if it saves my life!
[Wilson enters House’s office to see House staring intently at his laptop]
Dr. Wilson: You’re accessing a webcam?
Dr. House: Cuddy’s shower. You a fan of the Brazilian?
[House has tried to infect his pet rat with the disease that’s killing Foreman, and says he’ll do a brain biopsy once Steve starts showing symptoms]
Dr. Wilson: You mean once he dies.
Dr. House: Well, as soon as he starts showing symptoms there’s a good chance he’ll be hit on the head by a, uh, cane-shaped object.
Dr. House: Unless Chase broke his neck falling off his polo pony, he has no reason to be in the E.R.
Dr. House: Seizures are cool to watch, but boring to diagnose.
Dr. House: [to Foreman] Glad you’re back. Cameron makes lousy coffee. I take mine black, the way I take my brain-damaged neurologists.
Dr. House: What are you doing?
Dr. Wilson: PCR Test.
Dr. House: You’re doing it yourself. In the middle of the night. On a spoon. Cuddy’s spoon.
Dr. Wilson: I’m checking her saliva for cancer markers.
Dr. House: Yeah… I do that after all of my dates too. People think you’re the nice one.
Dr. House: Tonight.
Dr. Wilson: What?
Dr. House: “L Word” Marathon.
Dr. Wilson: You watch “The L Word?”
Dr. House: On mute.
Dr. House: [trying to get a rise out of Foreman] I’m telling you, I’m going to drop the N-bomb if I have to.
Dr. Foreman: You’re addicted to conflict.
Dr. House: [looks at his Vicodin bottle] Did they change the name?
Dr. House: Idiots are fun. No wonder every village wants one.
Dr. House: You don’t have cancer.
Dr. Cuddy: You don’t have dwarfism.
Dr. House: You have no proof of that.
Dr. House: Bad news… estrogen is too high.
Dr. Cuddy: No matter how many people you tell otherwise, I am, and always have been, a woman.
Dr. House: It’s great you can look beyond the fact she [Cuddy] is the devil.
Dr. Wilson: I stole a spoon. You stole her garbage.
Dr. House: She’s my boss. She gets sick, the hospital might replace her. Especially if she dies. I’d have to learn how to manipulate someone new.
Dr. Wilson: Whoa. I think I’m gonna cry.
Dr. Foreman: I assumed you took the father into consideration.
Dr. House: What’s that saying? “When you assume, you become a pain in the ass to me.”
Who’s Your Daddy? [2.23]
Dr. Cuddy: I thought I knew all of your friend.
Dr. Wilson: So does this guy have pictures of you being nice to him?
Dr. House: Don’t try to talk. You have a big medical thing in your mouth.
Dr. House: She looks just like you. You have the same fro.
Dr. Wilson: Are you trying to end this discussion by grossing me out? I’m an oncologist, most of my patients have their skin sloughing off.
Dr. House: How does somebody who believes absolutely anything become a non-fiction writer?
Dr. Cameron: I can handle a simple consent form.
Dr. House: Okay, I’ll be Crandall. Dr. Cameron—
Dr. Foreman: House, from what you say this guy will trust you—
Dr. House: Are you in this scene? Go.
Dr. Cameron: I need to talk to you about a procedure we’d like to do on Leona.
Dr. House: Like to do? Is this fun for you?
Dr. Cameron: He’s not you; he’s not going to mock me.
Dr. House: Stay in character. I’m so scared; hold me.
Crandall: Heard about your leg.
Dr. House: Yeah, pulled my hamstring playing Twister. Just gonna walk it off.
Dr. Cuddy: Need you. Now.
Dr. House: [in a deep voice] Yes, Mistress.
Dr. Chase: Her heart’s fragile after that last attack! The chances of tachycardia are…
Dr. House: You have my permission to blame Foreman in any negligence trial.
Dr. Wilson: You didn’t run the test?
Dr. House: Said I wouldn’t.
Dr. Wilson: Okay, so either you lied, or he has pictures of you being nice.
Dr. House: Donor 1284 likes square dancing. No one likes square dancing.
Dr. House: [on answering machine] You’ve reached a number that has been disconnected and is no longer in service. If you feel you’ve reached this recording in error, go with it. Hang up, on three. One, two…*beep*
Dr. Cuddy: House, pick up. I know it’s your day off. And you’ve no doubt got lots of exciting plans, but I’ve got a case.
Dr. House: She needed to be hurt. I wanted to hurt her. Win-win.
No Reason [2.24]
Jack Moriarty: Which one of you is Dr. House?
Dr. House: Skinny brunette.
Jack Moriarty: That’s Dr. Cameron.
Dr. House: I’m skinny. How’d you know who she was?
Jack Moriarty: I’m an old patient of yours.
Dr. House: Oh, well, leave the chocolates downstairs.
[Moriarty pulls out a gun and shoots House]
Jack Moriarty: [House is on the ground, having just been shot by Moriarty] Shocking, isn’t it? Who’d wanna hurt you?
Dr. House: I got shot, diagnostically boring. Big fat tongue, on the other hand, endlessly entertaining.
Dr. House: He’s got a temperature of 103.
Dr. Foreman: And why do we care?
Dr. House: Because we’re human beings. It’s what we do. Said he was at a luncheon meeting.
Dr. Cameron: You took his history?!
Dr. House: Guy looks like Harpo. You should see him.
Dr. Chase: You asked him what book he’s currently reading.
Dr. House: It’s hilarious to watch him try and talk. I asked him anything I could think of. Favorite color? “Bwuu.”
[Cut to clinic.]
Dr. House: Favorite dessert topping? [The patient hesitates.] Trust me, you’ll never know what fact may be the key to saving your life.
Patient: Whip cweam.
Dr. House: Yeah. Killer needs his rest. Otherwise he’s grumpy all day. [House bangs on Jack’s bed with his cane.] Hey! Wake up! Watch me save a life!
Dr. House: You shoot the guy who sold her the gun?
Jack: She locked herself in the garage and she started the car.
Dr. House: You shoot the guy who sold her the garage door opener?
Jack: You pretend to buck the system, pretend to be a rebel, claim to hate rules. [We see that House is sleeping] But all you do is substitute your own rules for society’s. Now it’s a nice, simple rule— tell the blunt, honest truth in the starkest, darkest way. And what will be, will be. And what will be, should be. And everyone else… is a coward. But you’re wrong. It’s not cowardly not to call someone an idiot. People aren’t tactful, or polite just because it’s nice. They do it… because they’ve got an ounce of humility. Because they know that they will make mistakes, and they know that their actions have consequences. And they know… that those consequences will be their fault. Why do you want so badly not to be human, House? [Cameron and Foreman enter and see House looking asleep.] Oh, he’s awake.
Dr. Cameron: House, we need to talk to you.
Dr. House: How the hell did you know I was awake?
Jack: Your nostrils flare when you sleep.
Dr. House: They do not.
Jack: Fine, I’m lying.
Vince: You want to let a robot operate on me?
Dr. Cameron: The technology is amazing. It magnifies everything ten times, it’s ten times the accuracy.
Vince: No way, I want a person!
Dr. Cameron: A person will be controlling the—
Dr. House: People suck. People have turned you from a guy with a swollen tongue into a guy with one eye, one ball and a stapled-on face. If you want someone to hold you while you cry yourself to sleep at night, choose warm and soft. If you want someone to write you a poem, pick the sensitive loner. If all you care about is that something’s done right, pick the guy with the metal head.
[Cameron is lying down on the table, above are the arms of the robot. House is controlling the robot; Vince is sitting next to him.]
Dr. House: Relax Cameron, I’m not going to cut you. I just want to show what this puppy can do. I can make one millimeter incisions. You know how small that is? Small even in metric. If I do something that doesn’t make sense, even to you, stop me. [He moves the robot’s tweezer hand down to stroke Cameron’s cheek.] Delicate, no? [He then lifts up the hem of her shirt and uses the air hand to blow air into her belly button. And then he cuts off a button on her blouse, peeling part of the shirt away to reveal her bra.]
Dr. Cameron: House.
Dr. House: Does that hurt? [Cameron shakes her head.]
Dr. House: [to Vince] Seen enough?
Dr. House: That wasn’t a question.
Jack: You’ve wasted your life.
Dr. House: Yeah. If only I’d dedicated my life to finding someone worthy to shoot.
Dr. House: Okay, I’ll be you guys: [mocking Dr. Chase] “No way, mate, too much blood to just be a vein!” [mocking Dr. Foreman] “No way, hizzy! If it was an artery, he’d still be bleeding.” [mocking Dr. Cameron] “Actually, he’d be dead.” [pathetic face]
Dr. House: See? I couldn’t have done that if I was dead.
[Vince is crying in pain, trying to use the restroom]
Vince: It’s getting bigger!
Dr. Chase: You’re getting aroused?
Vince: No, not that!
[Chase bends over to check, Vince’s testicle explodes]
Dr. House: Why did you try to kill me?
Moriarty: I didn’t.
Dr. House: Then the gun thing might have been a mistake.
Dr. House: Here’s how life works: you either get to ask for an apology or you get to shoot people. Not both.
Moriarty: I don’t care about semantics.
Dr. House: You anti-semantic bastard!
Moriarty: You think that the only truth that matters is that truth can be measured. Good intentions don’t count. What’s in your heart doesn’t count. Caring doesn’t count. But a man’s life can be measured by how many tears are shed when he dies. Just because you can’t measure them— just because you don’t wanna measure them, doesn’t mean it’s not real.
Dr. House: [staring at board] That does not make sense…
Moriarty: And even if I’m wrong, you’re still miserable. Did you really think that your life’s purpose was to sacrifice yourself and get nothing in return? No. You believe that there is no purpose. To anything. Even the lives you save you dismiss. You turn the one decent thing in your life and you taint it, strip it of all meaning. You’re miserable for nothing. And I don’t know why you’d wanna live.
Dr. House: [turns to Moriarty with a tear in his eye] I’m sorry.
Dr. House: Where are you going?
Dr. Foreman: You’re an ass.
Dr. House: I know. Where are you going?
Dr. Cuddy: There are plenty of reasons to administer…
Dr. House: Fine, I’ll just go and beat the truth out of my surgeon. Gillick, right?
Dr. Wilson: You don’t want a healthy leg.
Dr. House: Ohh, here we go.
Dr. Wilson: If you’ve got a good life, if you’re healthy, you’ve got no reason to bitch; no reason to hate life.
Dr. House: Well here’s the flaw in your argument. If I enjoy hating life I don’t hate life, I enjoy it.
Dr. Wilson: I didn’t say it was rational. HIV testing is 99% accurate, which means there are some people who test positive who live with their own impending doom for months or years before finding out everything is okay. Weirdly, most of them don’t react with happiness or even anger - they get depressed. Not because they wanted to die but because they’ve defined themselves by their disease. Suddenly, what made them, them, isn’t real.
Dr. House: I don’t define myself by my leg.
Dr. Wilson: No-o, you have taken it one step further. The only way you could come to terms with your disability was to somehow make it mean nothing. So you had to redefine everything. You have dismissed anything physical. Anything not coldly, calculatingly intellectual.
Dr. Wilson’: No, I mean right now. [background music stops] Are you hallucinating?